10/15/2015 9:34am
Listening to: Amnesia by 5 seconds of summer
I just took 2 tablets of Benadryl even though I had one an hour or two ago, should put me to sleep in about half an hour. I am sad. Figures the only thing within reach that could give me a moments respite would be some form of drugs. At least I don't have to feel this while asleep, this pain in my heart.
And you know what's even more stereotypical than listening to a sad song while being sad? It's listening to a sad song while being sad about a girl.
Naturally its a beautiful day outside.
It's always about a girl isn't it?
Rhetorical question, don't answer that.
We haven't spoken in months and today I finally brought myself to delete every picture of her I have. What's sucks is that my mind knows this whole process is stupid, but my heart feels like this is the end of the world.
Funny, the situation im in. I could honestly laugh a little about how crappy this is; but all I wish I could do is sleep for months at a time. Let this crazy world wiz by while I just lay here and dream. Who needs them, who needs her? Fuck em all and their cruel heart-torturing ways.
...
...
...
Oh god, who am I kidding? I miss her so much it hurts why does it hurt why can't these tablets work faster so I don't have to feel this!?
THE JOURNAL OF A RATHER DISILLUSIONED YOUNG MAN. UPDATES NORMALLY ON THE 1st OF THE MONTH.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
JE#3
10/14/2015 4:59am
I want to say that I am dejected and morose, but I can't even claim that because I know I am not truly depressed. I am...tired. More so than physically, I mean emotionally. Tired of living the way I do, tired of looking at all of my possible futures and seeing how I become a slave to so many things be it wage or otherwise. I'm tired of always waiting, of waking up everyday with nothing to do but work, sleep, or "hang out" around the house or the base or computers. Since I graduated from high school in May I have been in a degenerative state mentally. I didn't want to go to college because I jacked around when I was in school, so now even with all of the discounts and not including books or anything els, I would have to pay close to $1000 before I even took a math class that mattered. As was predicted by everyone, I though I knew better.
So now that the navy has fallen through I wait for the army recruiter to call me back on the status of my enlistment packet. Despite how much I want to get into the military I am pretty sure I wont be able to get into the army either. Thanks mom, all of those useless doctors visits and loading me up on pills because you didn't want to actually take the time to raise me really paid off. Now I'm on the road to being just as broken as you if all els fails. 8:26am Dad just left to go to Spain for a month to train. I knew he was leaving soon but didn't find out until just a few hours before he left.
I want to say that I am dejected and morose, but I can't even claim that because I know I am not truly depressed. I am...tired. More so than physically, I mean emotionally. Tired of living the way I do, tired of looking at all of my possible futures and seeing how I become a slave to so many things be it wage or otherwise. I'm tired of always waiting, of waking up everyday with nothing to do but work, sleep, or "hang out" around the house or the base or computers. Since I graduated from high school in May I have been in a degenerative state mentally. I didn't want to go to college because I jacked around when I was in school, so now even with all of the discounts and not including books or anything els, I would have to pay close to $1000 before I even took a math class that mattered. As was predicted by everyone, I though I knew better.
So now that the navy has fallen through I wait for the army recruiter to call me back on the status of my enlistment packet. Despite how much I want to get into the military I am pretty sure I wont be able to get into the army either. Thanks mom, all of those useless doctors visits and loading me up on pills because you didn't want to actually take the time to raise me really paid off. Now I'm on the road to being just as broken as you if all els fails. 8:26am Dad just left to go to Spain for a month to train. I knew he was leaving soon but didn't find out until just a few hours before he left.
JE#2
10/9/2015 8:24am
Listening to: Running with the devil by Van Halen
Crap, the sleeping bag doesn't fit in the 75l backpack I bought. Luckily its only been a little over two weeks since I received which means I have two weeks left to return it and get my money back. Once I have my refund I will have to get a bigger bag, a 100l at least I should think. Having to strap the compressed sleeping bag to anything smaller would be too much of a hassle that would only cause me more problems.
Listening to: Running with the devil by Van Halen
Crap, the sleeping bag doesn't fit in the 75l backpack I bought. Luckily its only been a little over two weeks since I received which means I have two weeks left to return it and get my money back. Once I have my refund I will have to get a bigger bag, a 100l at least I should think. Having to strap the compressed sleeping bag to anything smaller would be too much of a hassle that would only cause me more problems.
JE#1
10/8/2015 5:17am
Listening to: This Is War by Thirty Seconds to Mars
I can't stay here forever. Parents don't want me here for any longer than I have to be, and the same goes for me. I'm stagnant now, my whole world is standing still and all I can do is wait. That's what my whole life seems like its about at this point. Waiting, I mean.
I...I honestly don't know where to begin. Do I start with where things went wrong? Because if so then I would have to start at the beginning, all the way back to when I was born. Or maybe farther? It would be unfair of me to pinpoint that specific location in time and space and say, "this here is where it all started, and it was all down hill from this point onward." Unfair to me, unfair to the world. Maybe to really tell you about where and when it all got derailed I would have to go way back, all the way to the beginning, to the fall of Adam and eve. But there is a whole book detailing that and its fallout.
I think I will just say...that we live in an imperfect world full of imperfect people. I know that sounds trivial but if you would just take a minute to think about that statement and all of its implications. Could you understand the gravity of it all? Could you really? Because most days I can barely wrap my head around how far and wide it goes.
-An IMPERFECT world.-
-Full of IMPERFECT people.-
That's 196.9 million square miles of FLAWS.
As of right now that's 7,277,752,758 human beings with FLAWS.
And people wonder why I am a pessimist.
Some people would say that these things are meaningless. But look at the world we have created. Full of war and strife. We have simultaneous outbreaks of both Obesity and Starvation.
I think these things mean everything.
This is the world I live in though, a world that I am a byproduct of. Im not saying its any one persons fault, although some people could definitely be said to hold more blame than others.
Listening to: This Is War by Thirty Seconds to Mars
I can't stay here forever. Parents don't want me here for any longer than I have to be, and the same goes for me. I'm stagnant now, my whole world is standing still and all I can do is wait. That's what my whole life seems like its about at this point. Waiting, I mean.
I...I honestly don't know where to begin. Do I start with where things went wrong? Because if so then I would have to start at the beginning, all the way back to when I was born. Or maybe farther? It would be unfair of me to pinpoint that specific location in time and space and say, "this here is where it all started, and it was all down hill from this point onward." Unfair to me, unfair to the world. Maybe to really tell you about where and when it all got derailed I would have to go way back, all the way to the beginning, to the fall of Adam and eve. But there is a whole book detailing that and its fallout.
I think I will just say...that we live in an imperfect world full of imperfect people. I know that sounds trivial but if you would just take a minute to think about that statement and all of its implications. Could you understand the gravity of it all? Could you really? Because most days I can barely wrap my head around how far and wide it goes.
-An IMPERFECT world.-
-Full of IMPERFECT people.-
That's 196.9 million square miles of FLAWS.
As of right now that's 7,277,752,758 human beings with FLAWS.
And people wonder why I am a pessimist.
Some people would say that these things are meaningless. But look at the world we have created. Full of war and strife. We have simultaneous outbreaks of both Obesity and Starvation.
I think these things mean everything.
This is the world I live in though, a world that I am a byproduct of. Im not saying its any one persons fault, although some people could definitely be said to hold more blame than others.
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