12/13/16 1:12pm
Listening to Masterpiece Theater 1-3 by Marianas Trench
I know that I passed my Programming logic and design class with a 96, I'm still waiting on the other grades to be input by my teachers.
Dad made the promotions list, he is going to go to school for 9 months to become a sergeant major. At first we were all under the impression that we would all stay here while he left for school, kind of like a regular deployment, but Amy told me yesterday that its looking more and more like we will have to go with him. She said that as far as I am concerned, I could either come with them and transfer to a Walmart and college there, specifically to el paso community college. Or, I could stay here, but I would have to live on campus in the dorms. Living in the dorms would add an additional $1700 to my student loans every semester, which would rack up my total estimated student debt to a little over $20,000 if I finish my degree in 2 years.
I don’t want to move. I like the current job and school set up I have, and while they are not the best at least they are relatively stable. I have looked at the el paso community computer science degree plans, and they are a complete joke so that’s not an option at all, which means going with my family isn't an option at all.
Listening to 2016 Best Melodic Dubstep Mix
I will NOT be peer pressured into going 20K in debt by my parents just to appease them or make them happy if I choose to stay here.
Fuck that.
So that leaves me 2 options if they move, I either have to find a room to rent, preferably with 1 or 2 room mates to split rent down to a manageable level; or find a way to live in my car.
Honestly, as bad as it seems, I'm leaning more towards living in my car. By no means will it be easy, but I have a general Idea of how I could make it work.
My main motivation is to save money. As of now I can put away a little over $500 every month with the current hours my job gives me. The family wont leave until June/July so barring any unexpected major expenses I should be able to put away almost $3000 between now and then.
By far gas will be the largest expected increase in my budget. A few modifications will have to be made to my car, such as finding a way to put up mosquito net on a few of my windows so I can crack them at night to let air in but keep bugs out, and putting a pad down in the trunk that I can sleep on when I pull my back seats forward and down.
Showering can be easily taken care of by buying a monthly membership to a 24/7 gym with showers, so that will take care of hygiene for the most part.
A lot of other things will have to be done, but that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head at the moment.
Internet access will not really be a problem, my job has free wifi, as do my school and most libraries, and my phone plan has 3gb of 4G data and unlimited 2G data after that.
Electricity will be a minor hindrance, but with the help of a few portable large capacity power banks that I can charge at work and school (I have one 10,000mah already, I can easily get several better ones) it shouldn’t be too much of a big deal. I will need an address, so I will have to rent out a UPS mail box for the duration of this situation, which will solve the issue of needing an address I can use on official forms as well as getting mail.
I can sleep in my car, though I will have to do so in different places every night, never staying in the same place more than once per week, and changing the days I do decide to sleep there at random so as to not create any noticeable pattern. Great care will have to be taken to become as inconspicuous as possible. Might even need to tint the windows as much is legally allowed.
Food and food storage will be an issue. My eating habits will have to change since I will lose use of an easily accessible oven, microwave, refrigerator, and cabinet to store things in. Eating out extra isn't an option since the extra cost isn't worth the extra accessibility. My job has several microwaves, refrigerators, and a single toaster oven, so while I can store some things there and cook them it will be in a limited capacity. School also has a microwave in the student lounge, so there is that. I know I cant survive on junk, so buying it will have to be kept at a minimum while I buy more fruits, vegetables, and other things I can eat within a few hours unless its fine to store in my car for a few days such as canned foods. Staying healthy is a must.
Will have to keep the car clean and organized because I cant stand clutter, keep up with oil changes, insurance, and make sure the whole thing is taken care of and kept in good condition.
Overall, my lifestyle will have to change drastically, but aside from the initial investment in materials, supplies, etc., I only anticipate my monthly cost of living to go up, say, $150? And that’s being a tad bit overzealous.
In march when I turn 21 I can apply to get my concealed carry permit, then buy a handgun, but up until then I can carry a knife for protection since I am going to be on my own.
All in all, that’s $644 a month I will need to live in my car and carry on going to school and working.
….
….
….
Now, having said all of that, I could move with them…but I just think the whole thing would be detrimental to my education and job. Hell, I could even rent a room with a few people if I was okay with living paycheck to paycheck.
But I am not okay with that. I am soooooooooo not okay with any of that.
My parents have already expressed…great displeasure with my thoughts on living in my car. I don’t blame them, I think it sucks too. But unlike them, I think its much preferable to do this than go 20k in debt over a 2 year degree.
12/29/16 6:07pm
Listening to the tip of the iceberg by owl city
Christmas was great, though it seems to have come and go far too fast, even faster than last year. I got the raspberry pi 3 I wanted, and after 5 days of continuous failure I finally managed to turn it into a file server, albeit one that can (currently) only be accessed on our local network. I was deliberating over whether or not I wanted to add an external hard drive to it to boost the storage from the 16gb sd card it currently has, but what with my pending relocation here in 5 months I doubt it would be worth it. This was mainly meant to be an educational exercise more than anything else, but so far I have still managed to learn a few things while having my hand held by YouTube tutorials.
Even though school is out I am still trying to educate my self in my off time, for instance I am almost done watching a 6 hour video on YouTube about data structures and algorithms. When im done, I think I will get a small head start on my c++ class by watching some more tutorials by the same guy that helped me better understand HTML and css. Lord knows that taking 4 classes this semester is going to be painful.
…
Oh, if I disnt mention it yet, Deanna Holmes came back, she just didnt pay her phone bill or something along those lines.
Also, found out I passed my 3 classes with 2 A's and a B.
