9/2/16 10:23pm
About an hour ago I made a terrible, morally wrong choice, and it cost me $100.
9/5/16 10:28pm
I do a lot of my best thinking when I have had 3 or more cups of coffee. It normally only lasts for under half an hour, after that my mind slows down again and I just have an elevated heart rate. I feel so much more alive on coffee, so full of artificial energy, my thoughts as well as my body moved faster…end then it ends and its back to boring useless old me. Coffee is great, not only for the caffeine but for the taste too; at least I think so. I have met some people who say that they not only don’t like coffee but that they hate it too.
I don’t understand them.
Is it weird that almost everytime I try to write one of these entries I have to stop my self from saying "not much has happened",? How boring is that.
How boring I am.
I am boring.
I wont try to deny it.
I work, I go to school, and generally try to spend the least amount of money possible, although I certainly don’t lack for wants. I want a lot of things. There are some things I REALLY want. But I don’t buy them because it would put me in a financial bond.
I have a lot of random thoughts. I don’t put most of them down here because they would be seen as totally random and unrelated…but my mind wanders and I don’t have much motivation to stop it.
Over simplification, over clarification; I try to avoid these things.
Most days I try to focus on the task at hand and not think about my self. Failing to do so usually leads to me thinking about…me, my past, my present, my possible futures…and its all very…disconcerting, if not downright depressing.
I remember the things I have done…
…
Im not depressed, mind you, Im just sad sometimes. Is it unusual that every time I think of my self saying im not depressed I immediately imagine some doctor saying "of course your not" as they write me a prescription for anti depressants or other mold stabilizers, and the thought tools me with anger because I HATE any medication like that.
I don’t think its unusual, not if you consider my background.
You know, I once had this guy I worked with on the nightshift comment that I always seemed so jovial because I was always smiling and cracking jokes and making people laugh. He said I always looked so happy.
I looked him dead in the eye with a straight face and said to him, "Im not happy, im incredibly sad." He looked confused, so I continued, "you don’t know me, what you see is a face, a mask I put on for the rest of the world because THAT is what you want to see."
10/4/16 8:19pm
Listening to All Time Low by Jon Bellion
Well this update certainly took 3 days longer than it was supposed to.
(precedes to not give any explanation for the late update)
For starters, made another $100 mistake a week or so ago, wasn’t too upset about it other than having to give up the money, this one being much better than the last one, but that’s a morality problem. Cant keep doing that because it’s a significant unnecessary drain on my financial resources, im risking my physical health every time I do (cant be lucky everytime) and theirs is the ever present danger of running into law enforcement.
Going to have to learn to live without it, which will be hard but not unmanageable. Hell, every other guy seems to live without it just fine.
Grades are good, I have in A in 2 of my classes and nothing in the other one because she apparently hasn’t felt the need to put anything into the grade book, but its what ever. Im confident im passing it though that sure as hell isn't based on my knowledge of the material.
Time management is the key to getting almost everything done correctly and on time, something that also happens to be the hardest to do. Curse those nights staying up until 11:30pm watching YouTube instead of going to bed on time!
Sleep is soooooooo something I need more of, me and every other working person.
Work is going well, no trials I haven't been able to handle thus far but I do need to watch my self and keep everything in line. My amount of scheduled hours over the past few weeks hasn't been the greatest, but im getting buy, still able to pay what few bills I have with at least $100 to put into savings. It should get better as the holidays pick up and there are more hours available.
A belt in my car engine will have to be replaced fairly soon, over the next couple of days for sure so says jiffy lube. I don’t know, im worried about it but dad says to take it to a real mechanic to have them look it over just to be sure. I don’t know near as much about my vehicle as I would like to, but I don’t have the money or time to get familiar with the parts and tools I would need to check it my self.
I got a cheap small 32 inch tv from a pawn shop to use as a display for my laptop, its great so far and I like it. Need to get a chair and a controller to go with it so I can sit at the desk and do everything comfortably, everything costs money though.
