3/3/2016 2:38am
Listening to: Find You by Zedd
Yesterday I found out my credit score sucks because I have been using most of my available credit to pay for college, despite always paying 6 times my Minimum payment every month on time.
So there's that.
I hate that in order to get money I don't have, I have to use money I don't have, so that I can qualify for more money I don't have.
Yesterday I got bored and decided to go hang out with that same guy from work, Brandon, and again he put my life in unnecessary danger. For starters, he wanted to go almost 50mph in what I am pretty sure is a 20mph neighborhood road, then decided to pull the emergency break and drift into his drive way where the vehicle came to a screeching halt less than 15 feet from his front door on the lawn. When his grandmother expressed what I believed to be very reasonable concern and told him that his car wasn't a toy, he responded by saying that it indeed was a toy.
The level of disrespect he shows to his guardians and parents, and his immaturity regarding potentially dangerous things such as motor vehicles continues to astound me. He also, unbeknownst to him, continues to remind me just how good my parents were in raising me and the quality of life I have been given. In his house everything is strewn everywhere, clothes, excess food, empty drink cans and bottles, and junk in general to the point that you had to watch where you stepped less you step on any of the clutter.
In my house everything is clean and orderly with everything in its proper place, and if I were to treat any of my things or parents with the level of disrespect that Brandon does I would have been struck down and kicked out a long time ago.
3/5/16 9:40pm
Since my new online English class started its been taking up a lot of my free time, and my computer concepts class starts back Monday so I know that's going to suck. I think the worst about it is going to be this stupid research essay I have to do over the course of 6 weeks.
Parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and when I said "nothing" they asked why and I responded with "I just don't." In truth, I have no shortage of wants, but I don't feel like I have the right to ask for anything. If I did, I'm sure my father would say I was selfish and ungrateful for not being happy with having a free house to live in and a car to drive. Its true, but I still don't want to have to deal with him and that particular conversation.
3/10/16 9:31am
Listening to:Howlin Wolf best songs of Howlin Wolf
Not much goes on, though this BS English class is starting to get to me. Sarah is going to get a car before I do here In a few days, im kind of envious.
My birthday is in 7 days, I wonder if she will remember it. I wont ask her for anything, I wont even say anything about it...but I would like to hear her voice. Its been so long since I have heard her lovely voice.
6:08pm
I can't sleep, I don't know why, so don't ask me. I woke up around 4:30pm
Around 2 days ago I had a dream:
I'm at the base of a large rocky mountain with a forest not to far off in the distance, I would say a little less than a mile off, and the sky is over cast. There are probably a few hundred people with me and we are all slowly walking out from this rather large industrial looking building or facility built at the base of the mountain and we can all feel this low shock wave that will come through the ground every few seconds, and it makes the very earth tremble slightly. I don't know what's happening, I'm dazed and confused but I notice that the crowd around me is starting to panic. The shockwaves are coming a little faster now, every 20 or 30 seconds at this point. A loud, incredibly deep sounding roar reverberates through the air, I can feel the sound waves assaulting my very bones with their vibrations.
Its coming from behind the mountain.
Naturally everyone looks up at the mountain behind them in shocked silence, and then we see it.
Its fucking HUGE.
Slowly, this monster, this eldritch entity from some lovecraftian novel, its crawling over the mountain toward us, making the very earth shake under its weight as it does so. Imagine every kaiju movie you ever saw, but replace the awe with pure fear, and then you start thinking what I was thinking which was, "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" It roars again and then moves a little faster towards the crowd, and everyone just starts panicking, screaming and running. To the forest, I don’t know why but everyone is running towards the forest, madly thinking that maybe they will lose the creature in there, that they will be safe from this thing.
But I know its not true, especially with the whole crowd going in that direction making a highly visible and easy target. I split off from the main group and running to the far left instead toward the rock outcroppings a few hundred feet away, and I remember being so out of my mind with fear, thinking that if I can just find a good hiding place in a short enough period of time it will move past me and keep going after the others. Its just over head now, looking down at the ground for any stragglers. I fling my self under this over hanging rock face, and start covering my self with dirt and rocks hoping it wont sense me half buried here in the earth.
Its getting closer.
Its right next to me.
I cant make a sound, I can barely breath for fear that it will hear me.
And then I wake up.
