1/27/2016 4:53am
Listening to: Uma Thurman by Fall Out Boy
Over the past 3 weeks we took on some newbies, one of my old acquaintances from highschool who went into the Navy but got kicked out over half way through basic because of migraines, and two girls.
The girl, who's name escapes me at the moment, is 22 but looks 17, white with brown hair and blonde highlights; they usually keep her in the dairy section. Short, she has to be just under 5 feet tall, and while not overtly attractive she isn't bad looking either.
So anyway, she and the guy I know from highschool have turned into "friends with benefits" the past few days, and while she says she isn't looking for a relationship we can both tell that He is slowly falling in love with her. I told her she should set him strait now because every day she waits is going to make his eventual heart brake worse.
That entire series of events brought about in me such an uprising of lustful thoughts that I have only ever experienced one other time, and I am ashamed of how I eventually acted on those feelings. I have only had sex with one person in my life, and I am incredibly disgusted with my self for how I manipulated that poor girl and eventually left her. It makes me remember what a horrible person I am.
The song that I am listening to now: Uma Therman by Fall Out Boy, is a song I will never forget. While I -------------------------------------------------. Everytime I hear it it forces me back to those brief moments, and everything I did that led up to it, how heartless I was in my deception, how cruel every smile I put on for her was.
I hate listening to it and usually change the station every time it comes on the radio, it makes me...uncomfortable. But I am forcing my self to listen to it now, hoping that remembering all of the things I did to Alexis will remind me of the consequences of my actions, and that I will --------------------------, never again be so cruel and uncaring with another persons heart.
This girl at work, I really shouldn't pursue her in any way whatsoever, I shouldn't even be having lunch with her because that might be too much for me as well. The temptations of lust and the wants of the body are great, I must find a way to resist them. For most of my days at work, the question of if its worth being a morally upstanding person in this world is really worth it, or if its better to live a life of sin and debauchery.
I still don't know.
THE JOURNAL OF A RATHER DISILLUSIONED YOUNG MAN. UPDATES NORMALLY ON THE 1st OF THE MONTH.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Thursday, January 21, 2016
JE#12
1/16/2016 9:49pm
My overnight Manager is exchanging positions with the day shift manager, his mandatory year of nightshift rotation being over now, I guess. Can't say I like his replacement, she seems like a "everything by the book" kind of woman.
The changing of the Wal-Mart imperial guard, as it were.
1/18/2016 11:26am
Feeling incredibly lonely, wishing I had a wife to keep me company; but being poor, not even generally good looking, and without a car of my own isnt exactly helping either.
I should read more, take my mind off of it.
1/19/2016 11:36am
Listening to: 2016 Best Melodic Dubstep Mix [3 Hours]
Went driving the stick shift for a little bit to get some experience on my own. I think I did well. Only stalled twice, but didn't wreck. Was kind of freaking out the whole time, heart racing a little, too.
1/21/2016 10:31am
Listening to: How Far We've Come by Match Box 20
For the longest time all I can remember doing is waiting. Waiting to graduate from high school, waiting to get into the military only to hear that they wouldn’t take me, waiting to find a place that would hire me. Just waiting in general.
Waiting sucks.
When we move to Texas, and when I get my car, I am going to go out and do things for my self, by my self. I don’t know where I will go, what I will do, or who I will meet; but I do know one thing.
Staying here in this house all day and not doing anything except working and my online classes is no way to live. I want to go out there and see the world, I want to do cool things and meet cool people.
And I will, but for now, I have to wait on that too.
My overnight Manager is exchanging positions with the day shift manager, his mandatory year of nightshift rotation being over now, I guess. Can't say I like his replacement, she seems like a "everything by the book" kind of woman.
The changing of the Wal-Mart imperial guard, as it were.
1/18/2016 11:26am
Feeling incredibly lonely, wishing I had a wife to keep me company; but being poor, not even generally good looking, and without a car of my own isnt exactly helping either.
I should read more, take my mind off of it.
