JE#28 MISTAKE

9/2/16 10:23pm



About an hour ago I made a terrible, morally wrong choice, and it cost me $100.



9/5/16 10:28pm



I do a lot of my best thinking when I have had 3 or more cups of coffee. It normally only lasts for under half an hour, after that my mind slows down again and I just have an elevated heart rate. I feel so much more alive on coffee, so full of artificial energy, my thoughts as well as my body moved faster…end then it ends and its back to boring useless old me. Coffee is great, not only for the caffeine but for the taste too; at least I think so. I have met some people who say that they not only don’t like coffee but that they hate it too.
I don’t understand them.

Is it weird that almost everytime I try to write one of these entries I have to stop my self from saying "not much has happened",? How boring is that.
How boring I am.

I am boring.

I wont try to deny it.
I work, I go to school, and generally try to spend the least amount of money possible, although I certainly don’t lack for wants. I want a lot of things. There are some things I REALLY want. But I don’t buy them because it would put me in a financial bond.

I have a lot of random thoughts. I don’t put most of them down here because they would be seen as totally random and unrelated…but my mind wanders and I don’t have much motivation to stop it.
Over simplification, over clarification; I try to avoid these things.

Most days I try to focus on the task at hand and not think about my self. Failing to do so usually leads to me thinking about…me, my past, my present, my possible futures…and its all very…disconcerting, if not downright depressing.
I remember the things I have done…

…

Im not depressed, mind you, Im just sad sometimes. Is it unusual that every time I think of my self saying im not depressed I immediately imagine some doctor saying "of course your not" as they write me a prescription for anti depressants or other mold stabilizers, and the thought tools me with anger because I HATE any medication like that.
I don’t think its unusual, not if you consider my background.


You know, I once had this guy I worked with on the nightshift comment that I always seemed so jovial because I was always smiling and cracking jokes and making people laugh. He said I always looked so happy.

I looked him dead in the eye with a straight face and said to him, "Im not happy, im incredibly sad." He looked confused, so I continued, "you don’t know me, what you see is a face, a mask I put on for the rest of the world because THAT is what you want to see."



10/4/16 8:19pm

Listening to All Time Low by Jon Bellion



Well this update certainly took 3 days longer than it was supposed to.

(precedes to not give any explanation for the late update)

For starters, made another $100 mistake a week or so ago, wasn’t too upset about it other than having to give up the money, this one being much better than the last one, but that’s a morality problem. Cant keep doing that because it’s a significant unnecessary drain on my financial resources, im risking my physical health every time I do (cant be lucky everytime) and theirs is the ever present danger of running into law enforcement.
Going to have to learn to live without it, which will be hard but not unmanageable. Hell, every other guy seems to live without it just fine.

Grades are good, I have in A in 2 of my classes and nothing in the other one because she apparently hasn’t felt the need to put anything into the grade book, but its what ever. Im confident im passing it though that sure as hell isn't based on my knowledge of the material.
Time management is the key to getting almost everything done correctly and on time, something that also happens to be the hardest to do. Curse those nights staying up until 11:30pm watching YouTube instead of going to bed on time!
Sleep is soooooooo something I need more of, me and every other working person.

Work is going well, no trials I haven't been able to handle thus far but I do need to watch my self and keep everything in line. My amount of scheduled hours over the past few weeks hasn't been the greatest, but im getting buy, still able to pay what few bills I have with at least $100 to put into savings. It should get better as the holidays pick up and there are more hours available.

A belt in my car engine will have to be replaced fairly soon, over the next couple of days for sure so says jiffy lube. I don’t know, im worried about it but dad says to take it to a real mechanic to have them look it over just to be sure. I don’t know near as much about my vehicle as I would like to, but I don’t have the money or time to get familiar with the parts and tools I would need to check it my self.

I got a cheap small 32 inch tv from a pawn shop to use as a display for my laptop, its great so far and I like it. Need to get a chair and a controller to go with it so I can sit at the desk and do everything comfortably, everything costs money though.

Side note, there was this lady that came into my store and started chatting me up, told me about this company she works for that needs team leaders in this area and blah blah blah blah. Researched her organization a few hours ago after she called me and it’s the usual pyramid scam. I kind of felt bad for telling her what I found and that I would be blocking her number. She seemed like such a nice old Mexican lady, but the overwhelming evidence against her organization was…well, overwhelming.

Meh, things are going smoothly so far, a few little bumps along the way but that’s par for the course.