Side note, there was this lady that came into my store and started chatting me up, told me about this company she works for that needs team leaders in this area and blah blah blah blah. Researched her organization a few hours ago after she called me and it’s the usual pyramid scam. I kind of felt bad for telling her what I found and that I would be blocking her number. She seemed like such a nice old Mexican lady, but the overwhelming evidence against her organization was…well, overwhelming.
Meh, things are going smoothly so far, a few little bumps along the way but that’s par for the course.
THE JOURNAL OF A RATHER DISILLUSIONED YOUNG MAN. UPDATES NORMALLY ON THE 1st OF THE MONTH.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
JE#27
8/11/16 9:46pm
Tonight is going to suck more than usual, not just because I got about 2 hours of sleep but because these bruised muscles HURT.
That "fall" really was surprising.
I say "fall" because I would never tell anyone how I really got them. If I can make it through tonight I should be okay. The arms, especially my wrists are my main concern, over my legs which I thought would be worse but are now relatively okay.
8/17/16 12:27pm
Listening to Crossroad by Au5
Things are healing nicely, I barely feel any discomfort on the left forearm and my right wrist is okay as long as I don’t move it too wildly though I think the bone is more bruised than the muscle.
Still feeling like all im doing is existing….
Thursday is my last day on the night shift, then I have Friday off, then I start Saturday as a day shift stocker, my over night manager was really helpful about it.
Side note: I think when I grow old, if the whole getting a sail boat and traveling the world doesn’t work out…I will just get a backpack full of supplies, step on an unfamiliar road one day facing the sun set and just start walking. I don’t want to retire somewhere and just wait until my savings run out and die.
8/21/16 8:54am
Day shift is different. Im still basically stocking but over all it’s a lot less work than being over night, granted today will only be my second day so I cant speak with experience. Its still frustrating having to relearn how to do things, even more so now that I cant safely play my music while I work which has what made this job mentally bearable up until now. School starts tomorrow, but either today or tomorrow I will go over there before class to recon the area just so I can know where I am going before hand.
I don’t know really. This is all a lot different from what I am use to; maybe it will be better than before?
8/23/16 8:59pm
What do you think would be worse: Never doing something that’s as good as your capable of, or performing at your very best knowing you wont ever be able to do better?
Just a thought.
… … … …okay, not just a thought, more like a while train of thought, but that’s besides the point.
College is…certainly going to be stressful? I haven't even been to all of my classes yet and I can already tell its going to be a struggle with the amount of reading required alone. Officially I am already in the hole financially speaking, before I was able to pay off all of my credit card debt if I wanted to, but now with the onset of these student loans im in the negative and am projected to be about 8-9k in the red once I finish this degree, if I finish this degree. Terrible way of looking at things, I know, but I don’t exactly have a history of optimism.
I have been thinking more about what I want to do in life. I want to have some kind of meaning, some kind of purpose, but I don’t want to be just another slave, another cog in the societal/economic/corporate machine. I want to be…happy? What would make me happy? Immediate thoughts on the subject mostly just point to what is essentially escapism in one form or another. Most days I am hard pressed to find any position in todays modern society that would give me happiness, satisfaction, or just being able to be content with my life. It would seem that the only way to escape would be to just drop everything and flee into the wilderness on some kind of personal journey to find my self or something along those lines. The keyword that makes that whole plan fall apart though is "escape."
I don’t want to be in a situation where I would want to escape, because if I am then I cant find happiness there.
I know that all sounds messed up.
On the opposite side, im afraid of taking too long to discover my purpose in life for whatever I was put on earth to do. What if I don’t figure it out until im old and grey and crippled with old age? What if I never figure it out and live my whole life with indecision? What a waste that would be.
I don’t want to be a waste.
I don’t want to be a failure.
8/30/16 11:17pm
Well, my month supply of soylent is all gone, its going to be great to get back to real food again. I believe I have become a little better not only by how much I spend, but what I am spending it on. Im just trying to be more healthy.
Tonight is going to suck more than usual, not just because I got about 2 hours of sleep but because these bruised muscles HURT.
That "fall" really was surprising.