F
THE JOURNAL OF A RATHER DISILLUSIONED YOUNG MAN. UPDATES NORMALLY ON THE 1st OF THE MONTH.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
JE#16
2/15/16 9:50pm
In the associate break room about 15 minuets before the meeting we usually have, the old ladies that have been here for years are talking about the managers that are generally assholes, I join in every now and then, as they talk about how everything sucks now, how the managers are pricks and we have too much to do. Same old same old.
I wonder if its always been this way, if it always will be.
2/17/16 9:44pm
Listening to: Take Me Home Tonight by Eddie Money
I sent Sarah a her valentines day gifts and the tracking number says I got there yesterday morning. She hasn't talked to me since then, so I worry that her parents might have intercepted it and she is in trouble for it. I can't blame her parents though, they must hate me.
My manager authorized me for 8 hours of overtime, the only downside to that is I only had one day off this week.
2/20/16 10:42am
She got the package, and I am so glad she loved it; for a few days there I thought her parents had somehow found it and decided to punish her in some way.
Anyway.
IT is harder to get into than I thought from what research I have done, but so far its just stuff that makes sense anyway, and if I do need to re-evaluate my career choice than, well, at the rate I am taking classes I will have plenty of time to think about it.
Been thinking more about when I should move out, when and where I would go. Sharing an apartment/ trailer with someone seems like the best way to live somewhere without crippling my wallet.
2/21/16 8:30am
I got really frustrated at work today, management was garbage, their expectations totally unrealistic, and the freight didn't even seem to be that bad for most areas. As for management, I can't blame everything on them because most of its corporate, and as we all know shit rolls down hill from those greedy mofo's on high in their nice little office buildings. At the end though a few of us associates (like 4 people) helped each other out that last hour because if we hadn't a few of us would have had to stay over for at least an hour to bin all the stuff in. That's one of the few examples of teamwork I have ever seen while working in WalMart.
On an off note though, today I was introduced to strange world of Hot wheel's bulk buying and illegal resale.
Today I was in the toy department stocking when this guy comes up to me and asks if we have any new hot wheels toy cars the little ones that you get for a dollar, and mind you that this is at like 1am. He starts explaining to me that he is competing with this guy who comes in when the new shipments reach the shelves and buys all of the "good ones" before anyone els gets to them. He said this guy, along with other people around the country who do this same thing, would then resell them to people who collect them for like $20-$40 depending on how "rare" or "good" they are. He said that loads of people actually buy them for this price because there are a lot of them you can only get from WalMart stores, and it blows my mind that people would pay that much money for a little $1 toy car.
First world problems, I guess.
2/24/16 1:13am
Just woke up from a lust filled dream, haven't had one of those in a long time. Wonder what brought it on.
2/25/16 5:24am
Listening to: I Got No Time by The Living Tombstone
More and more mistakes, you would think I would be smart enough to not make the same fucking bad choice a second time.
9:41pm
Contemplating the meaning of my life, what I'm supposed to do, etc. Sarah gave me her phone number but somehow she manages to be just as distant and vague. She doesn't seem to be interest in talking to me, I guess, or maybe just doesn't feel like explaining to me what's going on. This weighted feeling I have, like I'm just slogging through the thick mud that is life becoming ever more tired as I do so; maybe she feels it worse than I do?
It amazes me that although I may have been paid $625 this pay check, but I only get to keep a little over $100, put $200 in savings, pay $100 towards my credit card debt, and use the rest to pay bills. Man, that sucks, and it will only get worse when I move out and have to start paying for my stuff on my own.
2/26/15 9:40pm
I think its perfectly reasonably to wake up once in a while and doubt everything you have done, especially everything you plan to do, and question if its all really worth it.
The following is something I sent to Sarah:
--"Hey, so here is one of the things that has happened recently. So far, I am currently taking two college classes for this 2016 spring semester, and only plan to take one during the 2016 fall semester. As of now I cant afford to take any more than that because
A) I am close to exhausting my $2000 credit limit, which is what I have used so far to pay for my college, even though I pay $100 towards it every time I get paid despite my minimum payment only being something like $38 and
B) because with a mostly full time job at NIGHT I don’t really have enough time for maybe 3 classes a semester and 2 during the summer even if I had the money and
C) because I haven't had my credit card for 6 months, therefor no reliable credit history so I don’t yet qualify for student loans of any kind.
