JE#20

4/21/2016 9:55pm

Listening to: I Took a Pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner



Last week one of the old ladies I work with, Mrs. Anastasia, quite after being here for over 14 years, said she just got tired of the bullshit. I don't blame her. It gets a little worse here every week, but I just have to endure it, though these seasonal allergies, sore throat, and runny nose are so not helping me.



4/26/15 9:44am



I'm at Ogeechee Technical college right now waiting to take my English final at 10am, I had to drive 40 something miles to get here...but its nice. I like the atmosphere, the buildings, the ornamental pond, the students and teachers, everything.

Its cool.

I'm in what I guess is some kind of common area full of chairs and, let me count them, 6 students around me. It feels so...strange. I do miss the school environment, but I feel so...i don't know. I know that after I finish this final I wont ever be coming back to this place, I wont ever see any of these people ever again, especially when I move on the 16th of May.
I feel sad about that.
I'm going to miss this place and these people I don't know.



4/27/16 1:30pm



Hello friend.

I'm sorry, just finished watching the entire first season of Mr Robot.
Not all on one sitting of course, but over the last week and a half.
Good show.
At least in my opinion, not that it matters.

Its pretty cramped in my closet, where I'm at right now.

Or it was, I am under the covers in my bed now. Parents were walking around the house, opening doors so I got out because it would be beyond awkward if they walked in and I wasn’t there and later had to explain why I wasn’t there.

So now I am here….
Doing nothing in particular.



1:44pm



I never do anything actually, not anything meaningful.
I could go on about that, but that's another pessimistic and depressing story.

I think about her sometimes, I try not to but every now and then, for what ever reason, she just pops into my mind.
Her and my replacement.
Can't fault him for that, he didn't know. I wonder if she will ever tell him.
How she chose him because I was way less convenient. Maybe she finally got fed up with me not ever being able to do anything that mattered too.

...

I have thought about getting in contact with him, it wouldn't be that hard. Sure, he didn't ever respond to me on facebook messenger, probably never actually read what I sent him in my first few days of heart ache, but there are ways around that.
It would only take a little social engineering.
I know where he lives, where he works, and a good idea of his schedule. It would only take a phone call, maybe 2, to his store to over there, give the manager there some BS story to go and get him on the phone. After that it would only take a few seconds to tell him everything, and whether or not he chose to believe I would be assured that he knew, that at least he heard.

I have thought about it several times, and reached for the phone a few more, but something always stops me.

I don't know what it is.

Is it because I don't want to ruin her? How does that make sense, while my intention is not explicitly to hurt her by doing this I do believe that the fallout would be of her own doing.

Is it because I don't think it would be fair for her or him? Since when does she care about fairness, and why should I? Will it be fair to him? I think he should know, I would want to know if I was him.

But I am not him. She wants nothing to do with me, but she loves him.

Every now and then I do a little bit of facebook stalking, but to be fair I think everyone really should have their profile set to private. I look through his posts, and its just so damn frustrating/heartbreaking/rage inducing. The other day he posted about things he is looking forward to, and 2 of them were marriage and kids.
I'm not stupid, I know they are having sex, and knowing her I can picture everything and its just so fucking terrible to think about. To know that she threw me away like I was a piece of trash after everything we went through, and to know she is looking forward to having his baby just as much if not more so than he is.

That just....words fail to convey the feeling that brings me.

And I want to lash out, and I could, so someone tell me why am I just sitting back here not doing a goddamn thing and letting it happen?!

...

I think...i think its because, deep down inside I know and understand that she isn't mine to love anymore. I mean I know that already but...maybe I haven't done anything because its not my place to interfere.

...

Went an hour away to my college for the first time yesterday to take a final because they wouldn't let me take it off site. It was pretty cool being at college, kind of swanky. I liked it. Kind of sad though, because once I move I will never be able to go there again.