6/30/16 12:32pm
Listening to: Have a Cigar by Pink Floyd
Things with Krista are going great, we went on our 6th date yesterday. Things could be worse at home, tensions are a little high going coming out of the summer semester of school going into fall. Had my first wreck a week or so ago, clipped the front end of a truck and messed up my passenger side light and bumper. In order for me to get my tags I have to take a safety inspection which I can't to until my replacement light gets here in a week or so. As for the bumper…im not willing to pay a few hundred dollars to have someone fix it, so a combination of super crazy glue, several drilled holes, and zip ties should take care of it. I didn’t buy the car for looks, so a cosmetic issue like that doesn’t really bother me.
I have an appointment July 8th so I can schedule some tests to say that I don’t have some things that were already done by civilian doctors but now have to be done by army doctors so I can send it to the recruiter. I don’t have high hopes for that, but at least its something.
Nothing bad has really happened lately, I love going on dates with Krista, and soon I will be going to day shift at work around the end of July, which will also make it easier to go to college full time. Im not too happy about going to cap team 2 and basically being an unloader, but it would serve to put me on a normal schedule, reconnect with my family (which may or may not be bad because it will mean more friction between me and everyone els), and more time to hang out with Krista.
Im trying to take it relatively slow with her, not making any unwanted advances. I won't lie, I certainly think about it from time to time, but I want to respect her, and my self for that matter. Im…happy with how things are at the moment…just hope she finds a job close by and doesn’t have to leave.
THE JOURNAL OF A RATHER DISILLUSIONED YOUNG MAN. UPDATES NORMALLY ON THE 1st OF THE MONTH.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
JE#23 MOVING ON
6/3/2016 2:55am
Listening to: Game Over by Falling in Reverse
Yesterday I stayed up an extra 3 hours to get my first car, a 2005 Kia with almost 88000 miles on it foe $4700 total. Its cool, though I can feel my legs vibrate when I get up into the 80mph range.
After watching a bunch of YouTube videos I finally managed to get the MinGW compiler to work, soon after I created, compiled, and executed my first "hello world" program.
6/12/16 10:43pm
Listening to Skrillex ft. Krewella -Breath (vocal edit)
A lot happened over the past 2 weeks regarding my ex. Started talking for a few days about everything that happened, was finally able to vent my frustrations. She is engaged to the new guy, but knows I could have ended her "happy ever after" before it ever really had a chance to take off. Her marriage, bearing his children, and her happily growing old with him...I could have crushed all of that, I held complete control over whether her future was bright and wonderful or dark and full of despair. We talked about that for a few days, what it would have meant and the obvious repercussions of it all if that's what I chose to do.
After talking about that for a few days...after I had her tell me all of her plans and long term goals ...I saw that she and the new guy both believed, really believed that after all of the terrible things that had happened to them through out their lives, that they had a decent chance to build something great together, to make a happy marriage that would last and lead a happy life.
Knowing that I was the only thing standing in their way, I was the one who actually decided if they would get the chance or not. I took a few minuets to think about her response where she laid everything out for me, her entire world she wanted to build without me...and it didn't make me angry like all of her other responses about him did.
I messaged her back and said:
"Have your happy ending then."
Listening to: Game Over by Falling in Reverse
Yesterday I stayed up an extra 3 hours to get my first car, a 2005 Kia with almost 88000 miles on it foe $4700 total. Its cool, though I can feel my legs vibrate when I get up into the 80mph range.
After watching a bunch of YouTube videos I finally managed to get the MinGW compiler to work, soon after I created, compiled, and executed my first "hello world" program.
6/12/16 10:43pm
Listening to Skrillex ft. Krewella -Breath (vocal edit)
A lot happened over the past 2 weeks regarding my ex. Started talking for a few days about everything that happened, was finally able to vent my frustrations. She is engaged to the new guy, but knows I could have ended her "happy ever after" before it ever really had a chance to take off. Her marriage, bearing his children, and her happily growing old with him...I could have crushed all of that, I held complete control over whether her future was bright and wonderful or dark and full of despair. We talked about that for a few days, what it would have meant and the obvious repercussions of it all if that's what I chose to do.
After talking about that for a few days...after I had her tell me all of her plans and long term goals ...I saw that she and the new guy both believed, really believed that after all of the terrible things that had happened to them through out their lives, that they had a decent chance to build something great together, to make a happy marriage that would last and lead a happy life.
Knowing that I was the only thing standing in their way, I was the one who actually decided if they would get the chance or not. I took a few minuets to think about her response where she laid everything out for me, her entire world she wanted to build without me...and it didn't make me angry like all of her other responses about him did.
I messaged her back and said:
"Have your happy ending then."
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
JE#22
5/15/2016 8:58am
Listening to: I took a pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
Sitting on this little bench by some trees on the side of a walkway by our hotel room. The family is getting ready for church, and with everyone being in a cramped space with one bathroom is causing the kind of chaos and easily ignitable tempers you would expect. I got tired of it, came out here to wait until they are all done and ready to go; its nice out here for now, the cool air is a little on the chilly side with a nice breeze just the way I like it, and I can hear children laughing in the background as they play in the playground at the park a few yards away.
5/18/2016
Listening to: Needle and Haystack Life by Switchfoot
The drive from Georgia to Texas was…uneventful. At my grandmothers house in Kilgore now, an old childhood home. Got here yesterday afternoon but we leave tomorrow. This place brings back memories, though most of them are about waiting for one thing or another. This house, these people, its all just another purgatory. I don’t belong here but I wont be long, just passing through.