My Step mom got with me today and said I should think about going to my bank, explaining the situation to them and seeing if I could take out a loan, which is an Idea I abhor for multiple reasons. Anyway, the original admittedly not very well thought out plan was
1. save up and get a car that isn't totally garbage with a equally not totally garbage insurance plan.
2.Save up a few thousand dollars.
3.Move out of my parents house with everything I could reasonably take in my car, and possibly face their equivalent of exile once they figure out where I am going
4.Drive all the way up to your freezing state of Indiana, to with in the nearest affordable housing of your house,
5.Find a decent job there
6.And figure out a sort of live in situation with you while simultaneously working, going to college part time, and living with the love of my life as we both work to pay the bills.
As stated above, I admit it isn't exactly fool proof. But what ever I do, I have a few months to make up my mind before I either pack my bags or get ready to be in some serious debt that would officially chain me to my job.
But what am I telling you all of this for? Its because I want to know what you think about all of this, what it is you think I should possibly do/not do. You have just as much say in this as me, more so in fact because of the potential and real stress it would put you through."--
I have yet to hear back from her.
It kind of makes me feel uncomfortable hearing everyone at work talk about what's wrong with them and their family, how their old bodies are frail and infirm with age. It makes me afraid to age, knowing my health wont last, with all the talk of arthritis, osteoporosis, and and other assorted maladies.
2/27/16 11:41am
In keeping with the same pattern I have noticed through out my life, today something promising came along that was gona end my day on a high note, and not 10 minuets later I go to tell my parents about something completely different and my dad starts being an asshole over my uncombed hair. When I ask if I can get back to the actual reason for why I came in there (regarding taking their car to my proctor exam) and he tells me to stop and get out of his room.
Fuck it all, then.
2/28/16 9:48am
Been taking some little free online classes in how to code in Java. Its kind of interesting, not hard exactly, just a lot of things to remember to do exactly right or els the whole thing wont work.
2/29/16 9:40pm
This morning, Andrew was called into the office at 6am, and was fired. Wasn't here 2 months. Back in school I always thought he was better than me for being able to go into the Navy, and when he showed up here looking for a job I worried that he would be better at it than I ever was.
But he wasn't, he was much worse. And I outlasted him.
I have been here for 266 days, or 8 months and 21 days; and every single one of them is lost to me.
In the associate break room about 15 minuets before the meeting we usually have, the old ladies that have been here for years are talking about the managers that are generally assholes, I join in every now and then, as they talk about how everything sucks now, how the managers are pricks and we have too much to do. Same old same old.
I wonder if its always been this way, if it always will be.
2/17/16 9:44pm
Listening to: Take Me Home Tonight by Eddie Money
I sent Sarah a her valentines day gifts and the tracking number says I got there yesterday morning. She hasn't talked to me since then, so I worry that her parents might have intercepted it and she is in trouble for it. I can't blame her parents though, they must hate me.
My manager authorized me for 8 hours of overtime, the only downside to that is I only had one day off this week.
2/20/16 10:42am
She got the package, and I am so glad she loved it; for a few days there I thought her parents had somehow found it and decided to punish her in some way.
Anyway.
IT is harder to get into than I thought from what research I have done, but so far its just stuff that makes sense anyway, and if I do need to re-evaluate my career choice than, well, at the rate I am taking classes I will have plenty of time to think about it.
Been thinking more about when I should move out, when and where I would go. Sharing an apartment/ trailer with someone seems like the best way to live somewhere without crippling my wallet.
2/21/16 8:30am
I got really frustrated at work today, management was garbage, their expectations totally unrealistic, and the freight didn't even seem to be that bad for most areas. As for management, I can't blame everything on them because most of its corporate, and as we all know shit rolls down hill from those greedy mofo's on high in their nice little office buildings. At the end though a few of us associates (like 4 people) helped each other out that last hour because if we hadn't a few of us would have had to stay over for at least an hour to bin all the stuff in. That's one of the few examples of teamwork I have ever seen while working in WalMart.
On an off note though, today I was introduced to strange world of Hot wheel's bulk buying and illegal resale.
Today I was in the toy department stocking when this guy comes up to me and asks if we have any new hot wheels toy cars the little ones that you get for a dollar, and mind you that this is at like 1am. He starts explaining to me that he is competing with this guy who comes in when the new shipments reach the shelves and buys all of the "good ones" before anyone els gets to them. He said this guy, along with other people around the country who do this same thing, would then resell them to people who collect them for like $20-$40 depending on how "rare" or "good" they are. He said that loads of people actually buy them for this price because there are a lot of them you can only get from WalMart stores, and it blows my mind that people would pay that much money for a little $1 toy car.