THE JOURNAL OF A RATHER DISILLUSIONED YOUNG MAN. UPDATES NORMALLY ON THE 1st OF THE MONTH.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Thursday, December 1, 2016
JE#30 FALL SEMESTER END
11/30/16 11:06pm
Listening to Ritual by Marshmello
Had the good fortune to discover 2 new music artists: Witt Lowry, thanks to Krista and Marshmello thanks to my brother.
I love the majority of both their music.
I had been thinking about getting my associates degree here at CTC and then trying for my bachelors at Texas A&M university, however, recently I have discovered a couple of things that will more than likely persuade me from do that.
First: Found out from my teacher that the majority of my computer science credits will not transfer to A&M, which is the majority of my degree plan. So if I did decide to transfer I might as well be starting from scratch.
Second: The cheapest per year cost of tuition and fees going full time is $10,034 as of 2016. So, at best I come out with a degree and over 40K in debt.
Third: My teacher explained that since A&M is a state run school, they have common core curriculum with is much more generalized in its teaching of subjects, where as CTC is almost like a technical school meant to reach you skills to prepare you for jobs and is more specialized in the subjects it does teach.
After carefully considering each of these points, I believe transferring to Texas A&M would be a bad decision, and a bad investment in my self. I feel I would rather be more confident in my skills and have less of a degree than be less confident in my skills and have more of a degree.
I believe that by studying hard through this degree, along with extensive self study/experimentation/projects afterwards will equip me with enough knowledge and real world experience to get a job.
Also: My teacher recommended that I apply for a lab assistant position that is now open through our school, they have two openings and he thought I might be a good fit. While I love the idea, I doubt I would be accepted because I don’t have a lot of experience, but who knows. It would be a nice way to get my foot in the door of the IT field, even if it was only one day a week.
Finals are almost over with, I just have a few more things to do and my first semester of "real" college will be done! Iv learned so much and come so far from where I was when I first started…it feels nice to be progressing again. Every now and then I go do school work on my computer in the student recreation center. Its full of other people my age just having a fun time, TVs playing the boomerang channel with old cartoons from our youth, pool tables, and various console systems for video games. I love being around so many people being happy, and contrary to popular belief all of the extra activity around helps me actually do my homework. I feel…motivated? I don’t know. Every now and then I even play a round of pool, and interacting with these people who don’t just look through me feels awesome.
…
Recently…Deanna's phone number was switched off. Maybe she didn’t pay the bill, or some other trivial thing happened like it broke or whatever. However, since I don’t know her email, and she deleted her facebook and tinder accounts a long time ago I no longer have a way to contact her…which is sad. I already miss talking to her, and hope she is okay.
I cant do much from my end, but she knows about this blog and could reach me through here if she really wanted too.
This whole event saddens me…
Work is going fine…a few hiccups here and there, just need to remember to keep my mouth shut and do my job.
…
Oh, one last thing: Decided to get all 4 of my car tires replaced since they were getting pretty bad, cost just over $400 which is great considering its barely half of what I thought it would be, but all in all still sucked. Meh….dad says to not complain about spending money on things that need to be done, and I do need to take care of my car so….at least the tires are raged for 60,000 miles!
Listening to Ritual by Marshmello
Had the good fortune to discover 2 new music artists: Witt Lowry, thanks to Krista and Marshmello thanks to my brother.
I love the majority of both their music.
I had been thinking about getting my associates degree here at CTC and then trying for my bachelors at Texas A&M university, however, recently I have discovered a couple of things that will more than likely persuade me from do that.
First: Found out from my teacher that the majority of my computer science credits will not transfer to A&M, which is the majority of my degree plan. So if I did decide to transfer I might as well be starting from scratch.
Second: The cheapest per year cost of tuition and fees going full time is $10,034 as of 2016. So, at best I come out with a degree and over 40K in debt.
Third: My teacher explained that since A&M is a state run school, they have common core curriculum with is much more generalized in its teaching of subjects, where as CTC is almost like a technical school meant to reach you skills to prepare you for jobs and is more specialized in the subjects it does teach.
After carefully considering each of these points, I believe transferring to Texas A&M would be a bad decision, and a bad investment in my self. I feel I would rather be more confident in my skills and have less of a degree than be less confident in my skills and have more of a degree.
I believe that by studying hard through this degree, along with extensive self study/experimentation/projects afterwards will equip me with enough knowledge and real world experience to get a job.
Also: My teacher recommended that I apply for a lab assistant position that is now open through our school, they have two openings and he thought I might be a good fit. While I love the idea, I doubt I would be accepted because I don’t have a lot of experience, but who knows. It would be a nice way to get my foot in the door of the IT field, even if it was only one day a week.
Finals are almost over with, I just have a few more things to do and my first semester of "real" college will be done! Iv learned so much and come so far from where I was when I first started…it feels nice to be progressing again. Every now and then I go do school work on my computer in the student recreation center. Its full of other people my age just having a fun time, TVs playing the boomerang channel with old cartoons from our youth, pool tables, and various console systems for video games. I love being around so many people being happy, and contrary to popular belief all of the extra activity around helps me actually do my homework. I feel…motivated? I don’t know. Every now and then I even play a round of pool, and interacting with these people who don’t just look through me feels awesome.
…
Recently…Deanna's phone number was switched off. Maybe she didn’t pay the bill, or some other trivial thing happened like it broke or whatever. However, since I don’t know her email, and she deleted her facebook and tinder accounts a long time ago I no longer have a way to contact her…which is sad. I already miss talking to her, and hope she is okay.
I cant do much from my end, but she knows about this blog and could reach me through here if she really wanted too.
