JE#21

5/7/16 4:35am

Listening to: Thy Unveiling by ICP



Yesterday I got my first compiler for C, Microsoft's Visual Studio 2015 community edition. I got it from this cool old guy I work with from the Philippines who use to code for 10 years. He let me use his instillation disk from a C++ book he bought last year but never really used. Now that I have the compiler I can start learning C in a practical way.
Funny how one of the main things that set me off on all of this computer stuff with vigor was the desire to fuck up HER digital life, but that wont be for a while now. The silent rage that induces is still with me, I keep it tucked deep inside for that time when I will really need it. And if for what ever reason I decide not to hack her, then at least on the plus side I have a few valuable skills.

The movers will be here next week, and all of the pictures in the house have been packed up already, leaving the walls of the house bare and feeling empty.



5/13/2016 9:11am

Listening to: The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls



The house is pretty much empty of all our stuff, and what is there has been boxed up by the movers. I have a bag with about a weeks worth of clothing, and another "technology bag" full of things like my laptop (god, I hope it doesn't break. I tried to pack it where it sits on top of all the heavy things instead of under them) my school psychology text book, my C coding book, tablet, PSP Vita, kindle, and various charging cables.

Yesterday was my last day working at this particular WalMart store 862, and I worked for 7 straight days in a row that last week to get a full 80 hour paycheck. On a similar note, today is the first day in 338 days I have been on a normal sleep schedule, yesterday I stayed up for a little over 23 hours to get back into sleeping at night and it sucked sooooooooooooooooooo much. I did get my transfer approved by my store manager but the store in Texas says they can't guarantee me a job until I actually get down there and talk to them, which sucks because that means there isa possibility that I will get there and all of there open slots are full meaning I wont have a job and will have to start looking for one. At this point we are just waiting on the movers to come and get the rest of the stuff so we can go to a hotel for two days before me and dad leave for Texas on the 16th.



9:01pm

Listening to: Lost Boy by Ruth B


After making a few matches on tinder I eventually came across one Deanna Holmes. We talked for a few weeks, and she's pretty cool. After that we exchanged numbers, she lives 63 miles away and is 4 years older than me, but its sad that its taken me all this time to find her...right as im about to move. We clicked pretty well and have no problem carrying on a conversation about anything and everything.

What a shame though, if things weren't the way they are I believe we could have really built something together.

Why are all of the best people either too far away or about to leave?


...

In this swanky military lodge hotel until the 16th. The room we all share is probably about 2 and a half times the size of my old one.

JE#20

4/21/2016 9:55pm

Listening to: I Took a Pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner



Last week one of the old ladies I work with, Mrs. Anastasia, quite after being here for over 14 years, said she just got tired of the bullshit. I don't blame her. It gets a little worse here every week, but I just have to endure it, though these seasonal allergies, sore throat, and runny nose are so not helping me.



4/26/15 9:44am



I'm at Ogeechee Technical college right now waiting to take my English final at 10am, I had to drive 40 something miles to get here...but its nice. I like the atmosphere, the buildings, the ornamental pond, the students and teachers, everything.

Its cool.

I'm in what I guess is some kind of common area full of chairs and, let me count them, 6 students around me. It feels so...strange. I do miss the school environment, but I feel so...i don't know. I know that after I finish this final I wont ever be coming back to this place, I wont ever see any of these people ever again, especially when I move on the 16th of May.
I feel sad about that.
I'm going to miss this place and these people I don't know.



4/27/16 1:30pm



Hello friend.

I'm sorry, just finished watching the entire first season of Mr Robot.
Not all on one sitting of course, but over the last week and a half.
Good show.
At least in my opinion, not that it matters.

Its pretty cramped in my closet, where I'm at right now.

Or it was, I am under the covers in my bed now. Parents were walking around the house, opening doors so I got out because it would be beyond awkward if they walked in and I wasn’t there and later had to explain why I wasn’t there.

So now I am here….
Doing nothing in particular.



1:44pm



I never do anything actually, not anything meaningful.
I could go on about that, but that's another pessimistic and depressing story.

I think about her sometimes, I try not to but every now and then, for what ever reason, she just pops into my mind.
Her and my replacement.
Can't fault him for that, he didn't know. I wonder if she will ever tell him.
How she chose him because I was way less convenient. Maybe she finally got fed up with me not ever being able to do anything that mattered too.

...

I have thought about getting in contact with him, it wouldn't be that hard. Sure, he didn't ever respond to me on facebook messenger, probably never actually read what I sent him in my first few days of heart ache, but there are ways around that.
It would only take a little social engineering.
I know where he lives, where he works, and a good idea of his schedule. It would only take a phone call, maybe 2, to his store to over there, give the manager there some BS story to go and get him on the phone. After that it would only take a few seconds to tell him everything, and whether or not he chose to believe I would be assured that he knew, that at least he heard.

I have thought about it several times, and reached for the phone a few more, but something always stops me.

I don't know what it is.

Is it because I don't want to ruin her? How does that make sense, while my intention is not explicitly to hurt her by doing this I do believe that the fallout would be of her own doing.

Is it because I don't think it would be fair for her or him? Since when does she care about fairness, and why should I? Will it be fair to him? I think he should know, I would want to know if I was him.

But I am not him. She wants nothing to do with me, but she loves him.

Every now and then I do a little bit of facebook stalking, but to be fair I think everyone really should have their profile set to private. I look through his posts, and its just so damn frustrating/heartbreaking/rage inducing. The other day he posted about things he is looking forward to, and 2 of them were marriage and kids.
I'm not stupid, I know they are having sex, and knowing her I can picture everything and its just so fucking terrible to think about. To know that she threw me away like I was a piece of trash after everything we went through, and to know she is looking forward to having his baby just as much if not more so than he is.

That just....words fail to convey the feeling that brings me.

And I want to lash out, and I could, so someone tell me why am I just sitting back here not doing a goddamn thing and letting it happen?!

...

I think...i think its because, deep down inside I know and understand that she isn't mine to love anymore. I mean I know that already but...maybe I haven't done anything because its not my place to interfere.

...

Went an hour away to my college for the first time yesterday to take a final because they wouldn't let me take it off site. It was pretty cool being at college, kind of swanky. I liked it. Kind of sad though, because once I move I will never be able to go there again.