I talked to my great grandmother who lives across the street, I asked about some of our extended family and how they are doing, talked about my childhood and some of the things that happened back then. It turns out, though not surprisingly, that a lot of them are in bad shape, be it physically or with the law. My little part of the family seems to be one of only a few outliers in all of this mess with how we are ding compared to everyone ells... Looking back at all of the crap we have been through, we, and me especially, could have been a whole lot worse off.
…
I still think about her every now and then. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
5/19/16 8:02pm
Made it to Fort Hood, this whole place has really been built up in the years I have been gone. Its beautiful...and yet it depresses me. Even now I have to fight to keep back the tears.
I don't belong here. My little brother and sister do, but I don't.
I was supposed to be off on my own with the military and only come back every now and then to visit and tell some adventurous stories of my trips. I...I failed at the one thing that would have made me into something worthy of this place, the one thing that would have allowed me a chance to redeem my self and make up for all of my stupid and terrible mistakes. I'm just tagging along because I failed there, sucked in highschool and couldn't get any scholarships. I'm tagging along because I'm just a nobody stock boy at WalMart that would be fucked if I couldn't rely on my family for support. I'm only here because someone felt enough pity for me to let me.
If my father wasn't military none of these people would give a damn about me, I would just be another civilian on the street and wouldn't warrant so much as a second glance.
5/25/16 5:28am
Listening to: Goodbye To A World by Porter Robinson
The store here is bigger than my old one, and I miss it. I miss my old managers who knew what I was worth and where I was useful. I miss being in a familiar place where I know where everything is and was respected and cherished for that knowledge.
I hate having to learn everything over again, they do things so differently here.
We have a house, and the movers were here yesterday to drop everything off. I still haven't unpacked everything and now its so crowded in my room
5/27/16 9:42pm
I am continually reminded that as a white person, I am the minority here. Not being racist or anything, it was true in Georgia too I guess, it just wasn't in my face as much as it is here. Lot of Hispanics here in Texas, but I shouldn't really be surprised, the Mexican American border is less than 300 miles away at its closest.
5/31/16 2:49pm
As of almost a week ago I have been seeing a girl named Krista, we go out for our second date tomorrow actually. She is pretty cool, likes a lot of the same things I do and is one of the few people I have seen who can out match me as far as reading books goes.
I like her. Just have to not like her too much too fast, historically that's always been an issue but I believe I am getting better at it.
...
Apparently all of my relevant records (medical, birth certificate, diploma) got misplaced during the move. Step mother says they are around here somewhere in a box that hasn't been opened yet, which is easy for her to say because I out them exactly where she told me to (on top of her stuff) before the movers showed up, and I saw her take them to put somewhere els and now they are missing with her being the last to have them; something I'm sure she will deny later once the issue is pressed further and they still don't turn up.
...
Work here is less stressful than at my old store, the extra people in every area really helps out and makes everything easier.
...
Trying to make this MinGW C compiler work for the programming book today, but maybe I'm just doing it the wrong way.
Listening to: I took a pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
Sitting on this little bench by some trees on the side of a walkway by our hotel room. The family is getting ready for church, and with everyone being in a cramped space with one bathroom is causing the kind of chaos and easily ignitable tempers you would expect. I got tired of it, came out here to wait until they are all done and ready to go; its nice out here for now, the cool air is a little on the chilly side with a nice breeze just the way I like it, and I can hear children laughing in the background as they play in the playground at the park a few yards away.
5/18/2016
Listening to: Needle and Haystack Life by Switchfoot
The drive from Georgia to Texas was…uneventful. At my grandmothers house in Kilgore now, an old childhood home. Got here yesterday afternoon but we leave tomorrow. This place brings back memories, though most of them are about waiting for one thing or another. This house, these people, its all just another purgatory. I don’t belong here but I wont be long, just passing through.
I talked to my great grandmother who lives across the street, I asked about some of our extended family and how they are doing, talked about my childhood and some of the things that happened back then. It turns out, though not surprisingly, that a lot of them are in bad shape, be it physically or with the law. My little part of the family seems to be one of only a few outliers in all of this mess with how we are ding compared to everyone ells... Looking back at all of the crap we have been through, we, and me especially, could have been a whole lot worse off.
…
I still think about her every now and then. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
5/19/16 8:02pm
Made it to Fort Hood, this whole place has really been built up in the years I have been gone. Its beautiful...and yet it depresses me. Even now I have to fight to keep back the tears.
I don't belong here. My little brother and sister do, but I don't.
I was supposed to be off on my own with the military and only come back every now and then to visit and tell some adventurous stories of my trips. I...I failed at the one thing that would have made me into something worthy of this place, the one thing that would have allowed me a chance to redeem my self and make up for all of my stupid and terrible mistakes. I'm just tagging along because I failed there, sucked in highschool and couldn't get any scholarships. I'm tagging along because I'm just a nobody stock boy at WalMart that would be fucked if I couldn't rely on my family for support. I'm only here because someone felt enough pity for me to let me.
If my father wasn't military none of these people would give a damn about me, I would just be another civilian on the street and wouldn't warrant so much as a second glance.
5/25/16 5:28am
Listening to: Goodbye To A World by Porter Robinson
The store here is bigger than my old one, and I miss it. I miss my old managers who knew what I was worth and where I was useful. I miss being in a familiar place where I know where everything is and was respected and cherished for that knowledge.
I hate having to learn everything over again, they do things so differently here.
We have a house, and the movers were here yesterday to drop everything off. I still haven't unpacked everything and now its so crowded in my room
5/27/16 9:42pm
I am continually reminded that as a white person, I am the minority here. Not being racist or anything, it was true in Georgia too I guess, it just wasn't in my face as much as it is here. Lot of Hispanics here in Texas, but I shouldn't really be surprised, the Mexican American border is less than 300 miles away at its closest.