First world problems, I guess.
2/24/16 1:13am
Just woke up from a lust filled dream, haven't had one of those in a long time. Wonder what brought it on.
2/25/16 5:24am
Listening to: I Got No Time by The Living Tombstone
More and more mistakes, you would think I would be smart enough to not make the same fucking bad choice a second time.
9:41pm
Contemplating the meaning of my life, what I'm supposed to do, etc. Sarah gave me her phone number but somehow she manages to be just as distant and vague. She doesn't seem to be interest in talking to me, I guess, or maybe just doesn't feel like explaining to me what's going on. This weighted feeling I have, like I'm just slogging through the thick mud that is life becoming ever more tired as I do so; maybe she feels it worse than I do?
It amazes me that although I may have been paid $625 this pay check, but I only get to keep a little over $100, put $200 in savings, pay $100 towards my credit card debt, and use the rest to pay bills. Man, that sucks, and it will only get worse when I move out and have to start paying for my stuff on my own.
2/26/15 9:40pm
I think its perfectly reasonably to wake up once in a while and doubt everything you have done, especially everything you plan to do, and question if its all really worth it.
The following is something I sent to Sarah:
--"Hey, so here is one of the things that has happened recently. So far, I am currently taking two college classes for this 2016 spring semester, and only plan to take one during the 2016 fall semester. As of now I cant afford to take any more than that because
A) I am close to exhausting my $2000 credit limit, which is what I have used so far to pay for my college, even though I pay $100 towards it every time I get paid despite my minimum payment only being something like $38 and
B) because with a mostly full time job at NIGHT I don’t really have enough time for maybe 3 classes a semester and 2 during the summer even if I had the money and
C) because I haven't had my credit card for 6 months, therefor no reliable credit history so I don’t yet qualify for student loans of any kind.
My Step mom got with me today and said I should think about going to my bank, explaining the situation to them and seeing if I could take out a loan, which is an Idea I abhor for multiple reasons. Anyway, the original admittedly not very well thought out plan was
1. save up and get a car that isn't totally garbage with a equally not totally garbage insurance plan.
2.Save up a few thousand dollars.
3.Move out of my parents house with everything I could reasonably take in my car, and possibly face their equivalent of exile once they figure out where I am going
4.Drive all the way up to your freezing state of Indiana, to with in the nearest affordable housing of your house,
5.Find a decent job there
6.And figure out a sort of live in situation with you while simultaneously working, going to college part time, and living with the love of my life as we both work to pay the bills.
As stated above, I admit it isn't exactly fool proof. But what ever I do, I have a few months to make up my mind before I either pack my bags or get ready to be in some serious debt that would officially chain me to my job.
But what am I telling you all of this for? Its because I want to know what you think about all of this, what it is you think I should possibly do/not do. You have just as much say in this as me, more so in fact because of the potential and real stress it would put you through."--
I have yet to hear back from her.
It kind of makes me feel uncomfortable hearing everyone at work talk about what's wrong with them and their family, how their old bodies are frail and infirm with age. It makes me afraid to age, knowing my health wont last, with all the talk of arthritis, osteoporosis, and and other assorted maladies.
2/27/16 11:41am
In keeping with the same pattern I have noticed through out my life, today something promising came along that was gona end my day on a high note, and not 10 minuets later I go to tell my parents about something completely different and my dad starts being an asshole over my uncombed hair. When I ask if I can get back to the actual reason for why I came in there (regarding taking their car to my proctor exam) and he tells me to stop and get out of his room.
Fuck it all, then.
2/28/16 9:48am
Been taking some little free online classes in how to code in Java. Its kind of interesting, not hard exactly, just a lot of things to remember to do exactly right or els the whole thing wont work.
2/29/16 9:40pm
This morning, Andrew was called into the office at 6am, and was fired. Wasn't here 2 months. Back in school I always thought he was better than me for being able to go into the Navy, and when he showed up here looking for a job I worried that he would be better at it than I ever was.
But he wasn't, he was much worse. And I outlasted him.