I say "fall" because I would never tell anyone how I really got them. If I can make it through tonight I should be okay. The arms, especially my wrists are my main concern, over my legs which I thought would be worse but are now relatively okay.
8/17/16 12:27pm
Listening to Crossroad by Au5
Things are healing nicely, I barely feel any discomfort on the left forearm and my right wrist is okay as long as I don’t move it too wildly though I think the bone is more bruised than the muscle.
Still feeling like all im doing is existing….
Thursday is my last day on the night shift, then I have Friday off, then I start Saturday as a day shift stocker, my over night manager was really helpful about it.
Side note: I think when I grow old, if the whole getting a sail boat and traveling the world doesn’t work out…I will just get a backpack full of supplies, step on an unfamiliar road one day facing the sun set and just start walking. I don’t want to retire somewhere and just wait until my savings run out and die.
8/21/16 8:54am
Day shift is different. Im still basically stocking but over all it’s a lot less work than being over night, granted today will only be my second day so I cant speak with experience. Its still frustrating having to relearn how to do things, even more so now that I cant safely play my music while I work which has what made this job mentally bearable up until now. School starts tomorrow, but either today or tomorrow I will go over there before class to recon the area just so I can know where I am going before hand.
I don’t know really. This is all a lot different from what I am use to; maybe it will be better than before?
8/23/16 8:59pm
What do you think would be worse: Never doing something that’s as good as your capable of, or performing at your very best knowing you wont ever be able to do better?
Just a thought.
… … … …okay, not just a thought, more like a while train of thought, but that’s besides the point.
College is…certainly going to be stressful? I haven't even been to all of my classes yet and I can already tell its going to be a struggle with the amount of reading required alone. Officially I am already in the hole financially speaking, before I was able to pay off all of my credit card debt if I wanted to, but now with the onset of these student loans im in the negative and am projected to be about 8-9k in the red once I finish this degree, if I finish this degree. Terrible way of looking at things, I know, but I don’t exactly have a history of optimism.
I have been thinking more about what I want to do in life. I want to have some kind of meaning, some kind of purpose, but I don’t want to be just another slave, another cog in the societal/economic/corporate machine. I want to be…happy? What would make me happy? Immediate thoughts on the subject mostly just point to what is essentially escapism in one form or another. Most days I am hard pressed to find any position in todays modern society that would give me happiness, satisfaction, or just being able to be content with my life. It would seem that the only way to escape would be to just drop everything and flee into the wilderness on some kind of personal journey to find my self or something along those lines. The keyword that makes that whole plan fall apart though is "escape."
I don’t want to be in a situation where I would want to escape, because if I am then I cant find happiness there.
I know that all sounds messed up.
On the opposite side, im afraid of taking too long to discover my purpose in life for whatever I was put on earth to do. What if I don’t figure it out until im old and grey and crippled with old age? What if I never figure it out and live my whole life with indecision? What a waste that would be.
I don’t want to be a waste.
I don’t want to be a failure.
8/30/16 11:17pm
Well, my month supply of soylent is all gone, its going to be great to get back to real food again. I believe I have become a little better not only by how much I spend, but what I am spending it on. Im just trying to be more healthy.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
JE#26
8/3/2016 2:05am
Sorry it took so long, just...not much going on. Again, I'm having to force my self to update this thing. Krista and I are still dating, and things are going nice on that front. We went to the pool last week and I am still shedding dead skin on my shoulders from that sunburn. I did get the financial aid and loans I needed to go to school and will be taking 3 classes: Intro to the internet, networking+, and programming logic and design. The last hurdle I have with that is to go to day shift, but the day shift manager is making the whole thing hard for me to the point in not sure if it will actually happen. If he doesn't give me the days off I need, or if he does but can't give me enough hours per week, then I will have to stay on nightshift with my manager who will give me those days off and just make it work somehow.
Oh, I don't know if I said anything about it but my phone screen cracked a few weeks ago when I dropped it. I ordered a new one online, but the tools they sent to take my old one off didn't fit (how unsurprising) and I had to order the t2 and t5 screwdrivers separately off of eBay. I have everything I need to fix it now: The screwdrivers, screen replacement, and heat gun to get the battery off. Now I just have to watch a few disassembly videos as I take it apart and hope I don't brick it in the process.