5/31/16 2:49pm
As of almost a week ago I have been seeing a girl named Krista, we go out for our second date tomorrow actually. She is pretty cool, likes a lot of the same things I do and is one of the few people I have seen who can out match me as far as reading books goes.
I like her. Just have to not like her too much too fast, historically that's always been an issue but I believe I am getting better at it.
...
Apparently all of my relevant records (medical, birth certificate, diploma) got misplaced during the move. Step mother says they are around here somewhere in a box that hasn't been opened yet, which is easy for her to say because I out them exactly where she told me to (on top of her stuff) before the movers showed up, and I saw her take them to put somewhere els and now they are missing with her being the last to have them; something I'm sure she will deny later once the issue is pressed further and they still don't turn up.
...
Work here is less stressful than at my old store, the extra people in every area really helps out and makes everything easier.
...
Trying to make this MinGW C compiler work for the programming book today, but maybe I'm just doing it the wrong way.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
JE#21
5/7/16 4:35am
Listening to: Thy Unveiling by ICP
Yesterday I got my first compiler for C, Microsoft's Visual Studio 2015 community edition. I got it from this cool old guy I work with from the Philippines who use to code for 10 years. He let me use his instillation disk from a C++ book he bought last year but never really used. Now that I have the compiler I can start learning C in a practical way.
Funny how one of the main things that set me off on all of this computer stuff with vigor was the desire to fuck up HER digital life, but that wont be for a while now. The silent rage that induces is still with me, I keep it tucked deep inside for that time when I will really need it. And if for what ever reason I decide not to hack her, then at least on the plus side I have a few valuable skills.
The movers will be here next week, and all of the pictures in the house have been packed up already, leaving the walls of the house bare and feeling empty.
5/13/2016 9:11am
Listening to: The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls
The house is pretty much empty of all our stuff, and what is there has been boxed up by the movers. I have a bag with about a weeks worth of clothing, and another "technology bag" full of things like my laptop (god, I hope it doesn't break. I tried to pack it where it sits on top of all the heavy things instead of under them) my school psychology text book, my C coding book, tablet, PSP Vita, kindle, and various charging cables.
Yesterday was my last day working at this particular WalMart store 862, and I worked for 7 straight days in a row that last week to get a full 80 hour paycheck. On a similar note, today is the first day in 338 days I have been on a normal sleep schedule, yesterday I stayed up for a little over 23 hours to get back into sleeping at night and it sucked sooooooooooooooooooo much. I did get my transfer approved by my store manager but the store in Texas says they can't guarantee me a job until I actually get down there and talk to them, which sucks because that means there isa possibility that I will get there and all of there open slots are full meaning I wont have a job and will have to start looking for one. At this point we are just waiting on the movers to come and get the rest of the stuff so we can go to a hotel for two days before me and dad leave for Texas on the 16th.
9:01pm
Listening to: Lost Boy by Ruth B
After making a few matches on tinder I eventually came across one Deanna Holmes. We talked for a few weeks, and she's pretty cool. After that we exchanged numbers, she lives 63 miles away and is 4 years older than me, but its sad that its taken me all this time to find her...right as im about to move. We clicked pretty well and have no problem carrying on a conversation about anything and everything.
What a shame though, if things weren't the way they are I believe we could have really built something together.
Why are all of the best people either too far away or about to leave?
...
In this swanky military lodge hotel until the 16th. The room we all share is probably about 2 and a half times the size of my old one.
Listening to: Thy Unveiling by ICP
Yesterday I got my first compiler for C, Microsoft's Visual Studio 2015 community edition. I got it from this cool old guy I work with from the Philippines who use to code for 10 years. He let me use his instillation disk from a C++ book he bought last year but never really used. Now that I have the compiler I can start learning C in a practical way.
Funny how one of the main things that set me off on all of this computer stuff with vigor was the desire to fuck up HER digital life, but that wont be for a while now. The silent rage that induces is still with me, I keep it tucked deep inside for that time when I will really need it. And if for what ever reason I decide not to hack her, then at least on the plus side I have a few valuable skills.
The movers will be here next week, and all of the pictures in the house have been packed up already, leaving the walls of the house bare and feeling empty.
5/13/2016 9:11am
Listening to: The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls
The house is pretty much empty of all our stuff, and what is there has been boxed up by the movers. I have a bag with about a weeks worth of clothing, and another "technology bag" full of things like my laptop (god, I hope it doesn't break. I tried to pack it where it sits on top of all the heavy things instead of under them) my school psychology text book, my C coding book, tablet, PSP Vita, kindle, and various charging cables.
Yesterday was my last day working at this particular WalMart store 862, and I worked for 7 straight days in a row that last week to get a full 80 hour paycheck. On a similar note, today is the first day in 338 days I have been on a normal sleep schedule, yesterday I stayed up for a little over 23 hours to get back into sleeping at night and it sucked sooooooooooooooooooo much. I did get my transfer approved by my store manager but the store in Texas says they can't guarantee me a job until I actually get down there and talk to them, which sucks because that means there isa possibility that I will get there and all of there open slots are full meaning I wont have a job and will have to start looking for one. At this point we are just waiting on the movers to come and get the rest of the stuff so we can go to a hotel for two days before me and dad leave for Texas on the 16th.
9:01pm
Listening to: Lost Boy by Ruth B
After making a few matches on tinder I eventually came across one Deanna Holmes. We talked for a few weeks, and she's pretty cool. After that we exchanged numbers, she lives 63 miles away and is 4 years older than me, but its sad that its taken me all this time to find her...right as im about to move. We clicked pretty well and have no problem carrying on a conversation about anything and everything.
What a shame though, if things weren't the way they are I believe we could have really built something together.