1/19/2016 11:36am
Listening to: 2016 Best Melodic Dubstep Mix [3 Hours]
Went driving the stick shift for a little bit to get some experience on my own. I think I did well. Only stalled twice, but didn't wreck. Was kind of freaking out the whole time, heart racing a little, too.
1/21/2016 10:31am
Listening to: How Far We've Come by Match Box 20
For the longest time all I can remember doing is waiting. Waiting to graduate from high school, waiting to get into the military only to hear that they wouldn’t take me, waiting to find a place that would hire me. Just waiting in general.
Waiting sucks.
When we move to Texas, and when I get my car, I am going to go out and do things for my self, by my self. I don’t know where I will go, what I will do, or who I will meet; but I do know one thing.
Staying here in this house all day and not doing anything except working and my online classes is no way to live. I want to go out there and see the world, I want to do cool things and meet cool people.
And I will, but for now, I have to wait on that too.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
JE#11
1/13/2016 6:19am
Listening to: Edge Of Heaven by Breath Carolina
I started my online college class on the 11th, Computer Concepts and all of that. Nothing much is happening...oh, my girl came back, kind of sort of. She is sick, says its probably tuberculosis or something like that in her lungs.
I try not to think about it.
Although its all going to be the same semester, I don't start my second class until march, and with less than half the semester to go, it will probably end up being very fast paced. You just know its going to be interesting to see how I manage to juggle that and work at the same time. I'm still saving up to buy a car, so far I have just a little under 4k stashed away, though I will most likely need around 6k to get something that isn't garbage. 10k would be preferable to get something decent, but that's unlikely.
Still kind of inwardly sad with things being the way they are, I miss my teenage romanticism.
Though no one has said anything (recently), I feel unwelcome here. I work, sure, but I can still see that my father is disappointed with me. Oh, he hasn't said anything (recently), and he still says he loves me and this last Sunday he even said he was proud of me. But proud of what? That his almost 20 year old son that had to be continuously pushed through highschool and into work and college is still living at home? Proud of me? C'mon man, I'm a failure in progress. Everyday I get older, my youth being wasted here, day after day waiting while everyone els I know is out there living. Waiting until the next paycheck, waiting to get off work, waiting to go to home and use my parents resources because I couldn't possibly afford any of it my self.
I'm looking out my window and can see light coming over the horizon and trees. Most nights I wish it would just stay dark for another 12 hours, or forever really. I'd rather not have to face the day.
1/14/16 3:04am
Listening to: Diary Of Jane by Breaking Benjamin
Yesterday I allowed my self to venture out of my comfort zone, and what an uncomfortable mistake that was. So it was probably like 11:30am yesterday when I got bored and decided to call one of the guys I am kind of okay with at work and talk to him, thinking that maybe it would alleviate my boredom.
Somehow, that ended up with him picking me up and taking me out and around with his friend and her 3 kids who also works at WalMart.
Needless to say I felt completely out of place, what with her screaming kids, their continuous and lavish use cursing, the car speakers ready burst as they pump out a mix of early 2000's rock, ICP, and expletive laced rap, among other similar songs.
Other than getting Mcdonalds for her kids, it didn't really seem like we had a destination as we rode around, nearly hit the car in front of us as we were slowing down, and illegally ferried non registered citizens in and out of the Ft Stewart military installation because my "friend" who came to pick me up didn't have a military ID and therefore hid in the truck as we went through the gate, which I'm pretty sure is a felony on all of our parts.
I probably wont be doing that too often in the future.
Listening to: Edge Of Heaven by Breath Carolina
I started my online college class on the 11th, Computer Concepts and all of that. Nothing much is happening...oh, my girl came back, kind of sort of. She is sick, says its probably tuberculosis or something like that in her lungs.
I try not to think about it.
Although its all going to be the same semester, I don't start my second class until march, and with less than half the semester to go, it will probably end up being very fast paced. You just know its going to be interesting to see how I manage to juggle that and work at the same time. I'm still saving up to buy a car, so far I have just a little under 4k stashed away, though I will most likely need around 6k to get something that isn't garbage. 10k would be preferable to get something decent, but that's unlikely.
Still kind of inwardly sad with things being the way they are, I miss my teenage romanticism.