Anyway, I think I will start doing this on a monthly basis instead of biweekly now. Not enough interesting things happen biweekly for me to keep on with that, which is sad and shows just how fast my life is moving on without anything happening
Sorry it took so long, just...not much going on. Again, I'm having to force my self to update this thing. Krista and I are still dating, and things are going nice on that front. We went to the pool last week and I am still shedding dead skin on my shoulders from that sunburn. I did get the financial aid and loans I needed to go to school and will be taking 3 classes: Intro to the internet, networking+, and programming logic and design. The last hurdle I have with that is to go to day shift, but the day shift manager is making the whole thing hard for me to the point in not sure if it will actually happen. If he doesn't give me the days off I need, or if he does but can't give me enough hours per week, then I will have to stay on nightshift with my manager who will give me those days off and just make it work somehow.
Oh, I don't know if I said anything about it but my phone screen cracked a few weeks ago when I dropped it. I ordered a new one online, but the tools they sent to take my old one off didn't fit (how unsurprising) and I had to order the t2 and t5 screwdrivers separately off of eBay. I have everything I need to fix it now: The screwdrivers, screen replacement, and heat gun to get the battery off. Now I just have to watch a few disassembly videos as I take it apart and hope I don't brick it in the process.
Anyway, I think I will start doing this on a monthly basis instead of biweekly now. Not enough interesting things happen biweekly for me to keep on with that, which is sad and shows just how fast my life is moving on without anything happening
Thursday, July 14, 2016
JE#25
7/6/16 6:11am
Listening to The Feel Good Drag by Anberlin
It's been hard to force my self to do these journal entries lately, not much goes on, the last one was almost me saying "will update when something bad happens." Isn't it weird that I have no trouble doing these entries when things are going badly, but when things start to pick up and are great for awhile I have almost no interest in them. The 1st and 14th of the month seem like they are coming faster and faster these last 2 posts.
I guess I have no issue talking here when things suck, but when everything is running smoothly I would rather be out there living it than here talking about it.
Go figure.
Did I ever say I wrecked my car? I cant remember off the top of my head, but only the front light and side bumper are messed up; the light assembly replacement should be here either tomorrow or the day after, and I will fix the bumper with a drill and zip ties.
As for how things are going with Krista...they are great...which is a problem. I love how things are going, and I wish I could spend more time with her outside of our weekly dates...but she is leaving. I don't blame her for following her dreams and trying to go into the navy as an officer, if that's what makes her happy then how could I possibly be mad? By my calculations, if everything goes correctly she might be shipping off as soon as soon as January 2017, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened sooner. She wants to enjoy the time we have left together, and I do too but...after things ending so badly with Sarah only to find a perfect girl later who will only be here for a short time...it just sucks.
That would be my luck though.
I have thought about ending it, but in truth I don't want to. I know that as time goes on my feelings for her will only grow stronger and that will only make the separation all the more painful when it happens. Does that say something about me? That I am not strong enough to let go when I need to?
I don't know.
...
...
...
Tensions are a little high right now. My temporary tags expire the first of next month and the only way for me to get new ones is to pass a safety inspection...which I can't do until I replace my light and bumper in the next 2 days or so. I need to call my college and have them electronically send my transcripts to the college I am transferring to, and window of opportunity to do that is only getting smaller.
Haven't coded for a week or 2, got back into it a few hours ago to freshen up on it. Even if college works out the associates degree I would get wont land me a job on its own, i doubt i would have the experience for one either seeing as how this program only teaches 3 languages, one of which I will probably have to skip over for the other option of an programming internship at this company that the school offers. I think the fact that they offer that is pretty cool, and it will definitely help in regards to experience. So many languages to learn...its unreal.
On the 8th I go to the hospital for a physical and to schedule a bunch of other appointments to have some things taken off of my medical records. The recruiter says that I I can do that, then he can send it all the the army surgeon general, and if he signs off on it then I might have a fighting chance of getting I to the army. This is the last ditch effort as far as gettinginto military is concerned.