Why are all of the best people either too far away or about to leave?
...
In this swanky military lodge hotel until the 16th. The room we all share is probably about 2 and a half times the size of my old one.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
JE#20
4/21/2016 9:55pm
Listening to: I Took a Pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
Last week one of the old ladies I work with, Mrs. Anastasia, quite after being here for over 14 years, said she just got tired of the bullshit. I don't blame her. It gets a little worse here every week, but I just have to endure it, though these seasonal allergies, sore throat, and runny nose are so not helping me.
4/26/15 9:44am
I'm at Ogeechee Technical college right now waiting to take my English final at 10am, I had to drive 40 something miles to get here...but its nice. I like the atmosphere, the buildings, the ornamental pond, the students and teachers, everything.
Its cool.
I'm in what I guess is some kind of common area full of chairs and, let me count them, 6 students around me. It feels so...strange. I do miss the school environment, but I feel so...i don't know. I know that after I finish this final I wont ever be coming back to this place, I wont ever see any of these people ever again, especially when I move on the 16th of May.
I feel sad about that.
I'm going to miss this place and these people I don't know.
4/27/16 1:30pm
Hello friend.
I'm sorry, just finished watching the entire first season of Mr Robot.
Not all on one sitting of course, but over the last week and a half.
Good show.
At least in my opinion, not that it matters.
Its pretty cramped in my closet, where I'm at right now.
Or it was, I am under the covers in my bed now. Parents were walking around the house, opening doors so I got out because it would be beyond awkward if they walked in and I wasn’t there and later had to explain why I wasn’t there.
So now I am here….
Doing nothing in particular.
1:44pm
I never do anything actually, not anything meaningful.
I could go on about that, but that's another pessimistic and depressing story.
I think about her sometimes, I try not to but every now and then, for what ever reason, she just pops into my mind.
Her and my replacement.
Can't fault him for that, he didn't know. I wonder if she will ever tell him.
How she chose him because I was way less convenient. Maybe she finally got fed up with me not ever being able to do anything that mattered too.
...
I have thought about getting in contact with him, it wouldn't be that hard. Sure, he didn't ever respond to me on facebook messenger, probably never actually read what I sent him in my first few days of heart ache, but there are ways around that.
It would only take a little social engineering.
I know where he lives, where he works, and a good idea of his schedule. It would only take a phone call, maybe 2, to his store to over there, give the manager there some BS story to go and get him on the phone. After that it would only take a few seconds to tell him everything, and whether or not he chose to believe I would be assured that he knew, that at least he heard.
I have thought about it several times, and reached for the phone a few more, but something always stops me.
I don't know what it is.
Is it because I don't want to ruin her? How does that make sense, while my intention is not explicitly to hurt her by doing this I do believe that the fallout would be of her own doing.
Is it because I don't think it would be fair for her or him? Since when does she care about fairness, and why should I? Will it be fair to him? I think he should know, I would want to know if I was him.
But I am not him. She wants nothing to do with me, but she loves him.
Every now and then I do a little bit of facebook stalking, but to be fair I think everyone really should have their profile set to private. I look through his posts, and its just so damn frustrating/heartbreaking/rage inducing. The other day he posted about things he is looking forward to, and 2 of them were marriage and kids.
I'm not stupid, I know they are having sex, and knowing her I can picture everything and its just so fucking terrible to think about. To know that she threw me away like I was a piece of trash after everything we went through, and to know she is looking forward to having his baby just as much if not more so than he is.
That just....words fail to convey the feeling that brings me.
And I want to lash out, and I could, so someone tell me why am I just sitting back here not doing a goddamn thing and letting it happen?!
...
I think...i think its because, deep down inside I know and understand that she isn't mine to love anymore. I mean I know that already but...maybe I haven't done anything because its not my place to interfere.
...
Went an hour away to my college for the first time yesterday to take a final because they wouldn't let me take it off site. It was pretty cool being at college, kind of swanky. I liked it. Kind of sad though, because once I move I will never be able to go there again.
Listening to: I Took a Pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
Last week one of the old ladies I work with, Mrs. Anastasia, quite after being here for over 14 years, said she just got tired of the bullshit. I don't blame her. It gets a little worse here every week, but I just have to endure it, though these seasonal allergies, sore throat, and runny nose are so not helping me.
4/26/15 9:44am
I'm at Ogeechee Technical college right now waiting to take my English final at 10am, I had to drive 40 something miles to get here...but its nice. I like the atmosphere, the buildings, the ornamental pond, the students and teachers, everything.
Its cool.
I'm in what I guess is some kind of common area full of chairs and, let me count them, 6 students around me. It feels so...strange. I do miss the school environment, but I feel so...i don't know. I know that after I finish this final I wont ever be coming back to this place, I wont ever see any of these people ever again, especially when I move on the 16th of May.
I feel sad about that.
I'm going to miss this place and these people I don't know.
4/27/16 1:30pm
Hello friend.
I'm sorry, just finished watching the entire first season of Mr Robot.
Not all on one sitting of course, but over the last week and a half.
Good show.
At least in my opinion, not that it matters.
Its pretty cramped in my closet, where I'm at right now.
Or it was, I am under the covers in my bed now. Parents were walking around the house, opening doors so I got out because it would be beyond awkward if they walked in and I wasn’t there and later had to explain why I wasn’t there.
So now I am here….
Doing nothing in particular.
1:44pm
I never do anything actually, not anything meaningful.
I could go on about that, but that's another pessimistic and depressing story.
I think about her sometimes, I try not to but every now and then, for what ever reason, she just pops into my mind.
Her and my replacement.
Can't fault him for that, he didn't know. I wonder if she will ever tell him.
How she chose him because I was way less convenient. Maybe she finally got fed up with me not ever being able to do anything that mattered too.