I have been here for 266 days, or 8 months and 21 days; and every single one of them is lost to me.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
JE#15
2/4/2016 9:40pm
The day before yesterday I woke up around 5pm to the sound of the on base emergency alert system, there were several tornadoes on the ground for a little over 10 minuets. Our house is okay, but just down the street everything is wrecked. The power was out for over 2 hours so we had salmon on the grill and fate in the dark with the aide of green glow sticks that my dad keeps on hand.
2:44am
A guy followed by his wife and baby came up to me about an hour and a half ago asking me if we were hiring, he had a huge scar running from the bottom o his neck down into his chest and he said that he had had heart surgery 6 months ago and hadn't had a job since then. He asked about how to get hired and I told him everything I knew, he thanked me, shook my hand, and left.
About 20 minuets ago I saw him in hand cuffs being held with the police along with his wife while what I guess was one of their friends came and got the baby. Apparently his wife had been caught trying to steal stuff by stuffing it in her boots.
I felt bad for them before I saw that, I still feel bad for them after having seen it.
2/8/16 10:04am
Listening to: If I'm James Dean then your Audrey Hepburn by Sleeping with Sirens
Again, not a lot going on. Looking more into the whole creating a YouTube channel thing, debating on if and when I should get the Lumia 1520. I get the occasional comment from Sarah, which is always a good thing in my eyes; she isn't sick anymore, but she still doesn’t talk much…I would be lying if I said I didn’t think that the fire that once burned passionately between us is mainly burning from just me at this point.
Work was okay up until the last 2 and a half hours when I had little left to do and started thinking; despite knowing how bad that is. Anyway, I got depressed for the last few hours which made time slow to an agonizing crawl.
2/11/16 10:38am
Listening to: Here's to all the zeros by Marianas Trench
I am so glad Sarah is okay. Honestly, hearing from her makes me feel unbelievably happy. I know the header on this blog says its for a rather depressed young man, but today...for today that doesn't apply to me.
The day before yesterday I woke up around 5pm to the sound of the on base emergency alert system, there were several tornadoes on the ground for a little over 10 minuets. Our house is okay, but just down the street everything is wrecked. The power was out for over 2 hours so we had salmon on the grill and fate in the dark with the aide of green glow sticks that my dad keeps on hand.
2:44am
A guy followed by his wife and baby came up to me about an hour and a half ago asking me if we were hiring, he had a huge scar running from the bottom o his neck down into his chest and he said that he had had heart surgery 6 months ago and hadn't had a job since then. He asked about how to get hired and I told him everything I knew, he thanked me, shook my hand, and left.
About 20 minuets ago I saw him in hand cuffs being held with the police along with his wife while what I guess was one of their friends came and got the baby. Apparently his wife had been caught trying to steal stuff by stuffing it in her boots.
I felt bad for them before I saw that, I still feel bad for them after having seen it.
2/8/16 10:04am
Listening to: If I'm James Dean then your Audrey Hepburn by Sleeping with Sirens
Again, not a lot going on. Looking more into the whole creating a YouTube channel thing, debating on if and when I should get the Lumia 1520. I get the occasional comment from Sarah, which is always a good thing in my eyes; she isn't sick anymore, but she still doesn’t talk much…I would be lying if I said I didn’t think that the fire that once burned passionately between us is mainly burning from just me at this point.
Work was okay up until the last 2 and a half hours when I had little left to do and started thinking; despite knowing how bad that is. Anyway, I got depressed for the last few hours which made time slow to an agonizing crawl.
2/11/16 10:38am
Listening to: Here's to all the zeros by Marianas Trench
I am so glad Sarah is okay. Honestly, hearing from her makes me feel unbelievably happy. I know the header on this blog says its for a rather depressed young man, but today...for today that doesn't apply to me.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
JE#14
2/1/16 10:45am
Listening to: Jack Novak ft. Blackbear - If It Kills Me
Not much goes on, work and school are going semi smoothly for now, though Andrew and Sierra (the guy and girl from work mentioned in my last post) are still avidly trying to persuade me to do things that would get me laid, its becoming a little annoying, if not downright degrading. Andrew says every time I turn them down it only draws their pity for me, despite me telling him later that I don’t want his pity, or his and sierra's help/sex advice. Other than these occasional posts or times when I forget to distract my self I hardly think about it, and then they show up and make mention it almost every time we eat lunch together.
