6/30/16 12:32pm
Listening to: Have a Cigar by Pink Floyd
Things with Krista are going great, we went on our 6th date yesterday. Things could be worse at home, tensions are a little high going coming out of the summer semester of school going into fall. Had my first wreck a week or so ago, clipped the front end of a truck and messed up my passenger side light and bumper. In order for me to get my tags I have to take a safety inspection which I can't to until my replacement light gets here in a week or so. As for the bumper…im not willing to pay a few hundred dollars to have someone fix it, so a combination of super crazy glue, several drilled holes, and zip ties should take care of it. I didn’t buy the car for looks, so a cosmetic issue like that doesn’t really bother me.
I have an appointment July 8th so I can schedule some tests to say that I don’t have some things that were already done by civilian doctors but now have to be done by army doctors so I can send it to the recruiter. I don’t have high hopes for that, but at least its something.
Nothing bad has really happened lately, I love going on dates with Krista, and soon I will be going to day shift at work around the end of July, which will also make it easier to go to college full time. Im not too happy about going to cap team 2 and basically being an unloader, but it would serve to put me on a normal schedule, reconnect with my family (which may or may not be bad because it will mean more friction between me and everyone els), and more time to hang out with Krista.
Im trying to take it relatively slow with her, not making any unwanted advances. I won't lie, I certainly think about it from time to time, but I want to respect her, and my self for that matter. Im…happy with how things are at the moment…just hope she finds a job close by and doesn’t have to leave.
THE JOURNAL OF A RATHER DISILLUSIONED YOUNG MAN. UPDATES NORMALLY ON THE 1st OF THE MONTH.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
JE#23 MOVING ON
6/3/2016 2:55am
Listening to: Game Over by Falling in Reverse
Yesterday I stayed up an extra 3 hours to get my first car, a 2005 Kia with almost 88000 miles on it foe $4700 total. Its cool, though I can feel my legs vibrate when I get up into the 80mph range.
After watching a bunch of YouTube videos I finally managed to get the MinGW compiler to work, soon after I created, compiled, and executed my first "hello world" program.
6/12/16 10:43pm
Listening to Skrillex ft. Krewella -Breath (vocal edit)
A lot happened over the past 2 weeks regarding my ex. Started talking for a few days about everything that happened, was finally able to vent my frustrations. She is engaged to the new guy, but knows I could have ended her "happy ever after" before it ever really had a chance to take off. Her marriage, bearing his children, and her happily growing old with him...I could have crushed all of that, I held complete control over whether her future was bright and wonderful or dark and full of despair. We talked about that for a few days, what it would have meant and the obvious repercussions of it all if that's what I chose to do.
After talking about that for a few days...after I had her tell me all of her plans and long term goals ...I saw that she and the new guy both believed, really believed that after all of the terrible things that had happened to them through out their lives, that they had a decent chance to build something great together, to make a happy marriage that would last and lead a happy life.
Knowing that I was the only thing standing in their way, I was the one who actually decided if they would get the chance or not. I took a few minuets to think about her response where she laid everything out for me, her entire world she wanted to build without me...and it didn't make me angry like all of her other responses about him did.
I messaged her back and said:
"Have your happy ending then."
Listening to: Game Over by Falling in Reverse
Yesterday I stayed up an extra 3 hours to get my first car, a 2005 Kia with almost 88000 miles on it foe $4700 total. Its cool, though I can feel my legs vibrate when I get up into the 80mph range.
After watching a bunch of YouTube videos I finally managed to get the MinGW compiler to work, soon after I created, compiled, and executed my first "hello world" program.
6/12/16 10:43pm
Listening to Skrillex ft. Krewella -Breath (vocal edit)
A lot happened over the past 2 weeks regarding my ex. Started talking for a few days about everything that happened, was finally able to vent my frustrations. She is engaged to the new guy, but knows I could have ended her "happy ever after" before it ever really had a chance to take off. Her marriage, bearing his children, and her happily growing old with him...I could have crushed all of that, I held complete control over whether her future was bright and wonderful or dark and full of despair. We talked about that for a few days, what it would have meant and the obvious repercussions of it all if that's what I chose to do.
