JE#26

8/3/2016 2:05am



Sorry it took so long, just...not much going on. Again, I'm having to force my self to update this thing. Krista and I are still dating, and things are going nice on that front. We went to the pool last week and I am still shedding dead skin on my shoulders from that sunburn. I did get the financial aid and loans I needed to go to school and will be taking 3 classes: Intro to the internet, networking+, and programming logic and design. The last hurdle I have with that is to go to day shift, but the day shift manager is making the whole thing hard for me to the point in not sure if it will actually happen. If he doesn't give me the days off I need, or if he does but can't give me enough hours per week, then I will have to stay on nightshift with my manager who will give me those days off and just make it work somehow.

Oh, I don't know if I said anything about it but my phone screen cracked a few weeks ago when I dropped it. I ordered a new one online, but the tools they sent to take my old one off didn't fit (how unsurprising) and I had to order the t2 and t5 screwdrivers separately off of eBay. I have everything I need to fix it now: The screwdrivers, screen replacement, and heat gun to get the battery off. Now I just have to watch a few disassembly videos as I take it apart and hope I don't brick it in the process.

Anyway, I think I will start doing this on a monthly basis instead of biweekly now. Not enough interesting things happen biweekly for me to keep on with that, which is sad and shows just how fast my life is moving on without anything happening

JE#25

7/6/16 6:11am

Listening to The Feel Good Drag by Anberlin



It's been hard to force my self to do these journal entries lately, not much goes on, the last one was almost me saying "will update when something bad happens." Isn't it weird that I have no trouble doing these entries when things are going badly, but when things start to pick up and are great for awhile I have almost no interest in them. The 1st and 14th of the month seem like they are coming faster and faster these last 2 posts.
I guess I have no issue talking here when things suck, but when everything is running smoothly I would rather be out there living it than here talking about it.

Go figure.

Did I ever say I wrecked my car? I cant remember off the top of my head, but only the front light and side bumper are messed up; the light assembly replacement should be here either tomorrow or the day after, and I will fix the bumper with a drill and zip ties.

As for how things are going with Krista...they are great...which is a problem. I love how things are going, and I wish I could spend more time with her outside of our weekly dates...but she is leaving. I don't blame her for following her dreams and trying to go into the navy as an officer, if that's what makes her happy then how could I possibly be mad? By my calculations, if everything goes correctly she might be shipping off as soon as soon as January 2017, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened sooner. She wants to enjoy the time we have left together, and I do too but...after things ending so badly with Sarah only to find a perfect girl later who will only be here for a short time...it just sucks.
That would be my luck though.

I have thought about ending it, but in truth I don't want to. I know that as time goes on my feelings for her will only grow stronger and that will only make the separation all the more painful when it happens. Does that say something about me? That I am not strong enough to let go when I need to?
I don't know.

...
...
...

Tensions are a little high right now. My temporary tags expire the first of next month and the only way for me to get new ones is to pass a safety inspection...which I can't do until I replace my light and bumper in the next 2 days or so. I need to call my college and have them electronically send my transcripts to the college I am transferring to, and window of opportunity to do that is only getting smaller.

Haven't coded for a week or 2, got back into it a few hours ago to freshen up on it. Even if college works out the associates degree I would get wont land me a job on its own, i doubt i would have the experience for one either seeing as how this program only teaches 3 languages, one of which I will probably have to skip over for the other option of an programming internship at this company that the school offers. I think the fact that they offer that is pretty cool, and it will definitely help in regards to experience. So many languages to learn...its unreal.

On the 8th I go to the hospital for a physical and to schedule a bunch of other appointments to have some things taken off of my medical records. The recruiter says that I I can do that, then he can send it all the the army surgeon general, and if he signs off on it then I might have a fighting chance of getting I to the army. This is the last ditch effort as far as gettinginto military is concerned.

JE#24

6/30/16 12:32pm

Listening to: Have a Cigar by Pink Floyd



Things with Krista are going great, we went on our 6th date yesterday. Things could be worse at home, tensions are a little high going coming out of the summer semester of school going into fall. Had my first wreck a week or so ago, clipped the front end of a truck and messed up my passenger side light and bumper. In order for me to get my tags I have to take a safety inspection which I can't to until my replacement light gets here in a week or so. As for the bumper…im not willing to pay a few hundred dollars to have someone fix it, so a combination of super crazy glue, several drilled holes, and zip ties should take care of it. I didn’t buy the car for looks, so a cosmetic issue like that doesn’t really bother me.