This whole event saddens me…
Work is going fine…a few hiccups here and there, just need to remember to keep my mouth shut and do my job.
…
Oh, one last thing: Decided to get all 4 of my car tires replaced since they were getting pretty bad, cost just over $400 which is great considering its barely half of what I thought it would be, but all in all still sucked. Meh….dad says to not complain about spending money on things that need to be done, and I do need to take care of my car so….at least the tires are raged for 60,000 miles!
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
JE#29
10/9/16 12:33pm
Listening to
Epic Chillstep Collection 2016 [2 Hours]
From
I have to leave in less than half than hour to go to work, just wanted to write some things before I left, get back in the habit of jotting these down.
This past Wednesday in class we had this professor from a security class across the hall come in and give a short presentation on how to get tech internships over the summer, he struck me as someone really cool, one of the things he said was, "You should see what we are doing in the this other class, it illegal as hell." He was just so enthusiastic…I'm not sure if that class is required for my degree, but if its not I think I would like to take it anyway.
Have had to look at my car more closely lately, was pulled over last night coming home on base for a headlight that was out, went to AutoZone today and got it replaced. Need to take it to a mechanic that can have the whole thing looked over, just so I don’t have to live in blissful ignorance and worry about something breaking at the most inopportune time, plus I'm relatively sure the serpentine belt needs to be replaced. Its going to be expensive, but I would rather go ahead and get everything done and out of the way so I don’t have to worry about it.
Krista is sick, has been feeling crappy the past few days. Things between us have kind of slowed, but I would like to believe that its just holding steady.
I have come to think that after "we" are over and she leaves I wont go out of my way to find a relationship with someone else. Though I do crave companionship, I have school to worry about right now, plus it would undoubtedly be cheaper to be single, dates are the only thing (other than the recent issues with the car) that have been throwing my bi weekly budget for a loop.
Its not a terribly bad thing…I just need to focus on me for awhile, get my stuff taken care of. Its not like I will be alone again, there are plenty of friends at school and some at work I can talk to if I need to.
10/20/16 10:49pm
Listening to Cecilia and the satellite by someone whos name I don’t recall or care to look up
Had the car tuned up, good thing too because the serpentine belt had plenty of little cracks forming.
Things got a little tense at work this past week. I need to remember not to get too close to anyone, do what I am supposed to, and not get too comfortable.
10/23/16 11:11am
Listening to Just a dream by Nelly
It hasn’t even been a week and the car has already broken down. The serpentine belt they replaced is hanging off under the car. I can still use my brothers stick shift truck to get to work for today, but will find a way to have the car towed to the shop so they can fix it. In the event that they didn’t put a warranty on their work, I am going to be royally pissed and actually go out of my way to leave a bad review on yelp.
3:04pm
Got in trouble at work today, received my first coaching. It was my own fault, got too comfortable here and didn’t stay between the lines. I wrote something stupid, immature, and inappropriate on a claims tag for the reason the item broke. When they pulled me into the office I was so nervous, had no idea what they wanted. I was…reprimanded.
Wont make that mistake again.
10/31/16 11:12pm
Another Halloween come and gone. On my way back from school I saw a lot of people out trick or treating…I tried not to look at them too much other than not hitting them with the car. I have never seen that many people out and about here before, and I doubt I will again for a long while. I kept thinking to my self that they weren't real, not to me anyway. Not one of those people have a measurable worthwhile effect on my life. They are, all of them, just ghosts on a night made for ghosts.
That’s very pessimistic, but what do I care.
I just spent the last 3 hours or so watching episodes 1-8 of evangelion.
Time that I could have spent studying, but I guess that will be done tomorrow.
Such an inefficient waste of time…
I need to study more, I was getting real good at it for about a week, then messed up the past few days.
But I don’t just need to study, I need to LEARN.
Been thinking about getting a raspberry pi and setting up my own webserver to host a website I would eventually build, but with the cost of moving my parents internet over to a business account I might as well have my site hosted by someone other than my self.
It would be cheaper…
But that defeats the purpose of getting the pi, for experience with bare minimum computers, Linux, and a few other things.
So the web server turns out to be non-viable, oh well. It was worth a shot.
I can however, still build an ftp server out of one, my own personal networked attached storage if you will. Not exactly my first choice but it beats doing nothing. I have already demonstrated my use to my father in my ability to fetch a movie he wanted off the web for free. One of my friends told me that if you go to those annoying sites that say they have the movie but wont let you watch it without signing up, if you view their source code you can actually bypass the signup BS and download it straight from the files location in their HTML document. It’s a bit of a hassle to find the specific file and it takes a little more time, but its worked so far every time I have tried it.
I explained that to my brother earlier when he walked in as we watched some evangelion together and he thought it was the coolest thing in the world, said I was genius and wished he could do that.
I have to admit if you didn’t know what all of this was it might indeed sound super sexy and cool, but its kind of simple…not to make it sound easy, im just saying im not super cool for knowing how to do it.
…
…
…
Things with Krista seem kind of dead and or dying at the moment. Recently every time I have attempted to schedule a date or something for us to do together she either always has plans or doesn’t respond.
Im not mad, a little upset to tell the truth but I have grown a much thicker skin since Sarah. Krista has been really nice to me, she has shown me kindness, affection, and support. I was in a bad place before I found her, and she brought me out of it.
Im grateful for that.
She is still leaving, probably around march ish if not sooner. She was already accepted and everything, just waiting to ship. I don’t regret a single moment I have spent with her, and I am okay with letting her go. If its sooner than expected…I can be okay with that too.
