Today dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday, even after I explained to him I was tired of getting into the conversations where I list off things I want but don't need and then get told how selfish and ungrateful I am for not appreciating all of the things I have. Its true, but I get tired of getting baited into the same trap. He kept asking, and eventually I said I don't know, and that I would buy my own birthday gifts, which mostly is just a Lumia 1520 and everything I need to make it work.
I have everything I ever wanted when I was a few years younger: some money, unlimited access to the internet, a computer of my own. But now that I have all of these things, I find that I am even less happy and less satisfied with my life.
3/17/2016 9:08am
Listening to: Guardian Angel by Abandon All Ships
Dad took me out to eat last night at the Pour House behind the plaza, it wasn’t near as awkward as I thought it would be and the food was great. He keeps telling me not to feel like a failure and that everyone has to start somewhere; he gave the usual story about how even he didn’t start out as a First Sergeant and that his first job was as a janitor.
We had a good time, though it would have been better if there wasn’t so much freaking pollen in the air.
I am a little apprehensive about getting older.
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
3/29/16 10:47am
Listening to: I'm an Albatraoz by AronChupa
…Okay, we are going to talk about this…
Damn…fuck…FUCK.
FUCK!
On more than a few occasions in earlier posts I have referred to a girl named Sarah.
Sarah Walker to be exact.
She probably wouldn’t like that I put her last name on here, but compared to what I am not going to put on here, I think she will get over it. Not that she reads any of this anyway, so she wouldn’t really know I guess. This is all just wailing in the night as far as any of you (collectively referring to all of the people who will never read this, which is pretty much everyone) are concerned.
Shit…it still hurts to think about it, her…any of it.
I would really like to not talk about this.
But I think if I don’t put it out there, out here, on here, in this sea of useless information that is the web and all of its contents, that if I don’t send this out there in the make shift "message in a bottle" that is this blog post…that it will eat me alive. It gives me little panic attacks every time I think about her, my heart starts to pound in my chest and I have to take several deep breaths to regain my composure.
-So here we go.
Sarah and I have been in a long distance relationship since December 8th, 2011, and it ended on March 18th, 2016 at around 2:30am. On the night of my 20th birthday, I got a message through Facebook asking if I knew her, and since I didn’t know she had a Facebook account I naturally followed the link to her profile.
Everything was as I expected it to be…until I noticed her relationship status was with someone els.
When I asked her about it, she blocked my phone number and told me that this was goodbye.
That blew my mind, and destroyed my world.
Eventually, she told me everything through google hangouts ( a site she led me to months ago so we could talk more often). Basically, around October of 2015 we went through a little over a month of her not speaking to me, and at the time I was ready to give her up thinking she had found someone els (which I now know to be true) and that I had accepted that.
I still don’t know why she couldn’t have told me then. That was her one chance to let all of this go down peacefully.
Instead she told me that everything was fine, and that she hadn't been seeing anyone els, that she still loved me and wanted to remain together. I didn’t know it then, but she was lying.
…There goes the sped up heart beat again.
---
---
---
---
---
---
So that right there, was the signal to an end to 4.27 years of my life that was wasted on her.
I don’t think I have really dealt with most of the heartache yet, ever since the initial impact and shock, I have mostly been able to avoid it by distracting my self either through work, school, video games, or sleep, and if I have too much time on my hands and I cant sleep or find my self thinking about her, I pop 5 25mg tablets of Benadryl and that sends knocks me out within the hour. Ever since this happened though, I cant sleep for near as long as I use to, I went from almost 12 hours easy to barely 7 or 8.
I still don’t know what I am really going to do with my life now. Before this happened, she and I had planned everything together and engineered our whole lives around each other.
We had plans, man. I was going to move up there to Indiana with her, we were going to get an apartment together, finally be together, and get married like we had always talked about. Shit was serious, and the only enemy was time; but for over 4 years it was us against the world as we both fought for so long to make this work, and we were less than half a year from everything coming together after so long.
And then this happened.
Now I don’t really have any plans, or at least, none that I am taking or thinking about seriously. Sure, there is the college and the classes I am taking right now for my associates degree, but at the rate that I am taking them (which is only 1 per semester, because that’s all I can afford on my own without taking out student loans and permanently putting my self into serious debt for the rest of my life) it will be a little over 10 years to finish my 2 year degree.
So yeah, that totally sounds reasonable.
Meanwhile, im stuck working a dead end job as a Walmart overnight stock boy, and even though me and the family are moving back home to Fort Hood, Texas, I don’t see many options to move forward in life, and every day I get a little bit older and that much more of my youth escapes me.
Maybe when I get there I can start hooking up with girls, find me some friendly female company; its not like I have anything holding me back from that now. Might as well live while I can.
I wont lie, deep down I still love her. But if she were to come back to me now after already choosing someone els...I cant say for certain what I would do. She cheated on me for at least 5 months, and lied to me every time we talked during that time. I...I don't hate her...At least, I don't think I do.
I'm just sad.
Really, really, really sad.
I know I will not feel like this forever, time heals all wounds.
Its just that everyday is a struggle now, and sometimes I fight just to survive the hour. I try really hard not to think about her and the new guy. I have seen what he looks like, Facebook being good for something after all. It gets to me though, the things they have probably done, the things they will do, the THINGS, man. He doesn't know about me so I cant blame him, I just hate knowing who my replacement is and cant fault him for that. I understand perfectly well that I could ruin her life by sending the screen shots of our more "interesting" conversations to all of her friends on Facebook, and I told her as much.
But in the end, that wouldn't make me happy, doing that wouldn't fill the hole in my chest and the void in my life she has left me with.
I told her that too.
My days are an emotional roller coaster now. I go from feeling okay to really sad to depressed as fuck and its such a drag.
So at this point, I don't really know what to do with my life.
3/31/16 8:30pm
Listening to Irresistible by Fall out Boy
I had a dream about her and it caused me to wake up over an hour before my alarm was set to wake me up for work. It wasn’t a bad dream…it was rather pleasant actually, though completely absurd in the way most dreams are. It was only after I woke up, when all of the memories came back to me, that it started to hurt.
No comments:
Post a Comment