Listening to The Feel Good Drag by Anberlin
It's been hard to force my self to do these journal entries lately, not much goes on, the last one was almost me saying "will update when something bad happens." Isn't it weird that I have no trouble doing these entries when things are going badly, but when things start to pick up and are great for awhile I have almost no interest in them. The 1st and 14th of the month seem like they are coming faster and faster these last 2 posts.
I guess I have no issue talking here when things suck, but when everything is running smoothly I would rather be out there living it than here talking about it.
Go figure.
Did I ever say I wrecked my car? I cant remember off the top of my head, but only the front light and side bumper are messed up; the light assembly replacement should be here either tomorrow or the day after, and I will fix the bumper with a drill and zip ties.
As for how things are going with Krista...they are great...which is a problem. I love how things are going, and I wish I could spend more time with her outside of our weekly dates...but she is leaving. I don't blame her for following her dreams and trying to go into the navy as an officer, if that's what makes her happy then how could I possibly be mad? By my calculations, if everything goes correctly she might be shipping off as soon as soon as January 2017, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened sooner. She wants to enjoy the time we have left together, and I do too but...after things ending so badly with Sarah only to find a perfect girl later who will only be here for a short time...it just sucks.
That would be my luck though.
I have thought about ending it, but in truth I don't want to. I know that as time goes on my feelings for her will only grow stronger and that will only make the separation all the more painful when it happens. Does that say something about me? That I am not strong enough to let go when I need to?
I don't know.
...
...
...
Tensions are a little high right now. My temporary tags expire the first of next month and the only way for me to get new ones is to pass a safety inspection...which I can't do until I replace my light and bumper in the next 2 days or so. I need to call my college and have them electronically send my transcripts to the college I am transferring to, and window of opportunity to do that is only getting smaller.
Haven't coded for a week or 2, got back into it a few hours ago to freshen up on it. Even if college works out the associates degree I would get wont land me a job on its own, i doubt i would have the experience for one either seeing as how this program only teaches 3 languages, one of which I will probably have to skip over for the other option of an programming internship at this company that the school offers. I think the fact that they offer that is pretty cool, and it will definitely help in regards to experience. So many languages to learn...its unreal.
On the 8th I go to the hospital for a physical and to schedule a bunch of other appointments to have some things taken off of my medical records. The recruiter says that I I can do that, then he can send it all the the army surgeon general, and if he signs off on it then I might have a fighting chance of getting I to the army. This is the last ditch effort as far as gettinginto military is concerned.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
JE#24
6/30/16 12:32pm
Listening to: Have a Cigar by Pink Floyd
Things with Krista are going great, we went on our 6th date yesterday. Things could be worse at home, tensions are a little high going coming out of the summer semester of school going into fall. Had my first wreck a week or so ago, clipped the front end of a truck and messed up my passenger side light and bumper. In order for me to get my tags I have to take a safety inspection which I can't to until my replacement light gets here in a week or so. As for the bumper…im not willing to pay a few hundred dollars to have someone fix it, so a combination of super crazy glue, several drilled holes, and zip ties should take care of it. I didn’t buy the car for looks, so a cosmetic issue like that doesn’t really bother me.
I have an appointment July 8th so I can schedule some tests to say that I don’t have some things that were already done by civilian doctors but now have to be done by army doctors so I can send it to the recruiter. I don’t have high hopes for that, but at least its something.
Nothing bad has really happened lately, I love going on dates with Krista, and soon I will be going to day shift at work around the end of July, which will also make it easier to go to college full time. Im not too happy about going to cap team 2 and basically being an unloader, but it would serve to put me on a normal schedule, reconnect with my family (which may or may not be bad because it will mean more friction between me and everyone els), and more time to hang out with Krista.
Im trying to take it relatively slow with her, not making any unwanted advances. I won't lie, I certainly think about it from time to time, but I want to respect her, and my self for that matter. Im…happy with how things are at the moment…just hope she finds a job close by and doesn’t have to leave.