I have an appointment July 8th so I can schedule some tests to say that I don’t have some things that were already done by civilian doctors but now have to be done by army doctors so I can send it to the recruiter. I don’t have high hopes for that, but at least its something.

Nothing bad has really happened lately, I love going on dates with Krista, and soon I will be going to day shift at work around the end of July, which will also make it easier to go to college full time. Im not too happy about going to cap team 2 and basically being an unloader, but it would serve to put me on a normal schedule, reconnect with my family (which may or may not be bad because it will mean more friction between me and everyone els), and more time to hang out with Krista.

Im trying to take it relatively slow with her, not making any unwanted advances. I won't lie, I certainly think about it from time to time, but I want to respect her, and my self for that matter. Im…happy with how things are at the moment…just hope she finds a job close by and doesn’t have to leave.

JE#23 MOVING ON

6/3/2016 2:55am

Listening to: Game Over by Falling in Reverse



Yesterday I stayed up an extra 3 hours to get my first car, a 2005 Kia with almost 88000 miles on it foe $4700 total. Its cool, though I can feel my legs vibrate when I get up into the 80mph range.
After watching a bunch of YouTube videos I finally managed to get the MinGW compiler to work, soon after I created, compiled, and executed my first "hello world" program.



6/12/16 10:43pm

Listening to Skrillex ft. Krewella -Breath (vocal edit)



A lot happened over the past 2 weeks regarding my ex. Started talking for a few days about everything that happened, was finally able to vent my frustrations. She is engaged to the new guy, but knows I could have ended her "happy ever after" before it ever really had a chance to take off. Her marriage, bearing his children, and her happily growing old with him...I could have crushed all of that, I held complete control over whether her future was bright and wonderful or dark and full of despair. We talked about that for a few days, what it would have meant and the obvious repercussions of it all if that's what I chose to do.

After talking about that for a few days...after I had her tell me all of her plans and long term goals ...I saw that she and the new guy both believed, really believed that after all of the terrible things that had happened to them through out their lives, that they had a decent chance to build something great together, to make a happy marriage that would last and lead a happy life.

Knowing that I was the only thing standing in their way, I was the one who actually decided if they would get the chance or not. I took a few minuets to think about her response where she laid everything out for me, her entire world she wanted to build without me...and it didn't make me angry like all of her other responses about him did.

I messaged her back and said:

"Have your happy ending then."

JE#22

5/15/2016 8:58am

Listening to: I took a pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner



Sitting on this little bench by some trees on the side of a walkway by our hotel room. The family is getting ready for church, and with everyone being in a cramped space with one bathroom is causing the kind of chaos and easily ignitable tempers you would expect. I got tired of it, came out here to wait until they are all done and ready to go; its nice out here for now, the cool air is a little on the chilly side with a nice breeze just the way I like it, and I can hear children laughing in the background as they play in the playground at the park a few yards away.



5/18/2016

Listening to: Needle and Haystack Life by Switchfoot



The drive from Georgia to Texas was…uneventful. At my grandmothers house in Kilgore now, an old childhood home. Got here yesterday afternoon but we leave tomorrow. This place brings back memories, though most of them are about waiting for one thing or another. This house, these people, its all just another purgatory. I don’t belong here but I wont be long, just passing through.

I talked to my great grandmother who lives across the street, I asked about some of our extended family and how they are doing, talked about my childhood and some of the things that happened back then. It turns out, though not surprisingly, that a lot of them are in bad shape, be it physically or with the law. My little part of the family seems to be one of only a few outliers in all of this mess with how we are ding compared to everyone ells... Looking back at all of the crap we have been through, we, and me especially, could have been a whole lot worse off.

…

I still think about her every now and then. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.