Listening to
Epic Chillstep Collection 2016 [2 Hours]
From
I have to leave in less than half than hour to go to work, just wanted to write some things before I left, get back in the habit of jotting these down.
This past Wednesday in class we had this professor from a security class across the hall come in and give a short presentation on how to get tech internships over the summer, he struck me as someone really cool, one of the things he said was, "You should see what we are doing in the this other class, it illegal as hell." He was just so enthusiastic…I'm not sure if that class is required for my degree, but if its not I think I would like to take it anyway.
Have had to look at my car more closely lately, was pulled over last night coming home on base for a headlight that was out, went to AutoZone today and got it replaced. Need to take it to a mechanic that can have the whole thing looked over, just so I don’t have to live in blissful ignorance and worry about something breaking at the most inopportune time, plus I'm relatively sure the serpentine belt needs to be replaced. Its going to be expensive, but I would rather go ahead and get everything done and out of the way so I don’t have to worry about it.
Krista is sick, has been feeling crappy the past few days. Things between us have kind of slowed, but I would like to believe that its just holding steady.
I have come to think that after "we" are over and she leaves I wont go out of my way to find a relationship with someone else. Though I do crave companionship, I have school to worry about right now, plus it would undoubtedly be cheaper to be single, dates are the only thing (other than the recent issues with the car) that have been throwing my bi weekly budget for a loop.
Its not a terribly bad thing…I just need to focus on me for awhile, get my stuff taken care of. Its not like I will be alone again, there are plenty of friends at school and some at work I can talk to if I need to.
10/20/16 10:49pm
Listening to Cecilia and the satellite by someone whos name I don’t recall or care to look up
Had the car tuned up, good thing too because the serpentine belt had plenty of little cracks forming.
Things got a little tense at work this past week. I need to remember not to get too close to anyone, do what I am supposed to, and not get too comfortable.
10/23/16 11:11am
Listening to Just a dream by Nelly
It hasn’t even been a week and the car has already broken down. The serpentine belt they replaced is hanging off under the car. I can still use my brothers stick shift truck to get to work for today, but will find a way to have the car towed to the shop so they can fix it. In the event that they didn’t put a warranty on their work, I am going to be royally pissed and actually go out of my way to leave a bad review on yelp.
3:04pm
Got in trouble at work today, received my first coaching. It was my own fault, got too comfortable here and didn’t stay between the lines. I wrote something stupid, immature, and inappropriate on a claims tag for the reason the item broke. When they pulled me into the office I was so nervous, had no idea what they wanted. I was…reprimanded.
Wont make that mistake again.
10/31/16 11:12pm
Another Halloween come and gone. On my way back from school I saw a lot of people out trick or treating…I tried not to look at them too much other than not hitting them with the car. I have never seen that many people out and about here before, and I doubt I will again for a long while. I kept thinking to my self that they weren't real, not to me anyway. Not one of those people have a measurable worthwhile effect on my life. They are, all of them, just ghosts on a night made for ghosts.
That’s very pessimistic, but what do I care.
I just spent the last 3 hours or so watching episodes 1-8 of evangelion.
Time that I could have spent studying, but I guess that will be done tomorrow.
Such an inefficient waste of time…
I need to study more, I was getting real good at it for about a week, then messed up the past few days.
But I don’t just need to study, I need to LEARN.
Been thinking about getting a raspberry pi and setting up my own webserver to host a website I would eventually build, but with the cost of moving my parents internet over to a business account I might as well have my site hosted by someone other than my self.
It would be cheaper…
But that defeats the purpose of getting the pi, for experience with bare minimum computers, Linux, and a few other things.
So the web server turns out to be non-viable, oh well. It was worth a shot.
I can however, still build an ftp server out of one, my own personal networked attached storage if you will. Not exactly my first choice but it beats doing nothing. I have already demonstrated my use to my father in my ability to fetch a movie he wanted off the web for free. One of my friends told me that if you go to those annoying sites that say they have the movie but wont let you watch it without signing up, if you view their source code you can actually bypass the signup BS and download it straight from the files location in their HTML document. It’s a bit of a hassle to find the specific file and it takes a little more time, but its worked so far every time I have tried it.
I explained that to my brother earlier when he walked in as we watched some evangelion together and he thought it was the coolest thing in the world, said I was genius and wished he could do that.
I have to admit if you didn’t know what all of this was it might indeed sound super sexy and cool, but its kind of simple…not to make it sound easy, im just saying im not super cool for knowing how to do it.
…
…
…
Things with Krista seem kind of dead and or dying at the moment. Recently every time I have attempted to schedule a date or something for us to do together she either always has plans or doesn’t respond.
Im not mad, a little upset to tell the truth but I have grown a much thicker skin since Sarah. Krista has been really nice to me, she has shown me kindness, affection, and support. I was in a bad place before I found her, and she brought me out of it.
Im grateful for that.
She is still leaving, probably around march ish if not sooner. She was already accepted and everything, just waiting to ship. I don’t regret a single moment I have spent with her, and I am okay with letting her go. If its sooner than expected…I can be okay with that too.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
JE#28 MISTAKE
9/2/16 10:23pm
About an hour ago I made a terrible, morally wrong choice, and it cost me $100.
9/5/16 10:28pm
I do a lot of my best thinking when I have had 3 or more cups of coffee. It normally only lasts for under half an hour, after that my mind slows down again and I just have an elevated heart rate. I feel so much more alive on coffee, so full of artificial energy, my thoughts as well as my body moved faster…end then it ends and its back to boring useless old me. Coffee is great, not only for the caffeine but for the taste too; at least I think so. I have met some people who say that they not only don’t like coffee but that they hate it too.