It has occurred to me that I should keep some kind of schedule with these posts, like the 1st and 14th of every month…but I don’t know why I would, its not like I have a following or anything for the depressing and dull shit I write…except for this one person who keeps 1+ing my posts on google plus. Not entirely sure what's up with that, my administrative properties as owner of this blog don’t allow me to see who it is. What evs though, its cool with me whether they keep doing that or not. Every one is welcome here, its just a matter of people not really caring or wanting to show up, which I cant blame them for.
Listening to: Jack Novak ft. Blackbear - If It Kills Me
Not much goes on, work and school are going semi smoothly for now, though Andrew and Sierra (the guy and girl from work mentioned in my last post) are still avidly trying to persuade me to do things that would get me laid, its becoming a little annoying, if not downright degrading. Andrew says every time I turn them down it only draws their pity for me, despite me telling him later that I don’t want his pity, or his and sierra's help/sex advice. Other than these occasional posts or times when I forget to distract my self I hardly think about it, and then they show up and make mention it almost every time we eat lunch together.
It has occurred to me that I should keep some kind of schedule with these posts, like the 1st and 14th of every month…but I don’t know why I would, its not like I have a following or anything for the depressing and dull shit I write…except for this one person who keeps 1+ing my posts on google plus. Not entirely sure what's up with that, my administrative properties as owner of this blog don’t allow me to see who it is. What evs though, its cool with me whether they keep doing that or not. Every one is welcome here, its just a matter of people not really caring or wanting to show up, which I cant blame them for.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
JE#13 TEMPTATIONS
1/27/2016 4:53am
Listening to: Uma Thurman by Fall Out Boy
Over the past 3 weeks we took on some newbies, one of my old acquaintances from highschool who went into the Navy but got kicked out over half way through basic because of migraines, and two girls.
The girl, who's name escapes me at the moment, is 22 but looks 17, white with brown hair and blonde highlights; they usually keep her in the dairy section. Short, she has to be just under 5 feet tall, and while not overtly attractive she isn't bad looking either.
So anyway, she and the guy I know from highschool have turned into "friends with benefits" the past few days, and while she says she isn't looking for a relationship we can both tell that He is slowly falling in love with her. I told her she should set him strait now because every day she waits is going to make his eventual heart brake worse.
That entire series of events brought about in me such an uprising of lustful thoughts that I have only ever experienced one other time, and I am ashamed of how I eventually acted on those feelings. I have only had sex with one person in my life, and I am incredibly disgusted with my self for how I manipulated that poor girl and eventually left her. It makes me remember what a horrible person I am.
The song that I am listening to now: Uma Therman by Fall Out Boy, is a song I will never forget. While I -------------------------------------------------. Everytime I hear it it forces me back to those brief moments, and everything I did that led up to it, how heartless I was in my deception, how cruel every smile I put on for her was.
I hate listening to it and usually change the station every time it comes on the radio, it makes me...uncomfortable. But I am forcing my self to listen to it now, hoping that remembering all of the things I did to Alexis will remind me of the consequences of my actions, and that I will --------------------------, never again be so cruel and uncaring with another persons heart.
This girl at work, I really shouldn't pursue her in any way whatsoever, I shouldn't even be having lunch with her because that might be too much for me as well. The temptations of lust and the wants of the body are great, I must find a way to resist them. For most of my days at work, the question of if its worth being a morally upstanding person in this world is really worth it, or if its better to live a life of sin and debauchery.
I still don't know.
Listening to: Uma Thurman by Fall Out Boy
Over the past 3 weeks we took on some newbies, one of my old acquaintances from highschool who went into the Navy but got kicked out over half way through basic because of migraines, and two girls.
The girl, who's name escapes me at the moment, is 22 but looks 17, white with brown hair and blonde highlights; they usually keep her in the dairy section. Short, she has to be just under 5 feet tall, and while not overtly attractive she isn't bad looking either.
So anyway, she and the guy I know from highschool have turned into "friends with benefits" the past few days, and while she says she isn't looking for a relationship we can both tell that He is slowly falling in love with her. I told her she should set him strait now because every day she waits is going to make his eventual heart brake worse.
That entire series of events brought about in me such an uprising of lustful thoughts that I have only ever experienced one other time, and I am ashamed of how I eventually acted on those feelings. I have only had sex with one person in my life, and I am incredibly disgusted with my self for how I manipulated that poor girl and eventually left her. It makes me remember what a horrible person I am.