Listening to: Have a Cigar by Pink Floyd
Things with Krista are going great, we went on our 6th date yesterday. Things could be worse at home, tensions are a little high going coming out of the summer semester of school going into fall. Had my first wreck a week or so ago, clipped the front end of a truck and messed up my passenger side light and bumper. In order for me to get my tags I have to take a safety inspection which I can't to until my replacement light gets here in a week or so. As for the bumper…im not willing to pay a few hundred dollars to have someone fix it, so a combination of super crazy glue, several drilled holes, and zip ties should take care of it. I didn’t buy the car for looks, so a cosmetic issue like that doesn’t really bother me.
I have an appointment July 8th so I can schedule some tests to say that I don’t have some things that were already done by civilian doctors but now have to be done by army doctors so I can send it to the recruiter. I don’t have high hopes for that, but at least its something.
Nothing bad has really happened lately, I love going on dates with Krista, and soon I will be going to day shift at work around the end of July, which will also make it easier to go to college full time. Im not too happy about going to cap team 2 and basically being an unloader, but it would serve to put me on a normal schedule, reconnect with my family (which may or may not be bad because it will mean more friction between me and everyone els), and more time to hang out with Krista.
Im trying to take it relatively slow with her, not making any unwanted advances. I won't lie, I certainly think about it from time to time, but I want to respect her, and my self for that matter. Im…happy with how things are at the moment…just hope she finds a job close by and doesn’t have to leave.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
JE#23 MOVING ON
6/3/2016 2:55am
Listening to: Game Over by Falling in Reverse
Yesterday I stayed up an extra 3 hours to get my first car, a 2005 Kia with almost 88000 miles on it foe $4700 total. Its cool, though I can feel my legs vibrate when I get up into the 80mph range.
After watching a bunch of YouTube videos I finally managed to get the MinGW compiler to work, soon after I created, compiled, and executed my first "hello world" program.
6/12/16 10:43pm
Listening to Skrillex ft. Krewella -Breath (vocal edit)
A lot happened over the past 2 weeks regarding my ex. Started talking for a few days about everything that happened, was finally able to vent my frustrations. She is engaged to the new guy, but knows I could have ended her "happy ever after" before it ever really had a chance to take off. Her marriage, bearing his children, and her happily growing old with him...I could have crushed all of that, I held complete control over whether her future was bright and wonderful or dark and full of despair. We talked about that for a few days, what it would have meant and the obvious repercussions of it all if that's what I chose to do.
After talking about that for a few days...after I had her tell me all of her plans and long term goals ...I saw that she and the new guy both believed, really believed that after all of the terrible things that had happened to them through out their lives, that they had a decent chance to build something great together, to make a happy marriage that would last and lead a happy life.
Knowing that I was the only thing standing in their way, I was the one who actually decided if they would get the chance or not. I took a few minuets to think about her response where she laid everything out for me, her entire world she wanted to build without me...and it didn't make me angry like all of her other responses about him did.
I messaged her back and said:
"Have your happy ending then."
Listening to: Game Over by Falling in Reverse
Yesterday I stayed up an extra 3 hours to get my first car, a 2005 Kia with almost 88000 miles on it foe $4700 total. Its cool, though I can feel my legs vibrate when I get up into the 80mph range.
After watching a bunch of YouTube videos I finally managed to get the MinGW compiler to work, soon after I created, compiled, and executed my first "hello world" program.
6/12/16 10:43pm
Listening to Skrillex ft. Krewella -Breath (vocal edit)
A lot happened over the past 2 weeks regarding my ex. Started talking for a few days about everything that happened, was finally able to vent my frustrations. She is engaged to the new guy, but knows I could have ended her "happy ever after" before it ever really had a chance to take off. Her marriage, bearing his children, and her happily growing old with him...I could have crushed all of that, I held complete control over whether her future was bright and wonderful or dark and full of despair. We talked about that for a few days, what it would have meant and the obvious repercussions of it all if that's what I chose to do.