...
I have thought about getting in contact with him, it wouldn't be that hard. Sure, he didn't ever respond to me on facebook messenger, probably never actually read what I sent him in my first few days of heart ache, but there are ways around that.
It would only take a little social engineering.
I know where he lives, where he works, and a good idea of his schedule. It would only take a phone call, maybe 2, to his store to over there, give the manager there some BS story to go and get him on the phone. After that it would only take a few seconds to tell him everything, and whether or not he chose to believe I would be assured that he knew, that at least he heard.
I have thought about it several times, and reached for the phone a few more, but something always stops me.
I don't know what it is.
Is it because I don't want to ruin her? How does that make sense, while my intention is not explicitly to hurt her by doing this I do believe that the fallout would be of her own doing.
Is it because I don't think it would be fair for her or him? Since when does she care about fairness, and why should I? Will it be fair to him? I think he should know, I would want to know if I was him.
But I am not him. She wants nothing to do with me, but she loves him.
Every now and then I do a little bit of facebook stalking, but to be fair I think everyone really should have their profile set to private. I look through his posts, and its just so damn frustrating/heartbreaking/rage inducing. The other day he posted about things he is looking forward to, and 2 of them were marriage and kids.
I'm not stupid, I know they are having sex, and knowing her I can picture everything and its just so fucking terrible to think about. To know that she threw me away like I was a piece of trash after everything we went through, and to know she is looking forward to having his baby just as much if not more so than he is.
That just....words fail to convey the feeling that brings me.
And I want to lash out, and I could, so someone tell me why am I just sitting back here not doing a goddamn thing and letting it happen?!
...
I think...i think its because, deep down inside I know and understand that she isn't mine to love anymore. I mean I know that already but...maybe I haven't done anything because its not my place to interfere.
...
Went an hour away to my college for the first time yesterday to take a final because they wouldn't let me take it off site. It was pretty cool being at college, kind of swanky. I liked it. Kind of sad though, because once I move I will never be able to go there again.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
JE#19
4/1/2016 9:51pm
Listening to Beautiful Times by Owl City
Riding in one of my coworkers car with me, him, and two other associates on our way towards a store half a mile away because they need extra people to help out. We did the same thing yesterday but apparently the day shift managers (the ones who asked me to go) are not on the same page as my nightshift manager, so they were flipping out thinking I just left or didn't show up when they needed me. Everything is cool now, I'm not going to get in trouble (so they say), although they did say that if I am offered a chance to volunteer at another store in the future to not go because they need me more.
I am kind of sorry that I put everyone in a bind, but I think that everyone should have known what was going on to begin with, and they really needed me here so bad that they should have called me and asked that I help out somewhere els.
I do need to start the whole transfer process sometime this week to the WalMart in Texas so I can go ahead and secure a job there.
4/7/16. 10:44am
Listening to Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson
It still hurts a little every time I think about her and everything that happened, but not as much as before.
I know its stupid to say but I have been on tinder the past few days, and talking to other girls has really lifted my self confidence.
4/12/16 11:17pm
Listening to: The Breach by Dustin Tebbutt
Considering that every time I go to work as an overnight stocker at WalMart I think I am going to be fired because of how bad I think I am at my job after having been there for 10 months and 4 days, yesterday I got my first official evaluation, and it was great.
My manager said I had become one of the "rocks" of overnight stocking and that I had scored above standard in everything; the only thing he said I needed to improve on was to "stop making pallets 12 feet tall," which is something I do only to minimize pallets that go to the back, and since I am 6ft 5 I can naturally stack things much higher than anyone els. Its annoying to the day shift because they always have to get a ladder to work on most pallets I create.
Over all, not much has happened.
Not much ever happens really.
In a little over a week I have to pay a little over $900 for my one summer psychology class, and the idea of again charging that much to my credit card unsettles me, but its what has to happen for now.
On another note, I did finally get my Lumia 1520 in red, though I suspect the battery may need to be replaced after as year or so, and there are a few light spots on the screen where I guess the LCD display shows through a little but its only noticeable when the screen is showing a predominantly white image. It came with a case, belt holster, and screen protector, so all in all I thinks its pretty good for only $140 off of eBay. I want to make it last as long as possible.
You can tell that we at moving in a month, the house already almost feels bigger/more empty even though we haven't packed anything yet. I will be leaving early to go with dad on the 16th so we can get a house by the time the rest of the family gets there, so that should be a pretty strained and awkward 15 hour car ride.
Once I get there, settle into my new job if they take me or find a new one if they don't, and get my car, then I will finally be able to go out and meet girls, explore, and live in general.
4/14/16. 1:27am
Listening to: Don't threaten me with a good time by Panic! At The Disco
The following is a thought I had yesterday:
"I think everyone is trapped in one way or another, everyone has their own ball and chain strapped to their ankles. For some its being stuck in a crummy low paying job because they decided to have unprotected sex resulting in 2 kids and very low disposable income. For others its financial debt keeping them where they are and preventing them from taking any risks in an attempt to move forward in life just so they can make their credit payment every month. Others are just stuck in unlucky or morally compromising situations that might have to do with family or friends always needing them.
What ever the case, most people just appear to get chained down by the system. Oh, your still "free" to do what ever you want, but who is really going to quite their job and try to find something better or do what they really love in life when there are extra mouths to feed, bills to pay, and obligations to fulfill?
I don't know,man, I really don't. I look around at my friends, family, and coworkers and I just think, "there has to be something better than this."
But is there?
The world we live in is getting harder, crueler, and more violent everyday.
Sure, I have a pretty cushy ride key words being For-Now. Free housing, utilities, and health insurance through my parents.
