JE#27

8/11/16 9:46pm



Tonight is going to suck more than usual, not just because I got about 2 hours of sleep but because these bruised muscles HURT.
That "fall" really was surprising.
I say "fall" because I would never tell anyone how I really got them. If I can make it through tonight I should be okay. The arms, especially my wrists are my main concern, over my legs which I thought would be worse but are now relatively okay.



8/17/16 12:27pm

Listening to Crossroad by Au5



Things are healing nicely, I barely feel any discomfort on the left forearm and my right wrist is okay as long as I don’t move it too wildly though I think the bone is more bruised than the muscle.

Still feeling like all im doing is existing….

Thursday is my last day on the night shift, then I have Friday off, then I start Saturday as a day shift stocker, my over night manager was really helpful about it.

Side note: I think when I grow old, if the whole getting a sail boat and traveling the world doesn’t work out…I will just get a backpack full of supplies, step on an unfamiliar road one day facing the sun set and just start walking. I don’t want to retire somewhere and just wait until my savings run out and die.



8/21/16 8:54am



Day shift is different. Im still basically stocking but over all it’s a lot less work than being over night, granted today will only be my second day so I cant speak with experience. Its still frustrating having to relearn how to do things, even more so now that I cant safely play my music while I work which has what made this job mentally bearable up until now. School starts tomorrow, but either today or tomorrow I will go over there before class to recon the area just so I can know where I am going before hand.

I don’t know really. This is all a lot different from what I am use to; maybe it will be better than before?



8/23/16 8:59pm



What do you think would be worse: Never doing something that’s as good as your capable of, or performing at your very best knowing you wont ever be able to do better?

Just a thought.

… … … …okay, not just a thought, more like a while train of thought, but that’s besides the point.

College is…certainly going to be stressful? I haven't even been to all of my classes yet and I can already tell its going to be a struggle with the amount of reading required alone. Officially I am already in the hole financially speaking, before I was able to pay off all of my credit card debt if I wanted to, but now with the onset of these student loans im in the negative and am projected to be about 8-9k in the red once I finish this degree, if I finish this degree. Terrible way of looking at things, I know, but I don’t exactly have a history of optimism.

I have been thinking more about what I want to do in life. I want to have some kind of meaning, some kind of purpose, but I don’t want to be just another slave, another cog in the societal/economic/corporate machine. I want to be…happy? What would make me happy? Immediate thoughts on the subject mostly just point to what is essentially escapism in one form or another. Most days I am hard pressed to find any position in todays modern society that would give me happiness, satisfaction, or just being able to be content with my life. It would seem that the only way to escape would be to just drop everything and flee into the wilderness on some kind of personal journey to find my self or something along those lines. The keyword that makes that whole plan fall apart though is "escape."
I don’t want to be in a situation where I would want to escape, because if I am then I cant find happiness there.

I know that all sounds messed up.

On the opposite side, im afraid of taking too long to discover my purpose in life for whatever I was put on earth to do. What if I don’t figure it out until im old and grey and crippled with old age? What if I never figure it out and live my whole life with indecision? What a waste that would be.

I don’t want to be a waste.

I don’t want to be a failure.



8/30/16 11:17pm



Well, my month supply of soylent is all gone, its going to be great to get back to real food again. I believe I have become a little better not only by how much I spend, but what I am spending it on. Im just trying to be more healthy.