After talking about that for a few days...after I had her tell me all of her plans and long term goals ...I saw that she and the new guy both believed, really believed that after all of the terrible things that had happened to them through out their lives, that they had a decent chance to build something great together, to make a happy marriage that would last and lead a happy life.
Knowing that I was the only thing standing in their way, I was the one who actually decided if they would get the chance or not. I took a few minuets to think about her response where she laid everything out for me, her entire world she wanted to build without me...and it didn't make me angry like all of her other responses about him did.
I messaged her back and said:
"Have your happy ending then."
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
JE#22
5/15/2016 8:58am
Listening to: I took a pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
Sitting on this little bench by some trees on the side of a walkway by our hotel room. The family is getting ready for church, and with everyone being in a cramped space with one bathroom is causing the kind of chaos and easily ignitable tempers you would expect. I got tired of it, came out here to wait until they are all done and ready to go; its nice out here for now, the cool air is a little on the chilly side with a nice breeze just the way I like it, and I can hear children laughing in the background as they play in the playground at the park a few yards away.
5/18/2016
Listening to: Needle and Haystack Life by Switchfoot
The drive from Georgia to Texas was…uneventful. At my grandmothers house in Kilgore now, an old childhood home. Got here yesterday afternoon but we leave tomorrow. This place brings back memories, though most of them are about waiting for one thing or another. This house, these people, its all just another purgatory. I don’t belong here but I wont be long, just passing through.
I talked to my great grandmother who lives across the street, I asked about some of our extended family and how they are doing, talked about my childhood and some of the things that happened back then. It turns out, though not surprisingly, that a lot of them are in bad shape, be it physically or with the law. My little part of the family seems to be one of only a few outliers in all of this mess with how we are ding compared to everyone ells... Looking back at all of the crap we have been through, we, and me especially, could have been a whole lot worse off.
…
I still think about her every now and then. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
5/19/16 8:02pm
Made it to Fort Hood, this whole place has really been built up in the years I have been gone. Its beautiful...and yet it depresses me. Even now I have to fight to keep back the tears.
I don't belong here. My little brother and sister do, but I don't.
I was supposed to be off on my own with the military and only come back every now and then to visit and tell some adventurous stories of my trips. I...I failed at the one thing that would have made me into something worthy of this place, the one thing that would have allowed me a chance to redeem my self and make up for all of my stupid and terrible mistakes. I'm just tagging along because I failed there, sucked in highschool and couldn't get any scholarships. I'm tagging along because I'm just a nobody stock boy at WalMart that would be fucked if I couldn't rely on my family for support. I'm only here because someone felt enough pity for me to let me.
If my father wasn't military none of these people would give a damn about me, I would just be another civilian on the street and wouldn't warrant so much as a second glance.
5/25/16 5:28am
Listening to: Goodbye To A World by Porter Robinson
The store here is bigger than my old one, and I miss it. I miss my old managers who knew what I was worth and where I was useful. I miss being in a familiar place where I know where everything is and was respected and cherished for that knowledge.
I hate having to learn everything over again, they do things so differently here.
We have a house, and the movers were here yesterday to drop everything off. I still haven't unpacked everything and now its so crowded in my room
5/27/16 9:42pm
I am continually reminded that as a white person, I am the minority here. Not being racist or anything, it was true in Georgia too I guess, it just wasn't in my face as much as it is here. Lot of Hispanics here in Texas, but I shouldn't really be surprised, the Mexican American border is less than 300 miles away at its closest.
5/31/16 2:49pm
As of almost a week ago I have been seeing a girl named Krista, we go out for our second date tomorrow actually. She is pretty cool, likes a lot of the same things I do and is one of the few people I have seen who can out match me as far as reading books goes.
I like her. Just have to not like her too much too fast, historically that's always been an issue but I believe I am getting better at it.
...
Apparently all of my relevant records (medical, birth certificate, diploma) got misplaced during the move. Step mother says they are around here somewhere in a box that hasn't been opened yet, which is easy for her to say because I out them exactly where she told me to (on top of her stuff) before the movers showed up, and I saw her take them to put somewhere els and now they are missing with her being the last to have them; something I'm sure she will deny later once the issue is pressed further and they still don't turn up.