Though no one has said anything (recently), I feel unwelcome here. I work, sure, but I can still see that my father is disappointed with me. Oh, he hasn't said anything (recently), and he still says he loves me and this last Sunday he even said he was proud of me. But proud of what? That his almost 20 year old son that had to be continuously pushed through highschool and into work and college is still living at home? Proud of me? C'mon man, I'm a failure in progress. Everyday I get older, my youth being wasted here, day after day waiting while everyone els I know is out there living. Waiting until the next paycheck, waiting to get off work, waiting to go to home and use my parents resources because I couldn't possibly afford any of it my self.
I'm looking out my window and can see light coming over the horizon and trees. Most nights I wish it would just stay dark for another 12 hours, or forever really. I'd rather not have to face the day.
1/14/16 3:04am
Listening to: Diary Of Jane by Breaking Benjamin
Yesterday I allowed my self to venture out of my comfort zone, and what an uncomfortable mistake that was. So it was probably like 11:30am yesterday when I got bored and decided to call one of the guys I am kind of okay with at work and talk to him, thinking that maybe it would alleviate my boredom.
Somehow, that ended up with him picking me up and taking me out and around with his friend and her 3 kids who also works at WalMart.
Needless to say I felt completely out of place, what with her screaming kids, their continuous and lavish use cursing, the car speakers ready burst as they pump out a mix of early 2000's rock, ICP, and expletive laced rap, among other similar songs.
Other than getting Mcdonalds for her kids, it didn't really seem like we had a destination as we rode around, nearly hit the car in front of us as we were slowing down, and illegally ferried non registered citizens in and out of the Ft Stewart military installation because my "friend" who came to pick me up didn't have a military ID and therefore hid in the truck as we went through the gate, which I'm pretty sure is a felony on all of our parts.
I probably wont be doing that too often in the future.
Friday, January 8, 2016
JE#10
12/31/2015 9:41pm
Listening to: The annoying music they play on the Wal-Mart radio speakers
So I am at work and am going to get some new razors before my shift starts(update on that as of 1/7/16, apparently They don't make replacement comfort cut razor heads for my norelco 3100 series electric razor, WTF man?), and as I turn the corner I see this probably 15 or 17 year old couple holding hands and smiling as they walked around.
They looked so nice and happy, so comfortable in their relationship.
I hated them.
Guess that's jealousy for you.
1/2/16 2:22am
Listening to: New_Best_Dubstep_Mix_2015_
Since day shift had their own cook out new years day, our managers decided to do the same for our nightshift. I've already had two hamburgers and a cream soda. While its not the best food in the world, I'm not paying for it so I can't complain.
Its good though.
1/7/16 11:17am
Listening to: David Quinn & You Mase - Fake Music
I don't believe I mentioned it earlier, but one of the things I got for Christmas was $175 in Amazon gift cards, which I have so far used to get a kindle basic touch.
Like I said before, I love reading and use to do it a lot, but ever since I got my phone and the flood gates of internet access opened to me I have always put it off, saying things like "I never have the books that I really want to read", despite the many, and I do mean many, books on my book shelf.
Now I don't have that excuse, because resting on my bed next to me as I type this out on my phone sits something that can allow me to access thousands and thousands of books off the world wide web. It Kind of beats paying all that gas money to go to drive to the nearest Barnes & Noble for a wide selection of good books, if you know what I mean.
Truth be told, as much as I like my new kindle, I hate it for the same reason i originally abhorred e-readers as a whole; and that's that they are slowly killing the paper book industry.
The Borders book store chain for example.
remember a few years ago, in Dallas Texas, there was this beautiful two story Borders book store. Its not there anymore of course, oh, the building itself probably is, renovated by who ever bought it, but the Borders Group company went bankrupt in 2011.
Here is a Wikipedia link: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borders_Group
If you want to know who they were and what ultimately happened to them, then click the link above.
Its sad to think about really, for me at least. Barnes & Nobel is one of only major chains left in the USA that I know about, and I can only pray the same thing doesn't happen to them. With the advent of this new and ever more affordable technology, it can only be assumed that more people will gravitate to it, further taking away from the profit of book stores and book publishers as a whole.
