JE#6 INTRO AND BACKSTORY

12/12/2015 10:20am

Listening to: Centuries by Fall Out Boy


Hi, my name is...fuck it, we are going with the username on this one, my name is "Kilroy"; and if your reading this then welcome to the beginning of my metaphorical fall from grace.

You could be reading this years after I wrote it, which isn't as unreasonable as it sounds considering the blogs I found while contemplating a name for this one. One girl in particular, ran a blog on here back in 2007 called letters to the abyss, or: www.letterstotheabyss.blogspot.com

She was the first example I found of someone who was feeling as alone and isolated as I am. I don’t know her name and she only made a few posts, but its been over 8 years since she posted anything. Its maddening, really, never knowing what happened to her or if things ever got better, I would have loved to speak to her but she left no way to contact her. What grade was I in back in 2007?
I think the 6th, if I am not mistaken.

But hey, maybe everything turned out fine for her, and she turned into a beautiful swan just like she wanted.
Or maybe she killed herself.

Anyway, getting back on track here, was that she was wandering the maze that is life and here on this very blog hosting site she found a wall to scribble her most personal and cherished feelings before moving on. In doing that she made it possible for anyone who found her words to catch the briefest of glimpses into who she really was in those days behind the mask she put on for the world.

Maybe I am the only one who ever read everything she posted, sure a few thousand people got to her site by accident and skipped on to the next blog…but how many stayed? How many read what she had to say?

So maybe your reading this now and it’s the year 2015, or 2016, or even 2023.
Maybe your reading this now and you know who I was in these early turbulent years of my life.
Maybe no ones reading this, and maybe no one ever finds these scribblings of mine.

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12/17/15 3:33am

Listening to: Nothing by The Script


So where to start this backstory no one cares about?
You will have to forgive me if I babble, the Benadryl may be fading but the effects are presently still with me.
I am 19 now, though I will be 20 in a few months….20 years old and the only good thing I have as of yet to accomplish is completing high school….wow, what great amazing things I have done. And I am still living with my parents? Really breaking through life's achievement list at this point, cant even begin to describe how exciting this is.

Originally from Texas, my parents divorced sometime when I was four. I'm told that usually the mother gets custody of the children in cases such as these, but since she was actually the problem my Father received full custody of me and my 2 year old brother. I don’t remember much from those days but what I do usually consisted of them fighting.
Since my dad was in the military we rarely got to see him, but when we did it was always a treat, or, at least that’s what it felt like when I was younger. Me and my brother spent most of our time with either our grandmother or our great grandmother while our father was on deployments, so they pretty much raised us. Sure dad was a big part of our life but he wasn’t there for a lot of it, though that’s definitely not his fault, and when he was there he largely acted as the authority figure. I both loved and feared him, but I think that’s kind of how it should have been.

I never really fit in with the other kids in elementary school, and that’s a trend that continued all the way to the end of high school. Early on I was placed into what technically known as an "alternative school", which is where they put most of the problem students, be their problem behavior, mental, or physical. Cant have the throwbacks mixed in with the general population you know, I cant help feeling sorry for all of my old classmates though; the indignity of how they were treated. Any way, I was misdiagnosed with ADHD when I was 6 or 7 so from then until I was 18 they had me on the most mind numbing medication, Lithium for example, the same shit used in batteries.

I did that for awhile, ran away from my home in Ft Hood Texas when I was 9; left in the middle of the night while it was raining with only pajamas, a little green hoody, a little backpack with my piggy bank that probably had about $6 in change inside of it, and no shoes or socks. They found me 3 hours later 5 miles from home off base in a ditch over by Game Crazy, what was the equivalent of Game Stop back the before the closed down. I was placed in several mental hospital, some multiple times. I wont bother with describing what happens in such places, except that at the end of my stay at each "hospital" it was concluded that my defiant behavior was not the result of any psychological condition, so they sent me home.