The song that I am listening to now: Uma Therman by Fall Out Boy, is a song I will never forget. While I -------------------------------------------------. Everytime I hear it it forces me back to those brief moments, and everything I did that led up to it, how heartless I was in my deception, how cruel every smile I put on for her was.
I hate listening to it and usually change the station every time it comes on the radio, it makes me...uncomfortable. But I am forcing my self to listen to it now, hoping that remembering all of the things I did to Alexis will remind me of the consequences of my actions, and that I will --------------------------, never again be so cruel and uncaring with another persons heart.
This girl at work, I really shouldn't pursue her in any way whatsoever, I shouldn't even be having lunch with her because that might be too much for me as well. The temptations of lust and the wants of the body are great, I must find a way to resist them. For most of my days at work, the question of if its worth being a morally upstanding person in this world is really worth it, or if its better to live a life of sin and debauchery.
I still don't know.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
JE#12
1/16/2016 9:49pm
My overnight Manager is exchanging positions with the day shift manager, his mandatory year of nightshift rotation being over now, I guess. Can't say I like his replacement, she seems like a "everything by the book" kind of woman.
The changing of the Wal-Mart imperial guard, as it were.
1/18/2016 11:26am
Feeling incredibly lonely, wishing I had a wife to keep me company; but being poor, not even generally good looking, and without a car of my own isnt exactly helping either.
I should read more, take my mind off of it.
1/19/2016 11:36am
Listening to: 2016 Best Melodic Dubstep Mix [3 Hours]
Went driving the stick shift for a little bit to get some experience on my own. I think I did well. Only stalled twice, but didn't wreck. Was kind of freaking out the whole time, heart racing a little, too.
1/21/2016 10:31am
Listening to: How Far We've Come by Match Box 20
For the longest time all I can remember doing is waiting. Waiting to graduate from high school, waiting to get into the military only to hear that they wouldn’t take me, waiting to find a place that would hire me. Just waiting in general.
Waiting sucks.
When we move to Texas, and when I get my car, I am going to go out and do things for my self, by my self. I don’t know where I will go, what I will do, or who I will meet; but I do know one thing.
Staying here in this house all day and not doing anything except working and my online classes is no way to live. I want to go out there and see the world, I want to do cool things and meet cool people.
And I will, but for now, I have to wait on that too.
My overnight Manager is exchanging positions with the day shift manager, his mandatory year of nightshift rotation being over now, I guess. Can't say I like his replacement, she seems like a "everything by the book" kind of woman.
The changing of the Wal-Mart imperial guard, as it were.
1/18/2016 11:26am
Feeling incredibly lonely, wishing I had a wife to keep me company; but being poor, not even generally good looking, and without a car of my own isnt exactly helping either.
I should read more, take my mind off of it.
1/19/2016 11:36am
Listening to: 2016 Best Melodic Dubstep Mix [3 Hours]
Went driving the stick shift for a little bit to get some experience on my own. I think I did well. Only stalled twice, but didn't wreck. Was kind of freaking out the whole time, heart racing a little, too.
1/21/2016 10:31am
Listening to: How Far We've Come by Match Box 20
For the longest time all I can remember doing is waiting. Waiting to graduate from high school, waiting to get into the military only to hear that they wouldn’t take me, waiting to find a place that would hire me. Just waiting in general.
Waiting sucks.
When we move to Texas, and when I get my car, I am going to go out and do things for my self, by my self. I don’t know where I will go, what I will do, or who I will meet; but I do know one thing.
Staying here in this house all day and not doing anything except working and my online classes is no way to live. I want to go out there and see the world, I want to do cool things and meet cool people.
And I will, but for now, I have to wait on that too.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
JE#11
1/13/2016 6:19am
Listening to: Edge Of Heaven by Breath Carolina
I started my online college class on the 11th, Computer Concepts and all of that. Nothing much is happening...oh, my girl came back, kind of sort of. She is sick, says its probably tuberculosis or something like that in her lungs.
I try not to think about it.
Although its all going to be the same semester, I don't start my second class until march, and with less than half the semester to go, it will probably end up being very fast paced. You just know its going to be interesting to see how I manage to juggle that and work at the same time. I'm still saving up to buy a car, so far I have just a little under 4k stashed away, though I will most likely need around 6k to get something that isn't garbage. 10k would be preferable to get something decent, but that's unlikely.
Still kind of inwardly sad with things being the way they are, I miss my teenage romanticism.