5/19/16 8:02pm



Made it to Fort Hood, this whole place has really been built up in the years I have been gone. Its beautiful...and yet it depresses me. Even now I have to fight to keep back the tears.
I don't belong here. My little brother and sister do, but I don't.
I was supposed to be off on my own with the military and only come back every now and then to visit and tell some adventurous stories of my trips. I...I failed at the one thing that would have made me into something worthy of this place, the one thing that would have allowed me a chance to redeem my self and make up for all of my stupid and terrible mistakes. I'm just tagging along because I failed there, sucked in highschool and couldn't get any scholarships. I'm tagging along because I'm just a nobody stock boy at WalMart that would be fucked if I couldn't rely on my family for support. I'm only here because someone felt enough pity for me to let me.

If my father wasn't military none of these people would give a damn about me, I would just be another civilian on the street and wouldn't warrant so much as a second glance.



5/25/16 5:28am

Listening to: Goodbye To A World by Porter Robinson



The store here is bigger than my old one, and I miss it. I miss my old managers who knew what I was worth and where I was useful. I miss being in a familiar place where I know where everything is and was respected and cherished for that knowledge.
I hate having to learn everything over again, they do things so differently here.

We have a house, and the movers were here yesterday to drop everything off. I still haven't unpacked everything and now its so crowded in my room



5/27/16 9:42pm



I am continually reminded that as a white person, I am the minority here. Not being racist or anything, it was true in Georgia too I guess, it just wasn't in my face as much as it is here. Lot of Hispanics here in Texas, but I shouldn't really be surprised, the Mexican American border is less than 300 miles away at its closest.



5/31/16 2:49pm



As of almost a week ago I have been seeing a girl named Krista, we go out for our second date tomorrow actually. She is pretty cool, likes a lot of the same things I do and is one of the few people I have seen who can out match me as far as reading books goes.

I like her. Just have to not like her too much too fast, historically that's always been an issue but I believe I am getting better at it.

...

Apparently all of my relevant records (medical, birth certificate, diploma) got misplaced during the move. Step mother says they are around here somewhere in a box that hasn't been opened yet, which is easy for her to say because I out them exactly where she told me to (on top of her stuff) before the movers showed up, and I saw her take them to put somewhere els and now they are missing with her being the last to have them; something I'm sure she will deny later once the issue is pressed further and they still don't turn up.

...

Work here is less stressful than at my old store, the extra people in every area really helps out and makes everything easier.

...

Trying to make this MinGW C compiler work for the programming book today, but maybe I'm just doing it the wrong way.

JE#21

5/7/16 4:35am

Listening to: Thy Unveiling by ICP



Yesterday I got my first compiler for C, Microsoft's Visual Studio 2015 community edition. I got it from this cool old guy I work with from the Philippines who use to code for 10 years. He let me use his instillation disk from a C++ book he bought last year but never really used. Now that I have the compiler I can start learning C in a practical way.
Funny how one of the main things that set me off on all of this computer stuff with vigor was the desire to fuck up HER digital life, but that wont be for a while now. The silent rage that induces is still with me, I keep it tucked deep inside for that time when I will really need it. And if for what ever reason I decide not to hack her, then at least on the plus side I have a few valuable skills.

The movers will be here next week, and all of the pictures in the house have been packed up already, leaving the walls of the house bare and feeling empty.



5/13/2016 9:11am

Listening to: The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls



The house is pretty much empty of all our stuff, and what is there has been boxed up by the movers. I have a bag with about a weeks worth of clothing, and another "technology bag" full of things like my laptop (god, I hope it doesn't break. I tried to pack it where it sits on top of all the heavy things instead of under them) my school psychology text book, my C coding book, tablet, PSP Vita, kindle, and various charging cables.

Yesterday was my last day working at this particular WalMart store 862, and I worked for 7 straight days in a row that last week to get a full 80 hour paycheck. On a similar note, today is the first day in 338 days I have been on a normal sleep schedule, yesterday I stayed up for a little over 23 hours to get back into sleeping at night and it sucked sooooooooooooooooooo much. I did get my transfer approved by my store manager but the store in Texas says they can't guarantee me a job until I actually get down there and talk to them, which sucks because that means there isa possibility that I will get there and all of there open slots are full meaning I wont have a job and will have to start looking for one. At this point we are just waiting on the movers to come and get the rest of the stuff so we can go to a hotel for two days before me and dad leave for Texas on the 16th.



