JE#5

12/5/2015 9:09am




So things got better for awhile. My girl came back, but that's another story.

I'm causing problems within the family again, this time just by being here. Graduated high school and the military wouldn't take me because of the crap my mother allowed to happen when I was a child, so my dream of joining the navy is gone.

Did I mention that already? I don't remember.

Now I have already sunk over $500 into a decent computer and some required software, and I put all of it onto my credit card I got a few weeks ago. The issue I happen to be causing today is that I will need their wifi for school when I start to take me degree classes online, and now my father is throwing his version of a fit over it. Says I need to go out and get a vocation or something because the free ride here is over so he and my step mom are fighting over that. I don't blame him of course, I am probably his biggest mistake with all of the things I have put him through. I'm the biggest stain on his life that I can think of, everything would be perfect without me always making a mess of things.

Its hard to stop thinking like that, but the suicidal thoughts that come with it are really hard to overcome. Needless to say I find them them almost acceptable, even doable sometimes. But always I turn away from them; its like hiding from a monster when it walks into a room. You turn around and try not to think about it, maybe it wont hurt you then.

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Naturally I have thought about leaving. Not that I could go anywhere meaningful, mind you. All I have is a 75 liter backpack I got online and a rather large cumbersome sleeping bag rated for 0 degrees. I don't have any credit history so I couldn't sign a lease for any kind of place to stay in, I'm also limited in how far I can travel by foot to and from my job at WalMart as an overnight stocker. In affect I would be homeless. I wouldn't know how to survive or defend my self, or sleep I places where no one would bother me during the day.
Also, its the beginning of December, so its cold and only going to get colder.

I have thought about going to the nearest police station and first asking nicely if they would put me in prison where I would get 3 meals a day and a nit freezing cold bed, and if they would when I asked the first time I would do something minor to make them.
The idea of throwing all of my freedom, and any chance I would ever have for a better life doesn't exactly appeal to me.

This entire line of thinking is pretty depressing.