JE#11

1/13/2016 6:19am

Listening to: Edge Of Heaven by Breath Carolina



I started my online college class on the 11th, Computer Concepts and all of that. Nothing much is happening...oh, my girl came back, kind of sort of. She is sick, says its probably tuberculosis or something like that in her lungs.
I try not to think about it.

Although its all going to be the same semester, I don't start my second class until march, and with less than half the semester to go, it will probably end up being very fast paced. You just know its going to be interesting to see how I manage to juggle that and work at the same time. I'm still saving up to buy a car, so far I have just a little under 4k stashed away, though I will most likely need around 6k to get something that isn't garbage. 10k would be preferable to get something decent, but that's unlikely.

Still kind of inwardly sad with things being the way they are, I miss my teenage romanticism.
Though no one has said anything (recently), I feel unwelcome here. I work, sure, but I can still see that my father is disappointed with me. Oh, he hasn't said anything (recently), and he still says he loves me and this last Sunday he even said he was proud of me. But proud of what? That his almost 20 year old son that had to be continuously pushed through highschool and into work and college is still living at home? Proud of me? C'mon man, I'm a failure in progress. Everyday I get older, my youth being wasted here, day after day waiting while everyone els I know is out there living. Waiting until the next paycheck, waiting to get off work, waiting to go to home and use my parents resources because I couldn't possibly afford any of it my self.

I'm looking out my window and can see light coming over the horizon and trees. Most nights I wish it would just stay dark for another 12 hours, or forever really. I'd rather not have to face the day.




1/14/16 3:04am

Listening to: Diary Of Jane by Breaking Benjamin



Yesterday I allowed my self to venture out of my comfort zone, and what an uncomfortable mistake that was. So it was probably like 11:30am yesterday when I got bored and decided to call one of the guys I am kind of okay with at work and talk to him, thinking that maybe it would alleviate my boredom.
Somehow, that ended up with him picking me up and taking me out and around with his friend and her 3 kids who also works at WalMart.

Needless to say I felt completely out of place, what with her screaming kids, their continuous and lavish use cursing, the car speakers ready burst as they pump out a mix of early 2000's rock, ICP, and expletive laced rap, among other similar songs.
Other than getting Mcdonalds for her kids, it didn't really seem like we had a destination as we rode around, nearly hit the car in front of us as we were slowing down, and illegally ferried non registered citizens in and out of the Ft Stewart military installation because my "friend" who came to pick me up didn't have a military ID and therefore hid in the truck as we went through the gate, which I'm pretty sure is a felony on all of our parts.

I probably wont be doing that too often in the future.