Long story short, I don't want paper books to ever go away, because despite how cool eBooks are, if something were to ever happen such as an electro magnetic pulse or the digital dark age...real books would have made it through everything.
…
…
…
I guess I could have just said I don’t want paper books to disappear.
1/8/16 8:38pm
Listening to: Everywhere by Tim McGraw
The first book I bought on my kindle was Stoner by John Williams, recommended to me by a channel of YouTube called Better than food Book reviews. I finished it in roughly 4 days.
It was good.
Now I am reading The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa, and that’s definitely going to be a chore to get through.
You know, for a while I wanted to create my own YouTube channel, though I don’t really know what I would use it for…maybe as a vlog, or book review channel…I don’t really know. It never came to fruition though, I don’t believe I have the face or voice for camera. Being too thin skinned too, I would be to influenced by the inevitable trolls that would visit me, and ultimately give up anyway.
Listening to: The annoying music they play on the Wal-Mart radio speakers
So I am at work and am going to get some new razors before my shift starts(update on that as of 1/7/16, apparently They don't make replacement comfort cut razor heads for my norelco 3100 series electric razor, WTF man?), and as I turn the corner I see this probably 15 or 17 year old couple holding hands and smiling as they walked around.
They looked so nice and happy, so comfortable in their relationship.
I hated them.
Guess that's jealousy for you.
1/2/16 2:22am
Listening to: New_Best_Dubstep_Mix_2015_
Since day shift had their own cook out new years day, our managers decided to do the same for our nightshift. I've already had two hamburgers and a cream soda. While its not the best food in the world, I'm not paying for it so I can't complain.
Its good though.
1/7/16 11:17am
Listening to: David Quinn & You Mase - Fake Music
I don't believe I mentioned it earlier, but one of the things I got for Christmas was $175 in Amazon gift cards, which I have so far used to get a kindle basic touch.
Like I said before, I love reading and use to do it a lot, but ever since I got my phone and the flood gates of internet access opened to me I have always put it off, saying things like "I never have the books that I really want to read", despite the many, and I do mean many, books on my book shelf.
Now I don't have that excuse, because resting on my bed next to me as I type this out on my phone sits something that can allow me to access thousands and thousands of books off the world wide web. It Kind of beats paying all that gas money to go to drive to the nearest Barnes & Noble for a wide selection of good books, if you know what I mean.
Truth be told, as much as I like my new kindle, I hate it for the same reason i originally abhorred e-readers as a whole; and that's that they are slowly killing the paper book industry.
The Borders book store chain for example.
remember a few years ago, in Dallas Texas, there was this beautiful two story Borders book store. Its not there anymore of course, oh, the building itself probably is, renovated by who ever bought it, but the Borders Group company went bankrupt in 2011.
Here is a Wikipedia link: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borders_Group
If you want to know who they were and what ultimately happened to them, then click the link above.
Its sad to think about really, for me at least. Barnes & Nobel is one of only major chains left in the USA that I know about, and I can only pray the same thing doesn't happen to them. With the advent of this new and ever more affordable technology, it can only be assumed that more people will gravitate to it, further taking away from the profit of book stores and book publishers as a whole.
Long story short, I don't want paper books to ever go away, because despite how cool eBooks are, if something were to ever happen such as an electro magnetic pulse or the digital dark age...real books would have made it through everything.
…
…
…
I guess I could have just said I don’t want paper books to disappear.
1/8/16 8:38pm
Listening to: Everywhere by Tim McGraw
The first book I bought on my kindle was Stoner by John Williams, recommended to me by a channel of YouTube called Better than food Book reviews. I finished it in roughly 4 days.
It was good.
Now I am reading The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa, and that’s definitely going to be a chore to get through.
You know, for a while I wanted to create my own YouTube channel, though I don’t really know what I would use it for…maybe as a vlog, or book review channel…I don’t really know. It never came to fruition though, I don’t believe I have the face or voice for camera. Being too thin skinned too, I would be to influenced by the inevitable trolls that would visit me, and ultimately give up anyway.
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