I don’t understand them.
Is it weird that almost everytime I try to write one of these entries I have to stop my self from saying "not much has happened",? How boring is that.
How boring I am.
I am boring.
I wont try to deny it.
I work, I go to school, and generally try to spend the least amount of money possible, although I certainly don’t lack for wants. I want a lot of things. There are some things I REALLY want. But I don’t buy them because it would put me in a financial bond.
I have a lot of random thoughts. I don’t put most of them down here because they would be seen as totally random and unrelated…but my mind wanders and I don’t have much motivation to stop it.
Over simplification, over clarification; I try to avoid these things.
Most days I try to focus on the task at hand and not think about my self. Failing to do so usually leads to me thinking about…me, my past, my present, my possible futures…and its all very…disconcerting, if not downright depressing.
I remember the things I have done…
…
Im not depressed, mind you, Im just sad sometimes. Is it unusual that every time I think of my self saying im not depressed I immediately imagine some doctor saying "of course your not" as they write me a prescription for anti depressants or other mold stabilizers, and the thought tools me with anger because I HATE any medication like that.
I don’t think its unusual, not if you consider my background.
You know, I once had this guy I worked with on the nightshift comment that I always seemed so jovial because I was always smiling and cracking jokes and making people laugh. He said I always looked so happy.
I looked him dead in the eye with a straight face and said to him, "Im not happy, im incredibly sad." He looked confused, so I continued, "you don’t know me, what you see is a face, a mask I put on for the rest of the world because THAT is what you want to see."
10/4/16 8:19pm
Listening to All Time Low by Jon Bellion
Well this update certainly took 3 days longer than it was supposed to.
(precedes to not give any explanation for the late update)
For starters, made another $100 mistake a week or so ago, wasn’t too upset about it other than having to give up the money, this one being much better than the last one, but that’s a morality problem. Cant keep doing that because it’s a significant unnecessary drain on my financial resources, im risking my physical health every time I do (cant be lucky everytime) and theirs is the ever present danger of running into law enforcement.
Going to have to learn to live without it, which will be hard but not unmanageable. Hell, every other guy seems to live without it just fine.
Grades are good, I have in A in 2 of my classes and nothing in the other one because she apparently hasn’t felt the need to put anything into the grade book, but its what ever. Im confident im passing it though that sure as hell isn't based on my knowledge of the material.
Time management is the key to getting almost everything done correctly and on time, something that also happens to be the hardest to do. Curse those nights staying up until 11:30pm watching YouTube instead of going to bed on time!
Sleep is soooooooo something I need more of, me and every other working person.
Work is going well, no trials I haven't been able to handle thus far but I do need to watch my self and keep everything in line. My amount of scheduled hours over the past few weeks hasn't been the greatest, but im getting buy, still able to pay what few bills I have with at least $100 to put into savings. It should get better as the holidays pick up and there are more hours available.
A belt in my car engine will have to be replaced fairly soon, over the next couple of days for sure so says jiffy lube. I don’t know, im worried about it but dad says to take it to a real mechanic to have them look it over just to be sure. I don’t know near as much about my vehicle as I would like to, but I don’t have the money or time to get familiar with the parts and tools I would need to check it my self.
I got a cheap small 32 inch tv from a pawn shop to use as a display for my laptop, its great so far and I like it. Need to get a chair and a controller to go with it so I can sit at the desk and do everything comfortably, everything costs money though.
Side note, there was this lady that came into my store and started chatting me up, told me about this company she works for that needs team leaders in this area and blah blah blah blah. Researched her organization a few hours ago after she called me and it’s the usual pyramid scam. I kind of felt bad for telling her what I found and that I would be blocking her number. She seemed like such a nice old Mexican lady, but the overwhelming evidence against her organization was…well, overwhelming.
Meh, things are going smoothly so far, a few little bumps along the way but that’s par for the course.
About an hour ago I made a terrible, morally wrong choice, and it cost me $100.
9/5/16 10:28pm
I do a lot of my best thinking when I have had 3 or more cups of coffee. It normally only lasts for under half an hour, after that my mind slows down again and I just have an elevated heart rate. I feel so much more alive on coffee, so full of artificial energy, my thoughts as well as my body moved faster…end then it ends and its back to boring useless old me. Coffee is great, not only for the caffeine but for the taste too; at least I think so. I have met some people who say that they not only don’t like coffee but that they hate it too.
I don’t understand them.
Is it weird that almost everytime I try to write one of these entries I have to stop my self from saying "not much has happened",? How boring is that.
How boring I am.
I am boring.
I wont try to deny it.
I work, I go to school, and generally try to spend the least amount of money possible, although I certainly don’t lack for wants. I want a lot of things. There are some things I REALLY want. But I don’t buy them because it would put me in a financial bond.
I have a lot of random thoughts. I don’t put most of them down here because they would be seen as totally random and unrelated…but my mind wanders and I don’t have much motivation to stop it.
Over simplification, over clarification; I try to avoid these things.
Most days I try to focus on the task at hand and not think about my self. Failing to do so usually leads to me thinking about…me, my past, my present, my possible futures…and its all very…disconcerting, if not downright depressing.
I remember the things I have done…
…
Im not depressed, mind you, Im just sad sometimes. Is it unusual that every time I think of my self saying im not depressed I immediately imagine some doctor saying "of course your not" as they write me a prescription for anti depressants or other mold stabilizers, and the thought tools me with anger because I HATE any medication like that.
I don’t think its unusual, not if you consider my background.
You know, I once had this guy I worked with on the nightshift comment that I always seemed so jovial because I was always smiling and cracking jokes and making people laugh. He said I always looked so happy.