But it wont last. It just wont last.
I don't want to be trapped."
-
-
-
One of my friends just went through a brake up with her boyfriend, and I am helping her through it as best as I can because she helped me through mine. Her struggle to get through it will be much harder than mine, at least I have the option to try and forget about Sarah, but she has classes with this guy, works at the same place as him, had to confront his presence everyday.
Its hard watching someone you like go through this kind of thing. Back when me and her lived in the same neighborhood I would have tried to ask her out if she wasn't a little over 4 years my junior.
Haha, its funny that everyone I could possibly like is either too far away or too young.
Listening to Beautiful Times by Owl City
Riding in one of my coworkers car with me, him, and two other associates on our way towards a store half a mile away because they need extra people to help out. We did the same thing yesterday but apparently the day shift managers (the ones who asked me to go) are not on the same page as my nightshift manager, so they were flipping out thinking I just left or didn't show up when they needed me. Everything is cool now, I'm not going to get in trouble (so they say), although they did say that if I am offered a chance to volunteer at another store in the future to not go because they need me more.
I am kind of sorry that I put everyone in a bind, but I think that everyone should have known what was going on to begin with, and they really needed me here so bad that they should have called me and asked that I help out somewhere els.
I do need to start the whole transfer process sometime this week to the WalMart in Texas so I can go ahead and secure a job there.
4/7/16. 10:44am
Listening to Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson
It still hurts a little every time I think about her and everything that happened, but not as much as before.
I know its stupid to say but I have been on tinder the past few days, and talking to other girls has really lifted my self confidence.
4/12/16 11:17pm
Listening to: The Breach by Dustin Tebbutt
Considering that every time I go to work as an overnight stocker at WalMart I think I am going to be fired because of how bad I think I am at my job after having been there for 10 months and 4 days, yesterday I got my first official evaluation, and it was great.
My manager said I had become one of the "rocks" of overnight stocking and that I had scored above standard in everything; the only thing he said I needed to improve on was to "stop making pallets 12 feet tall," which is something I do only to minimize pallets that go to the back, and since I am 6ft 5 I can naturally stack things much higher than anyone els. Its annoying to the day shift because they always have to get a ladder to work on most pallets I create.
Over all, not much has happened.
Not much ever happens really.
In a little over a week I have to pay a little over $900 for my one summer psychology class, and the idea of again charging that much to my credit card unsettles me, but its what has to happen for now.
On another note, I did finally get my Lumia 1520 in red, though I suspect the battery may need to be replaced after as year or so, and there are a few light spots on the screen where I guess the LCD display shows through a little but its only noticeable when the screen is showing a predominantly white image. It came with a case, belt holster, and screen protector, so all in all I thinks its pretty good for only $140 off of eBay. I want to make it last as long as possible.
You can tell that we at moving in a month, the house already almost feels bigger/more empty even though we haven't packed anything yet. I will be leaving early to go with dad on the 16th so we can get a house by the time the rest of the family gets there, so that should be a pretty strained and awkward 15 hour car ride.
Once I get there, settle into my new job if they take me or find a new one if they don't, and get my car, then I will finally be able to go out and meet girls, explore, and live in general.
4/14/16. 1:27am
Listening to: Don't threaten me with a good time by Panic! At The Disco
The following is a thought I had yesterday:
"I think everyone is trapped in one way or another, everyone has their own ball and chain strapped to their ankles. For some its being stuck in a crummy low paying job because they decided to have unprotected sex resulting in 2 kids and very low disposable income. For others its financial debt keeping them where they are and preventing them from taking any risks in an attempt to move forward in life just so they can make their credit payment every month. Others are just stuck in unlucky or morally compromising situations that might have to do with family or friends always needing them.
What ever the case, most people just appear to get chained down by the system. Oh, your still "free" to do what ever you want, but who is really going to quite their job and try to find something better or do what they really love in life when there are extra mouths to feed, bills to pay, and obligations to fulfill?
I don't know,man, I really don't. I look around at my friends, family, and coworkers and I just think, "there has to be something better than this."
But is there?
The world we live in is getting harder, crueler, and more violent everyday.
Sure, I have a pretty cushy ride key words being For-Now. Free housing, utilities, and health insurance through my parents.
But it wont last. It just wont last.
I don't want to be trapped."
-
-
-
One of my friends just went through a brake up with her boyfriend, and I am helping her through it as best as I can because she helped me through mine. Her struggle to get through it will be much harder than mine, at least I have the option to try and forget about Sarah, but she has classes with this guy, works at the same place as him, had to confront his presence everyday.
Its hard watching someone you like go through this kind of thing. Back when me and her lived in the same neighborhood I would have tried to ask her out if she wasn't a little over 4 years my junior.
Haha, its funny that everyone I could possibly like is either too far away or too young.
Friday, April 1, 2016
JE#18 BETRAYAL
3/15/2016 1:05pm
Today dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday, even after I explained to him I was tired of getting into the conversations where I list off things I want but don't need and then get told how selfish and ungrateful I am for not appreciating all of the things I have. Its true, but I get tired of getting baited into the same trap. He kept asking, and eventually I said I don't know, and that I would buy my own birthday gifts, which mostly is just a Lumia 1520 and everything I need to make it work.
I have everything I ever wanted when I was a few years younger: some money, unlimited access to the internet, a computer of my own. But now that I have all of these things, I find that I am even less happy and less satisfied with my life.
3/17/2016 9:08am
Listening to: Guardian Angel by Abandon All Ships
Dad took me out to eat last night at the Pour House behind the plaza, it wasn’t near as awkward as I thought it would be and the food was great. He keeps telling me not to feel like a failure and that everyone has to start somewhere; he gave the usual story about how even he didn’t start out as a First Sergeant and that his first job was as a janitor.