After talking about that for a few days...after I had her tell me all of her plans and long term goals ...I saw that she and the new guy both believed, really believed that after all of the terrible things that had happened to them through out their lives, that they had a decent chance to build something great together, to make a happy marriage that would last and lead a happy life.
Knowing that I was the only thing standing in their way, I was the one who actually decided if they would get the chance or not. I took a few minuets to think about her response where she laid everything out for me, her entire world she wanted to build without me...and it didn't make me angry like all of her other responses about him did.
I messaged her back and said:
"Have your happy ending then."
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
JE#22
5/15/2016 8:58am
Listening to: I took a pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
Sitting on this little bench by some trees on the side of a walkway by our hotel room. The family is getting ready for church, and with everyone being in a cramped space with one bathroom is causing the kind of chaos and easily ignitable tempers you would expect. I got tired of it, came out here to wait until they are all done and ready to go; its nice out here for now, the cool air is a little on the chilly side with a nice breeze just the way I like it, and I can hear children laughing in the background as they play in the playground at the park a few yards away.
5/18/2016
Listening to: Needle and Haystack Life by Switchfoot
The drive from Georgia to Texas was…uneventful. At my grandmothers house in Kilgore now, an old childhood home. Got here yesterday afternoon but we leave tomorrow. This place brings back memories, though most of them are about waiting for one thing or another. This house, these people, its all just another purgatory. I don’t belong here but I wont be long, just passing through.
I talked to my great grandmother who lives across the street, I asked about some of our extended family and how they are doing, talked about my childhood and some of the things that happened back then. It turns out, though not surprisingly, that a lot of them are in bad shape, be it physically or with the law. My little part of the family seems to be one of only a few outliers in all of this mess with how we are ding compared to everyone ells... Looking back at all of the crap we have been through, we, and me especially, could have been a whole lot worse off.
…
I still think about her every now and then. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
5/19/16 8:02pm
Made it to Fort Hood, this whole place has really been built up in the years I have been gone. Its beautiful...and yet it depresses me. Even now I have to fight to keep back the tears.
I don't belong here. My little brother and sister do, but I don't.
I was supposed to be off on my own with the military and only come back every now and then to visit and tell some adventurous stories of my trips. I...I failed at the one thing that would have made me into something worthy of this place, the one thing that would have allowed me a chance to redeem my self and make up for all of my stupid and terrible mistakes. I'm just tagging along because I failed there, sucked in highschool and couldn't get any scholarships. I'm tagging along because I'm just a nobody stock boy at WalMart that would be fucked if I couldn't rely on my family for support. I'm only here because someone felt enough pity for me to let me.
If my father wasn't military none of these people would give a damn about me, I would just be another civilian on the street and wouldn't warrant so much as a second glance.
5/25/16 5:28am
Listening to: Goodbye To A World by Porter Robinson
The store here is bigger than my old one, and I miss it. I miss my old managers who knew what I was worth and where I was useful. I miss being in a familiar place where I know where everything is and was respected and cherished for that knowledge.
I hate having to learn everything over again, they do things so differently here.
We have a house, and the movers were here yesterday to drop everything off. I still haven't unpacked everything and now its so crowded in my room
5/27/16 9:42pm
I am continually reminded that as a white person, I am the minority here. Not being racist or anything, it was true in Georgia too I guess, it just wasn't in my face as much as it is here. Lot of Hispanics here in Texas, but I shouldn't really be surprised, the Mexican American border is less than 300 miles away at its closest.
5/31/16 2:49pm
As of almost a week ago I have been seeing a girl named Krista, we go out for our second date tomorrow actually. She is pretty cool, likes a lot of the same things I do and is one of the few people I have seen who can out match me as far as reading books goes.
I like her. Just have to not like her too much too fast, historically that's always been an issue but I believe I am getting better at it.
...
Apparently all of my relevant records (medical, birth certificate, diploma) got misplaced during the move. Step mother says they are around here somewhere in a box that hasn't been opened yet, which is easy for her to say because I out them exactly where she told me to (on top of her stuff) before the movers showed up, and I saw her take them to put somewhere els and now they are missing with her being the last to have them; something I'm sure she will deny later once the issue is pressed further and they still don't turn up.