I looked him dead in the eye with a straight face and said to him, "Im not happy, im incredibly sad." He looked confused, so I continued, "you don’t know me, what you see is a face, a mask I put on for the rest of the world because THAT is what you want to see."
10/4/16 8:19pm
Listening to All Time Low by Jon Bellion
Well this update certainly took 3 days longer than it was supposed to.
(precedes to not give any explanation for the late update)
For starters, made another $100 mistake a week or so ago, wasn’t too upset about it other than having to give up the money, this one being much better than the last one, but that’s a morality problem. Cant keep doing that because it’s a significant unnecessary drain on my financial resources, im risking my physical health every time I do (cant be lucky everytime) and theirs is the ever present danger of running into law enforcement.
Going to have to learn to live without it, which will be hard but not unmanageable. Hell, every other guy seems to live without it just fine.
Grades are good, I have in A in 2 of my classes and nothing in the other one because she apparently hasn’t felt the need to put anything into the grade book, but its what ever. Im confident im passing it though that sure as hell isn't based on my knowledge of the material.
Time management is the key to getting almost everything done correctly and on time, something that also happens to be the hardest to do. Curse those nights staying up until 11:30pm watching YouTube instead of going to bed on time!
Sleep is soooooooo something I need more of, me and every other working person.
Work is going well, no trials I haven't been able to handle thus far but I do need to watch my self and keep everything in line. My amount of scheduled hours over the past few weeks hasn't been the greatest, but im getting buy, still able to pay what few bills I have with at least $100 to put into savings. It should get better as the holidays pick up and there are more hours available.
A belt in my car engine will have to be replaced fairly soon, over the next couple of days for sure so says jiffy lube. I don’t know, im worried about it but dad says to take it to a real mechanic to have them look it over just to be sure. I don’t know near as much about my vehicle as I would like to, but I don’t have the money or time to get familiar with the parts and tools I would need to check it my self.
I got a cheap small 32 inch tv from a pawn shop to use as a display for my laptop, its great so far and I like it. Need to get a chair and a controller to go with it so I can sit at the desk and do everything comfortably, everything costs money though.
Side note, there was this lady that came into my store and started chatting me up, told me about this company she works for that needs team leaders in this area and blah blah blah blah. Researched her organization a few hours ago after she called me and it’s the usual pyramid scam. I kind of felt bad for telling her what I found and that I would be blocking her number. She seemed like such a nice old Mexican lady, but the overwhelming evidence against her organization was…well, overwhelming.
Meh, things are going smoothly so far, a few little bumps along the way but that’s par for the course.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
JE#27
8/11/16 9:46pm
Tonight is going to suck more than usual, not just because I got about 2 hours of sleep but because these bruised muscles HURT.
That "fall" really was surprising.
I say "fall" because I would never tell anyone how I really got them. If I can make it through tonight I should be okay. The arms, especially my wrists are my main concern, over my legs which I thought would be worse but are now relatively okay.
8/17/16 12:27pm
Listening to Crossroad by Au5
Things are healing nicely, I barely feel any discomfort on the left forearm and my right wrist is okay as long as I don’t move it too wildly though I think the bone is more bruised than the muscle.
Still feeling like all im doing is existing….
Thursday is my last day on the night shift, then I have Friday off, then I start Saturday as a day shift stocker, my over night manager was really helpful about it.
Side note: I think when I grow old, if the whole getting a sail boat and traveling the world doesn’t work out…I will just get a backpack full of supplies, step on an unfamiliar road one day facing the sun set and just start walking. I don’t want to retire somewhere and just wait until my savings run out and die.
8/21/16 8:54am
Day shift is different. Im still basically stocking but over all it’s a lot less work than being over night, granted today will only be my second day so I cant speak with experience. Its still frustrating having to relearn how to do things, even more so now that I cant safely play my music while I work which has what made this job mentally bearable up until now. School starts tomorrow, but either today or tomorrow I will go over there before class to recon the area just so I can know where I am going before hand.
I don’t know really. This is all a lot different from what I am use to; maybe it will be better than before?
8/23/16 8:59pm
What do you think would be worse: Never doing something that’s as good as your capable of, or performing at your very best knowing you wont ever be able to do better?
Just a thought.
… … … …okay, not just a thought, more like a while train of thought, but that’s besides the point.
College is…certainly going to be stressful? I haven't even been to all of my classes yet and I can already tell its going to be a struggle with the amount of reading required alone. Officially I am already in the hole financially speaking, before I was able to pay off all of my credit card debt if I wanted to, but now with the onset of these student loans im in the negative and am projected to be about 8-9k in the red once I finish this degree, if I finish this degree. Terrible way of looking at things, I know, but I don’t exactly have a history of optimism.
I have been thinking more about what I want to do in life. I want to have some kind of meaning, some kind of purpose, but I don’t want to be just another slave, another cog in the societal/economic/corporate machine. I want to be…happy? What would make me happy? Immediate thoughts on the subject mostly just point to what is essentially escapism in one form or another. Most days I am hard pressed to find any position in todays modern society that would give me happiness, satisfaction, or just being able to be content with my life. It would seem that the only way to escape would be to just drop everything and flee into the wilderness on some kind of personal journey to find my self or something along those lines. The keyword that makes that whole plan fall apart though is "escape."
I don’t want to be in a situation where I would want to escape, because if I am then I cant find happiness there.
I know that all sounds messed up.
On the opposite side, im afraid of taking too long to discover my purpose in life for whatever I was put on earth to do. What if I don’t figure it out until im old and grey and crippled with old age? What if I never figure it out and live my whole life with indecision? What a waste that would be.