We had a good time, though it would have been better if there wasn’t so much freaking pollen in the air.
I am a little apprehensive about getting older.
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3/29/16 10:47am
Listening to: I'm an Albatraoz by AronChupa
…Okay, we are going to talk about this…
Damn…fuck…FUCK.
FUCK!
On more than a few occasions in earlier posts I have referred to a girl named Sarah.
Sarah Walker to be exact.
She probably wouldn’t like that I put her last name on here, but compared to what I am not going to put on here, I think she will get over it. Not that she reads any of this anyway, so she wouldn’t really know I guess. This is all just wailing in the night as far as any of you (collectively referring to all of the people who will never read this, which is pretty much everyone) are concerned.
Shit…it still hurts to think about it, her…any of it.
I would really like to not talk about this.
But I think if I don’t put it out there, out here, on here, in this sea of useless information that is the web and all of its contents, that if I don’t send this out there in the make shift "message in a bottle" that is this blog post…that it will eat me alive. It gives me little panic attacks every time I think about her, my heart starts to pound in my chest and I have to take several deep breaths to regain my composure.
-So here we go.
Sarah and I have been in a long distance relationship since December 8th, 2011, and it ended on March 18th, 2016 at around 2:30am. On the night of my 20th birthday, I got a message through Facebook asking if I knew her, and since I didn’t know she had a Facebook account I naturally followed the link to her profile.
Everything was as I expected it to be…until I noticed her relationship status was with someone els.
When I asked her about it, she blocked my phone number and told me that this was goodbye.
That blew my mind, and destroyed my world.
Eventually, she told me everything through google hangouts ( a site she led me to months ago so we could talk more often). Basically, around October of 2015 we went through a little over a month of her not speaking to me, and at the time I was ready to give her up thinking she had found someone els (which I now know to be true) and that I had accepted that.
I still don’t know why she couldn’t have told me then. That was her one chance to let all of this go down peacefully.
Instead she told me that everything was fine, and that she hadn't been seeing anyone els, that she still loved me and wanted to remain together. I didn’t know it then, but she was lying.
…There goes the sped up heart beat again.
---
---
---
---
---
---
So that right there, was the signal to an end to 4.27 years of my life that was wasted on her.
I don’t think I have really dealt with most of the heartache yet, ever since the initial impact and shock, I have mostly been able to avoid it by distracting my self either through work, school, video games, or sleep, and if I have too much time on my hands and I cant sleep or find my self thinking about her, I pop 5 25mg tablets of Benadryl and that sends knocks me out within the hour. Ever since this happened though, I cant sleep for near as long as I use to, I went from almost 12 hours easy to barely 7 or 8.
I still don’t know what I am really going to do with my life now. Before this happened, she and I had planned everything together and engineered our whole lives around each other.
We had plans, man. I was going to move up there to Indiana with her, we were going to get an apartment together, finally be together, and get married like we had always talked about. Shit was serious, and the only enemy was time; but for over 4 years it was us against the world as we both fought for so long to make this work, and we were less than half a year from everything coming together after so long.
And then this happened.
Now I don’t really have any plans, or at least, none that I am taking or thinking about seriously. Sure, there is the college and the classes I am taking right now for my associates degree, but at the rate that I am taking them (which is only 1 per semester, because that’s all I can afford on my own without taking out student loans and permanently putting my self into serious debt for the rest of my life) it will be a little over 10 years to finish my 2 year degree.
So yeah, that totally sounds reasonable.
Meanwhile, im stuck working a dead end job as a Walmart overnight stock boy, and even though me and the family are moving back home to Fort Hood, Texas, I don’t see many options to move forward in life, and every day I get a little bit older and that much more of my youth escapes me.
Maybe when I get there I can start hooking up with girls, find me some friendly female company; its not like I have anything holding me back from that now. Might as well live while I can.
I wont lie, deep down I still love her. But if she were to come back to me now after already choosing someone els...I cant say for certain what I would do. She cheated on me for at least 5 months, and lied to me every time we talked during that time. I...I don't hate her...At least, I don't think I do.
I'm just sad.
Really, really, really sad.
I know I will not feel like this forever, time heals all wounds.
Its just that everyday is a struggle now, and sometimes I fight just to survive the hour. I try really hard not to think about her and the new guy. I have seen what he looks like, Facebook being good for something after all. It gets to me though, the things they have probably done, the things they will do, the THINGS, man. He doesn't know about me so I cant blame him, I just hate knowing who my replacement is and cant fault him for that. I understand perfectly well that I could ruin her life by sending the screen shots of our more "interesting" conversations to all of her friends on Facebook, and I told her as much.
But in the end, that wouldn't make me happy, doing that wouldn't fill the hole in my chest and the void in my life she has left me with.
I told her that too.
My days are an emotional roller coaster now. I go from feeling okay to really sad to depressed as fuck and its such a drag.
So at this point, I don't really know what to do with my life.
3/31/16 8:30pm
Listening to Irresistible by Fall out Boy
I had a dream about her and it caused me to wake up over an hour before my alarm was set to wake me up for work. It wasn’t a bad dream…it was rather pleasant actually, though completely absurd in the way most dreams are. It was only after I woke up, when all of the memories came back to me, that it started to hurt.
Today dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday, even after I explained to him I was tired of getting into the conversations where I list off things I want but don't need and then get told how selfish and ungrateful I am for not appreciating all of the things I have. Its true, but I get tired of getting baited into the same trap. He kept asking, and eventually I said I don't know, and that I would buy my own birthday gifts, which mostly is just a Lumia 1520 and everything I need to make it work.