...
Work here is less stressful than at my old store, the extra people in every area really helps out and makes everything easier.
...
Trying to make this MinGW C compiler work for the programming book today, but maybe I'm just doing it the wrong way.
Listening to: I took a pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
Sitting on this little bench by some trees on the side of a walkway by our hotel room. The family is getting ready for church, and with everyone being in a cramped space with one bathroom is causing the kind of chaos and easily ignitable tempers you would expect. I got tired of it, came out here to wait until they are all done and ready to go; its nice out here for now, the cool air is a little on the chilly side with a nice breeze just the way I like it, and I can hear children laughing in the background as they play in the playground at the park a few yards away.
5/18/2016
Listening to: Needle and Haystack Life by Switchfoot
The drive from Georgia to Texas was…uneventful. At my grandmothers house in Kilgore now, an old childhood home. Got here yesterday afternoon but we leave tomorrow. This place brings back memories, though most of them are about waiting for one thing or another. This house, these people, its all just another purgatory. I don’t belong here but I wont be long, just passing through.
I talked to my great grandmother who lives across the street, I asked about some of our extended family and how they are doing, talked about my childhood and some of the things that happened back then. It turns out, though not surprisingly, that a lot of them are in bad shape, be it physically or with the law. My little part of the family seems to be one of only a few outliers in all of this mess with how we are ding compared to everyone ells... Looking back at all of the crap we have been through, we, and me especially, could have been a whole lot worse off.
…
I still think about her every now and then. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
5/19/16 8:02pm
Made it to Fort Hood, this whole place has really been built up in the years I have been gone. Its beautiful...and yet it depresses me. Even now I have to fight to keep back the tears.
I don't belong here. My little brother and sister do, but I don't.
I was supposed to be off on my own with the military and only come back every now and then to visit and tell some adventurous stories of my trips. I...I failed at the one thing that would have made me into something worthy of this place, the one thing that would have allowed me a chance to redeem my self and make up for all of my stupid and terrible mistakes. I'm just tagging along because I failed there, sucked in highschool and couldn't get any scholarships. I'm tagging along because I'm just a nobody stock boy at WalMart that would be fucked if I couldn't rely on my family for support. I'm only here because someone felt enough pity for me to let me.
If my father wasn't military none of these people would give a damn about me, I would just be another civilian on the street and wouldn't warrant so much as a second glance.
5/25/16 5:28am
Listening to: Goodbye To A World by Porter Robinson
The store here is bigger than my old one, and I miss it. I miss my old managers who knew what I was worth and where I was useful. I miss being in a familiar place where I know where everything is and was respected and cherished for that knowledge.
I hate having to learn everything over again, they do things so differently here.
We have a house, and the movers were here yesterday to drop everything off. I still haven't unpacked everything and now its so crowded in my room
5/27/16 9:42pm
I am continually reminded that as a white person, I am the minority here. Not being racist or anything, it was true in Georgia too I guess, it just wasn't in my face as much as it is here. Lot of Hispanics here in Texas, but I shouldn't really be surprised, the Mexican American border is less than 300 miles away at its closest.
5/31/16 2:49pm
As of almost a week ago I have been seeing a girl named Krista, we go out for our second date tomorrow actually. She is pretty cool, likes a lot of the same things I do and is one of the few people I have seen who can out match me as far as reading books goes.
I like her. Just have to not like her too much too fast, historically that's always been an issue but I believe I am getting better at it.
...
Apparently all of my relevant records (medical, birth certificate, diploma) got misplaced during the move. Step mother says they are around here somewhere in a box that hasn't been opened yet, which is easy for her to say because I out them exactly where she told me to (on top of her stuff) before the movers showed up, and I saw her take them to put somewhere els and now they are missing with her being the last to have them; something I'm sure she will deny later once the issue is pressed further and they still don't turn up.
...
Work here is less stressful than at my old store, the extra people in every area really helps out and makes everything easier.
...
Trying to make this MinGW C compiler work for the programming book today, but maybe I'm just doing it the wrong way.
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