9:01pm

Listening to: Lost Boy by Ruth B


After making a few matches on tinder I eventually came across one Deanna Holmes. We talked for a few weeks, and she's pretty cool. After that we exchanged numbers, she lives 63 miles away and is 4 years older than me, but its sad that its taken me all this time to find her...right as im about to move. We clicked pretty well and have no problem carrying on a conversation about anything and everything.

What a shame though, if things weren't the way they are I believe we could have really built something together.

Why are all of the best people either too far away or about to leave?


...

In this swanky military lodge hotel until the 16th. The room we all share is probably about 2 and a half times the size of my old one.

JE#20

4/21/2016 9:55pm

Listening to: I Took a Pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner



Last week one of the old ladies I work with, Mrs. Anastasia, quite after being here for over 14 years, said she just got tired of the bullshit. I don't blame her. It gets a little worse here every week, but I just have to endure it, though these seasonal allergies, sore throat, and runny nose are so not helping me.



4/26/15 9:44am



I'm at Ogeechee Technical college right now waiting to take my English final at 10am, I had to drive 40 something miles to get here...but its nice. I like the atmosphere, the buildings, the ornamental pond, the students and teachers, everything.

Its cool.

I'm in what I guess is some kind of common area full of chairs and, let me count them, 6 students around me. It feels so...strange. I do miss the school environment, but I feel so...i don't know. I know that after I finish this final I wont ever be coming back to this place, I wont ever see any of these people ever again, especially when I move on the 16th of May.
I feel sad about that.
I'm going to miss this place and these people I don't know.



4/27/16 1:30pm



Hello friend.

I'm sorry, just finished watching the entire first season of Mr Robot.
Not all on one sitting of course, but over the last week and a half.
Good show.
At least in my opinion, not that it matters.

Its pretty cramped in my closet, where I'm at right now.

Or it was, I am under the covers in my bed now. Parents were walking around the house, opening doors so I got out because it would be beyond awkward if they walked in and I wasn’t there and later had to explain why I wasn’t there.

So now I am here….
Doing nothing in particular.



1:44pm



I never do anything actually, not anything meaningful.
I could go on about that, but that's another pessimistic and depressing story.

I think about her sometimes, I try not to but every now and then, for what ever reason, she just pops into my mind.
Her and my replacement.
Can't fault him for that, he didn't know. I wonder if she will ever tell him.
How she chose him because I was way less convenient. Maybe she finally got fed up with me not ever being able to do anything that mattered too.

...

I have thought about getting in contact with him, it wouldn't be that hard. Sure, he didn't ever respond to me on facebook messenger, probably never actually read what I sent him in my first few days of heart ache, but there are ways around that.
It would only take a little social engineering.
I know where he lives, where he works, and a good idea of his schedule. It would only take a phone call, maybe 2, to his store to over there, give the manager there some BS story to go and get him on the phone. After that it would only take a few seconds to tell him everything, and whether or not he chose to believe I would be assured that he knew, that at least he heard.

I have thought about it several times, and reached for the phone a few more, but something always stops me.

I don't know what it is.

Is it because I don't want to ruin her? How does that make sense, while my intention is not explicitly to hurt her by doing this I do believe that the fallout would be of her own doing.

Is it because I don't think it would be fair for her or him? Since when does she care about fairness, and why should I? Will it be fair to him? I think he should know, I would want to know if I was him.

But I am not him. She wants nothing to do with me, but she loves him.

Every now and then I do a little bit of facebook stalking, but to be fair I think everyone really should have their profile set to private. I look through his posts, and its just so damn frustrating/heartbreaking/rage inducing. The other day he posted about things he is looking forward to, and 2 of them were marriage and kids.
I'm not stupid, I know they are having sex, and knowing her I can picture everything and its just so fucking terrible to think about. To know that she threw me away like I was a piece of trash after everything we went through, and to know she is looking forward to having his baby just as much if not more so than he is.

That just....words fail to convey the feeling that brings me.

And I want to lash out, and I could, so someone tell me why am I just sitting back here not doing a goddamn thing and letting it happen?!

...

I think...i think its because, deep down inside I know and understand that she isn't mine to love anymore. I mean I know that already but...maybe I haven't done anything because its not my place to interfere.

...

Went an hour away to my college for the first time yesterday to take a final because they wouldn't let me take it off site. It was pretty cool being at college, kind of swanky. I liked it. Kind of sad though, because once I move I will never be able to go there again.