I don’t want to be a waste.
I don’t want to be a failure.
8/30/16 11:17pm
Well, my month supply of soylent is all gone, its going to be great to get back to real food again. I believe I have become a little better not only by how much I spend, but what I am spending it on. Im just trying to be more healthy.
Tonight is going to suck more than usual, not just because I got about 2 hours of sleep but because these bruised muscles HURT.
That "fall" really was surprising.
I say "fall" because I would never tell anyone how I really got them. If I can make it through tonight I should be okay. The arms, especially my wrists are my main concern, over my legs which I thought would be worse but are now relatively okay.
8/17/16 12:27pm
Listening to Crossroad by Au5
Things are healing nicely, I barely feel any discomfort on the left forearm and my right wrist is okay as long as I don’t move it too wildly though I think the bone is more bruised than the muscle.
Still feeling like all im doing is existing….
Thursday is my last day on the night shift, then I have Friday off, then I start Saturday as a day shift stocker, my over night manager was really helpful about it.
Side note: I think when I grow old, if the whole getting a sail boat and traveling the world doesn’t work out…I will just get a backpack full of supplies, step on an unfamiliar road one day facing the sun set and just start walking. I don’t want to retire somewhere and just wait until my savings run out and die.
8/21/16 8:54am
Day shift is different. Im still basically stocking but over all it’s a lot less work than being over night, granted today will only be my second day so I cant speak with experience. Its still frustrating having to relearn how to do things, even more so now that I cant safely play my music while I work which has what made this job mentally bearable up until now. School starts tomorrow, but either today or tomorrow I will go over there before class to recon the area just so I can know where I am going before hand.
I don’t know really. This is all a lot different from what I am use to; maybe it will be better than before?
8/23/16 8:59pm
What do you think would be worse: Never doing something that’s as good as your capable of, or performing at your very best knowing you wont ever be able to do better?
Just a thought.
… … … …okay, not just a thought, more like a while train of thought, but that’s besides the point.
College is…certainly going to be stressful? I haven't even been to all of my classes yet and I can already tell its going to be a struggle with the amount of reading required alone. Officially I am already in the hole financially speaking, before I was able to pay off all of my credit card debt if I wanted to, but now with the onset of these student loans im in the negative and am projected to be about 8-9k in the red once I finish this degree, if I finish this degree. Terrible way of looking at things, I know, but I don’t exactly have a history of optimism.
I have been thinking more about what I want to do in life. I want to have some kind of meaning, some kind of purpose, but I don’t want to be just another slave, another cog in the societal/economic/corporate machine. I want to be…happy? What would make me happy? Immediate thoughts on the subject mostly just point to what is essentially escapism in one form or another. Most days I am hard pressed to find any position in todays modern society that would give me happiness, satisfaction, or just being able to be content with my life. It would seem that the only way to escape would be to just drop everything and flee into the wilderness on some kind of personal journey to find my self or something along those lines. The keyword that makes that whole plan fall apart though is "escape."
I don’t want to be in a situation where I would want to escape, because if I am then I cant find happiness there.
I know that all sounds messed up.
On the opposite side, im afraid of taking too long to discover my purpose in life for whatever I was put on earth to do. What if I don’t figure it out until im old and grey and crippled with old age? What if I never figure it out and live my whole life with indecision? What a waste that would be.
I don’t want to be a waste.
I don’t want to be a failure.
8/30/16 11:17pm
Well, my month supply of soylent is all gone, its going to be great to get back to real food again. I believe I have become a little better not only by how much I spend, but what I am spending it on. Im just trying to be more healthy.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
JE#26
8/3/2016 2:05am
Sorry it took so long, just...not much going on. Again, I'm having to force my self to update this thing. Krista and I are still dating, and things are going nice on that front. We went to the pool last week and I am still shedding dead skin on my shoulders from that sunburn. I did get the financial aid and loans I needed to go to school and will be taking 3 classes: Intro to the internet, networking+, and programming logic and design. The last hurdle I have with that is to go to day shift, but the day shift manager is making the whole thing hard for me to the point in not sure if it will actually happen. If he doesn't give me the days off I need, or if he does but can't give me enough hours per week, then I will have to stay on nightshift with my manager who will give me those days off and just make it work somehow.
Oh, I don't know if I said anything about it but my phone screen cracked a few weeks ago when I dropped it. I ordered a new one online, but the tools they sent to take my old one off didn't fit (how unsurprising) and I had to order the t2 and t5 screwdrivers separately off of eBay. I have everything I need to fix it now: The screwdrivers, screen replacement, and heat gun to get the battery off. Now I just have to watch a few disassembly videos as I take it apart and hope I don't brick it in the process.
Anyway, I think I will start doing this on a monthly basis instead of biweekly now. Not enough interesting things happen biweekly for me to keep on with that, which is sad and shows just how fast my life is moving on without anything happening
Sorry it took so long, just...not much going on. Again, I'm having to force my self to update this thing. Krista and I are still dating, and things are going nice on that front. We went to the pool last week and I am still shedding dead skin on my shoulders from that sunburn. I did get the financial aid and loans I needed to go to school and will be taking 3 classes: Intro to the internet, networking+, and programming logic and design. The last hurdle I have with that is to go to day shift, but the day shift manager is making the whole thing hard for me to the point in not sure if it will actually happen. If he doesn't give me the days off I need, or if he does but can't give me enough hours per week, then I will have to stay on nightshift with my manager who will give me those days off and just make it work somehow.