...
Work here is less stressful than at my old store, the extra people in every area really helps out and makes everything easier.
...
Trying to make this MinGW C compiler work for the programming book today, but maybe I'm just doing it the wrong way.
Listening to: I took a pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
Sitting on this little bench by some trees on the side of a walkway by our hotel room. The family is getting ready for church, and with everyone being in a cramped space with one bathroom is causing the kind of chaos and easily ignitable tempers you would expect. I got tired of it, came out here to wait until they are all done and ready to go; its nice out here for now, the cool air is a little on the chilly side with a nice breeze just the way I like it, and I can hear children laughing in the background as they play in the playground at the park a few yards away.
5/18/2016
Listening to: Needle and Haystack Life by Switchfoot
The drive from Georgia to Texas was…uneventful. At my grandmothers house in Kilgore now, an old childhood home. Got here yesterday afternoon but we leave tomorrow. This place brings back memories, though most of them are about waiting for one thing or another. This house, these people, its all just another purgatory. I don’t belong here but I wont be long, just passing through.
I talked to my great grandmother who lives across the street, I asked about some of our extended family and how they are doing, talked about my childhood and some of the things that happened back then. It turns out, though not surprisingly, that a lot of them are in bad shape, be it physically or with the law. My little part of the family seems to be one of only a few outliers in all of this mess with how we are ding compared to everyone ells... Looking back at all of the crap we have been through, we, and me especially, could have been a whole lot worse off.
…
I still think about her every now and then. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
5/19/16 8:02pm
Made it to Fort Hood, this whole place has really been built up in the years I have been gone. Its beautiful...and yet it depresses me. Even now I have to fight to keep back the tears.
I don't belong here. My little brother and sister do, but I don't.
I was supposed to be off on my own with the military and only come back every now and then to visit and tell some adventurous stories of my trips. I...I failed at the one thing that would have made me into something worthy of this place, the one thing that would have allowed me a chance to redeem my self and make up for all of my stupid and terrible mistakes. I'm just tagging along because I failed there, sucked in highschool and couldn't get any scholarships. I'm tagging along because I'm just a nobody stock boy at WalMart that would be fucked if I couldn't rely on my family for support. I'm only here because someone felt enough pity for me to let me.
If my father wasn't military none of these people would give a damn about me, I would just be another civilian on the street and wouldn't warrant so much as a second glance.
5/25/16 5:28am
Listening to: Goodbye To A World by Porter Robinson
The store here is bigger than my old one, and I miss it. I miss my old managers who knew what I was worth and where I was useful. I miss being in a familiar place where I know where everything is and was respected and cherished for that knowledge.
I hate having to learn everything over again, they do things so differently here.
We have a house, and the movers were here yesterday to drop everything off. I still haven't unpacked everything and now its so crowded in my room
5/27/16 9:42pm
I am continually reminded that as a white person, I am the minority here. Not being racist or anything, it was true in Georgia too I guess, it just wasn't in my face as much as it is here. Lot of Hispanics here in Texas, but I shouldn't really be surprised, the Mexican American border is less than 300 miles away at its closest.
5/31/16 2:49pm
As of almost a week ago I have been seeing a girl named Krista, we go out for our second date tomorrow actually. She is pretty cool, likes a lot of the same things I do and is one of the few people I have seen who can out match me as far as reading books goes.
I like her. Just have to not like her too much too fast, historically that's always been an issue but I believe I am getting better at it.
...
Apparently all of my relevant records (medical, birth certificate, diploma) got misplaced during the move. Step mother says they are around here somewhere in a box that hasn't been opened yet, which is easy for her to say because I out them exactly where she told me to (on top of her stuff) before the movers showed up, and I saw her take them to put somewhere els and now they are missing with her being the last to have them; something I'm sure she will deny later once the issue is pressed further and they still don't turn up.
...
Work here is less stressful than at my old store, the extra people in every area really helps out and makes everything easier.
...
Trying to make this MinGW C compiler work for the programming book today, but maybe I'm just doing it the wrong way.
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