I have everything I ever wanted when I was a few years younger: some money, unlimited access to the internet, a computer of my own. But now that I have all of these things, I find that I am even less happy and less satisfied with my life.
3/17/2016 9:08am
Listening to: Guardian Angel by Abandon All Ships
Dad took me out to eat last night at the Pour House behind the plaza, it wasn’t near as awkward as I thought it would be and the food was great. He keeps telling me not to feel like a failure and that everyone has to start somewhere; he gave the usual story about how even he didn’t start out as a First Sergeant and that his first job was as a janitor.
We had a good time, though it would have been better if there wasn’t so much freaking pollen in the air.
I am a little apprehensive about getting older.
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
3/29/16 10:47am
Listening to: I'm an Albatraoz by AronChupa
…Okay, we are going to talk about this…
Damn…fuck…FUCK.
FUCK!
On more than a few occasions in earlier posts I have referred to a girl named Sarah.
Sarah Walker to be exact.
She probably wouldn’t like that I put her last name on here, but compared to what I am not going to put on here, I think she will get over it. Not that she reads any of this anyway, so she wouldn’t really know I guess. This is all just wailing in the night as far as any of you (collectively referring to all of the people who will never read this, which is pretty much everyone) are concerned.
Shit…it still hurts to think about it, her…any of it.
I would really like to not talk about this.
But I think if I don’t put it out there, out here, on here, in this sea of useless information that is the web and all of its contents, that if I don’t send this out there in the make shift "message in a bottle" that is this blog post…that it will eat me alive. It gives me little panic attacks every time I think about her, my heart starts to pound in my chest and I have to take several deep breaths to regain my composure.
-So here we go.
Sarah and I have been in a long distance relationship since December 8th, 2011, and it ended on March 18th, 2016 at around 2:30am. On the night of my 20th birthday, I got a message through Facebook asking if I knew her, and since I didn’t know she had a Facebook account I naturally followed the link to her profile.
Everything was as I expected it to be…until I noticed her relationship status was with someone els.
When I asked her about it, she blocked my phone number and told me that this was goodbye.
That blew my mind, and destroyed my world.
Eventually, she told me everything through google hangouts ( a site she led me to months ago so we could talk more often). Basically, around October of 2015 we went through a little over a month of her not speaking to me, and at the time I was ready to give her up thinking she had found someone els (which I now know to be true) and that I had accepted that.
I still don’t know why she couldn’t have told me then. That was her one chance to let all of this go down peacefully.
Instead she told me that everything was fine, and that she hadn't been seeing anyone els, that she still loved me and wanted to remain together. I didn’t know it then, but she was lying.
…There goes the sped up heart beat again.
---
---
---
---
---
---
So that right there, was the signal to an end to 4.27 years of my life that was wasted on her.
I don’t think I have really dealt with most of the heartache yet, ever since the initial impact and shock, I have mostly been able to avoid it by distracting my self either through work, school, video games, or sleep, and if I have too much time on my hands and I cant sleep or find my self thinking about her, I pop 5 25mg tablets of Benadryl and that sends knocks me out within the hour. Ever since this happened though, I cant sleep for near as long as I use to, I went from almost 12 hours easy to barely 7 or 8.
I still don’t know what I am really going to do with my life now. Before this happened, she and I had planned everything together and engineered our whole lives around each other.
We had plans, man. I was going to move up there to Indiana with her, we were going to get an apartment together, finally be together, and get married like we had always talked about. Shit was serious, and the only enemy was time; but for over 4 years it was us against the world as we both fought for so long to make this work, and we were less than half a year from everything coming together after so long.
And then this happened.
Now I don’t really have any plans, or at least, none that I am taking or thinking about seriously. Sure, there is the college and the classes I am taking right now for my associates degree, but at the rate that I am taking them (which is only 1 per semester, because that’s all I can afford on my own without taking out student loans and permanently putting my self into serious debt for the rest of my life) it will be a little over 10 years to finish my 2 year degree.
So yeah, that totally sounds reasonable.
Meanwhile, im stuck working a dead end job as a Walmart overnight stock boy, and even though me and the family are moving back home to Fort Hood, Texas, I don’t see many options to move forward in life, and every day I get a little bit older and that much more of my youth escapes me.
Maybe when I get there I can start hooking up with girls, find me some friendly female company; its not like I have anything holding me back from that now. Might as well live while I can.
I wont lie, deep down I still love her. But if she were to come back to me now after already choosing someone els...I cant say for certain what I would do. She cheated on me for at least 5 months, and lied to me every time we talked during that time. I...I don't hate her...At least, I don't think I do.
I'm just sad.
Really, really, really sad.
I know I will not feel like this forever, time heals all wounds.
Its just that everyday is a struggle now, and sometimes I fight just to survive the hour. I try really hard not to think about her and the new guy. I have seen what he looks like, Facebook being good for something after all. It gets to me though, the things they have probably done, the things they will do, the THINGS, man. He doesn't know about me so I cant blame him, I just hate knowing who my replacement is and cant fault him for that. I understand perfectly well that I could ruin her life by sending the screen shots of our more "interesting" conversations to all of her friends on Facebook, and I told her as much.
But in the end, that wouldn't make me happy, doing that wouldn't fill the hole in my chest and the void in my life she has left me with.
I told her that too.
My days are an emotional roller coaster now. I go from feeling okay to really sad to depressed as fuck and its such a drag.
So at this point, I don't really know what to do with my life.
3/31/16 8:30pm
Listening to Irresistible by Fall out Boy
I had a dream about her and it caused me to wake up over an hour before my alarm was set to wake me up for work. It wasn’t a bad dream…it was rather pleasant actually, though completely absurd in the way most dreams are. It was only after I woke up, when all of the memories came back to me, that it started to hurt.
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