Oh, I don't know if I said anything about it but my phone screen cracked a few weeks ago when I dropped it. I ordered a new one online, but the tools they sent to take my old one off didn't fit (how unsurprising) and I had to order the t2 and t5 screwdrivers separately off of eBay. I have everything I need to fix it now: The screwdrivers, screen replacement, and heat gun to get the battery off. Now I just have to watch a few disassembly videos as I take it apart and hope I don't brick it in the process.
Anyway, I think I will start doing this on a monthly basis instead of biweekly now. Not enough interesting things happen biweekly for me to keep on with that, which is sad and shows just how fast my life is moving on without anything happening
Thursday, July 14, 2016
JE#25
7/6/16 6:11am
Listening to The Feel Good Drag by Anberlin
It's been hard to force my self to do these journal entries lately, not much goes on, the last one was almost me saying "will update when something bad happens." Isn't it weird that I have no trouble doing these entries when things are going badly, but when things start to pick up and are great for awhile I have almost no interest in them. The 1st and 14th of the month seem like they are coming faster and faster these last 2 posts.
I guess I have no issue talking here when things suck, but when everything is running smoothly I would rather be out there living it than here talking about it.
Go figure.
Did I ever say I wrecked my car? I cant remember off the top of my head, but only the front light and side bumper are messed up; the light assembly replacement should be here either tomorrow or the day after, and I will fix the bumper with a drill and zip ties.
As for how things are going with Krista...they are great...which is a problem. I love how things are going, and I wish I could spend more time with her outside of our weekly dates...but she is leaving. I don't blame her for following her dreams and trying to go into the navy as an officer, if that's what makes her happy then how could I possibly be mad? By my calculations, if everything goes correctly she might be shipping off as soon as soon as January 2017, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened sooner. She wants to enjoy the time we have left together, and I do too but...after things ending so badly with Sarah only to find a perfect girl later who will only be here for a short time...it just sucks.
That would be my luck though.
I have thought about ending it, but in truth I don't want to. I know that as time goes on my feelings for her will only grow stronger and that will only make the separation all the more painful when it happens. Does that say something about me? That I am not strong enough to let go when I need to?
I don't know.
...
...
...
Tensions are a little high right now. My temporary tags expire the first of next month and the only way for me to get new ones is to pass a safety inspection...which I can't do until I replace my light and bumper in the next 2 days or so. I need to call my college and have them electronically send my transcripts to the college I am transferring to, and window of opportunity to do that is only getting smaller.
Haven't coded for a week or 2, got back into it a few hours ago to freshen up on it. Even if college works out the associates degree I would get wont land me a job on its own, i doubt i would have the experience for one either seeing as how this program only teaches 3 languages, one of which I will probably have to skip over for the other option of an programming internship at this company that the school offers. I think the fact that they offer that is pretty cool, and it will definitely help in regards to experience. So many languages to learn...its unreal.
On the 8th I go to the hospital for a physical and to schedule a bunch of other appointments to have some things taken off of my medical records. The recruiter says that I I can do that, then he can send it all the the army surgeon general, and if he signs off on it then I might have a fighting chance of getting I to the army. This is the last ditch effort as far as gettinginto military is concerned.
Listening to The Feel Good Drag by Anberlin
It's been hard to force my self to do these journal entries lately, not much goes on, the last one was almost me saying "will update when something bad happens." Isn't it weird that I have no trouble doing these entries when things are going badly, but when things start to pick up and are great for awhile I have almost no interest in them. The 1st and 14th of the month seem like they are coming faster and faster these last 2 posts.
I guess I have no issue talking here when things suck, but when everything is running smoothly I would rather be out there living it than here talking about it.
Go figure.
Did I ever say I wrecked my car? I cant remember off the top of my head, but only the front light and side bumper are messed up; the light assembly replacement should be here either tomorrow or the day after, and I will fix the bumper with a drill and zip ties.
As for how things are going with Krista...they are great...which is a problem. I love how things are going, and I wish I could spend more time with her outside of our weekly dates...but she is leaving. I don't blame her for following her dreams and trying to go into the navy as an officer, if that's what makes her happy then how could I possibly be mad? By my calculations, if everything goes correctly she might be shipping off as soon as soon as January 2017, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened sooner. She wants to enjoy the time we have left together, and I do too but...after things ending so badly with Sarah only to find a perfect girl later who will only be here for a short time...it just sucks.
That would be my luck though.
I have thought about ending it, but in truth I don't want to. I know that as time goes on my feelings for her will only grow stronger and that will only make the separation all the more painful when it happens. Does that say something about me? That I am not strong enough to let go when I need to?
I don't know.
...
...
...
Tensions are a little high right now. My temporary tags expire the first of next month and the only way for me to get new ones is to pass a safety inspection...which I can't do until I replace my light and bumper in the next 2 days or so. I need to call my college and have them electronically send my transcripts to the college I am transferring to, and window of opportunity to do that is only getting smaller.
Haven't coded for a week or 2, got back into it a few hours ago to freshen up on it. Even if college works out the associates degree I would get wont land me a job on its own, i doubt i would have the experience for one either seeing as how this program only teaches 3 languages, one of which I will probably have to skip over for the other option of an programming internship at this company that the school offers. I think the fact that they offer that is pretty cool, and it will definitely help in regards to experience. So many languages to learn...its unreal.
On the 8th I go to the hospital for a physical and to schedule a bunch of other appointments to have some things taken off of my medical records. The recruiter says that I I can do that, then he can send it all the the army surgeon general, and if he signs off on it then I might have a fighting chance of getting I to the army. This is the last ditch effort as far as gettinginto military is concerned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)