Though no one has said anything (recently), I feel unwelcome here. I work, sure, but I can still see that my father is disappointed with me. Oh, he hasn't said anything (recently), and he still says he loves me and this last Sunday he even said he was proud of me. But proud of what? That his almost 20 year old son that had to be continuously pushed through highschool and into work and college is still living at home? Proud of me? C'mon man, I'm a failure in progress. Everyday I get older, my youth being wasted here, day after day waiting while everyone els I know is out there living. Waiting until the next paycheck, waiting to get off work, waiting to go to home and use my parents resources because I couldn't possibly afford any of it my self.
I'm looking out my window and can see light coming over the horizon and trees. Most nights I wish it would just stay dark for another 12 hours, or forever really. I'd rather not have to face the day.
1/14/16 3:04am
Listening to: Diary Of Jane by Breaking Benjamin
Yesterday I allowed my self to venture out of my comfort zone, and what an uncomfortable mistake that was. So it was probably like 11:30am yesterday when I got bored and decided to call one of the guys I am kind of okay with at work and talk to him, thinking that maybe it would alleviate my boredom.
Somehow, that ended up with him picking me up and taking me out and around with his friend and her 3 kids who also works at WalMart.
Needless to say I felt completely out of place, what with her screaming kids, their continuous and lavish use cursing, the car speakers ready burst as they pump out a mix of early 2000's rock, ICP, and expletive laced rap, among other similar songs.
Other than getting Mcdonalds for her kids, it didn't really seem like we had a destination as we rode around, nearly hit the car in front of us as we were slowing down, and illegally ferried non registered citizens in and out of the Ft Stewart military installation because my "friend" who came to pick me up didn't have a military ID and therefore hid in the truck as we went through the gate, which I'm pretty sure is a felony on all of our parts.
I probably wont be doing that too often in the future.
Listening to: Edge Of Heaven by Breath Carolina
I started my online college class on the 11th, Computer Concepts and all of that. Nothing much is happening...oh, my girl came back, kind of sort of. She is sick, says its probably tuberculosis or something like that in her lungs.
I try not to think about it.
Although its all going to be the same semester, I don't start my second class until march, and with less than half the semester to go, it will probably end up being very fast paced. You just know its going to be interesting to see how I manage to juggle that and work at the same time. I'm still saving up to buy a car, so far I have just a little under 4k stashed away, though I will most likely need around 6k to get something that isn't garbage. 10k would be preferable to get something decent, but that's unlikely.
Still kind of inwardly sad with things being the way they are, I miss my teenage romanticism.
Though no one has said anything (recently), I feel unwelcome here. I work, sure, but I can still see that my father is disappointed with me. Oh, he hasn't said anything (recently), and he still says he loves me and this last Sunday he even said he was proud of me. But proud of what? That his almost 20 year old son that had to be continuously pushed through highschool and into work and college is still living at home? Proud of me? C'mon man, I'm a failure in progress. Everyday I get older, my youth being wasted here, day after day waiting while everyone els I know is out there living. Waiting until the next paycheck, waiting to get off work, waiting to go to home and use my parents resources because I couldn't possibly afford any of it my self.
I'm looking out my window and can see light coming over the horizon and trees. Most nights I wish it would just stay dark for another 12 hours, or forever really. I'd rather not have to face the day.
1/14/16 3:04am
Listening to: Diary Of Jane by Breaking Benjamin
Yesterday I allowed my self to venture out of my comfort zone, and what an uncomfortable mistake that was. So it was probably like 11:30am yesterday when I got bored and decided to call one of the guys I am kind of okay with at work and talk to him, thinking that maybe it would alleviate my boredom.
Somehow, that ended up with him picking me up and taking me out and around with his friend and her 3 kids who also works at WalMart.
Needless to say I felt completely out of place, what with her screaming kids, their continuous and lavish use cursing, the car speakers ready burst as they pump out a mix of early 2000's rock, ICP, and expletive laced rap, among other similar songs.
Other than getting Mcdonalds for her kids, it didn't really seem like we had a destination as we rode around, nearly hit the car in front of us as we were slowing down, and illegally ferried non registered citizens in and out of the Ft Stewart military installation because my "friend" who came to pick me up didn't have a military ID and therefore hid in the truck as we went through the gate, which I'm pretty sure is a felony on all of our parts.
I probably wont be doing that too often in the future.
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