12/18/15 9:57am



Ultimately me and my father never really got along well together; sure there was a deep love between us just like there was between all fathers and their sons. But when we were together for too long and ran out of small talk the conversation usually turned to either how I never minded or how bad my grades were in school at the time, which caused altercations between us. Sometime during middle school I started to get grounded a lot, usually because of my grades in school where I was either a C- or F student. The classes that almost always got me where Math, anywhere mathematics was involved my grades sank like a rock thrown in a pond. I could do the simple stuff, but when they stared pulling out all of those formulas and equations I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I was, however, exceptionally good at anything that involved reading, so I usually aced all of my Literature classes. I remember always being into books, especially science or science fiction ones. I remember when I was in the 4th grade and they had these cases of 6 page books they would test the students literary ability with, and score them based on how many of the little books each student could get through before they either didn’t understand what they were reading or couldn’t pronounce the words as they got more complicated. Out of everyone in my class, my test was by far the longest as they had to keep getting more of the cases out because hardly anyone ever got that far. If I remember it right, most of the other kids only got through 2 or 3 of the books, while I went through 6 or 7.

I use to love reading all the time, I remember reading The House Of The Scorpions in the 5th grade although my teacher didn’t like it because she didn’t think I could understand it. Now that I have a job and pay my own phone bill with access to the internet its become hard for me to put it down and read some of the books I have on my shelf. When I was in the 7th grade I was introduced to porn by accident while on a school computer doing a project, though I don’t remember how exactly. Being the curious and naughty young child I was, I started searching for more of it, and got away with doing so for a day or two before my teacher decided to find out why I was spending so much time on the computer. Naturally my Dad and step mother flipped out when they were told, after that I was lucky to ever be able to access the internet at all even if it was for school work.



12/19/15 9:31am

Listening to: Everywhere by Tim McGraw


During the end of my sophomore year in high school I had my heart set on joining the United states Navy. I decided I would do everything I possibly could to get in, unlike any other goal I had ever set for my self I actually did. I got all of my grades up and took the ASVAB 3 times and got the over all scores of 77, 61, and ended with a 69. To put that into perspective for those that probably don’t know, the absolute minimum they can take you with is a 50.
So when I first went to the recruiting station and told them about how I was on medication, they told me I had to be off of it for a year and a doctors note saying I was good to go with out the meds before they could do anything, I didn’t think it was a big deal and said okay. Got my doctor to taper me off the meds and by march of my Senior year I had been off of them for over a year with my doctor signing off on a letter saying he didn’t see any reason why I wouldn’t be able to complete any entrance level training for the military. During the time I was waiting to be off the meds for a full year I started running; started off with doing 20 push ups every morning and night, eventually working my way up to twice that. Slowly but surely I noticed that my muscles in general were getting stronger.

Let me tell you, man, I was excited. More so for joining the Navy than I had been for anything else in my life. I watched all kinds of channels on YouTube from people who had either just joined or had been in for a few years. I watched so many videos about Basic at great lakes and got super hyped, know I would have been able to surpass every physical requirement when I got there. I was so ready, I couldn’t even explain it to you. I thought everything about it was cool, from being on a ship in general to the lifestyle to even the coffin locker style beds. Load me up on a ship and lets spend 4 months at sea, lets go!

Mid way through senior year I think I have everything under control, but I didn’t notice the red flags and warning signs that were starting to pop up those last few months, like how I had just got a complete copy of my medical records in the mail to give to the recruiter and it was almost two Inches thick.

That’s right, you read that correctly.

2 inches.

Of medical-record related paperwork.



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Its got everything, every counselor's report regarding my mental health, every blood test result, every social worker report from when my parents got divorced, every school IEP meeting report from elementary all the way through early high school. I mean, if you can imagine it, it was probably in that stack of paperwork.

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The recruiter took it of course, he probably thought if there was a snowballs chance in hell they would take this obviously fucked up teen (judging purely off the sight of 2inches of medical records) so he could make mission then he would take it.

After leading me on for almost half a year he finally told me that the doctors at MEPS wouldn’t even look at the paperwork because of how thick it was and that they just saw the doctors note that said I DIDN’T have ADHD and denied it saying something to the effect of, "ADHD denied, waiver not recommended."

Naturally I was devastated, still kind of am really. Being disqualified from the Navy automatically did the same thing for my back up option, the Marines, since they fell under the Navy.

4 months later the Army would tell me the same thing, and that, "Barring a jumpstart in the war on terror or world War 3, they wouldn’t be able to take me."







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That was the final nail in my coffin, or the thing that sealed the deal, if you will.
I was stuck here in this horrible city of Hinesville, Georgia; with all of my hopes and dreams shattered and reality about to hit me like a tidal wave of wet cement.