12/28/2015 9:13am
I wonder if its normal to just want to go off on someone when they make you mad, but of course in today's economy giving in to such an urge would easily get you fired.
So I'm off for today and tomorrow, but then I work 7 days straight, which is totally going to suck. Also: I have to get lessons from my dad on how to drive a stick shift, and I will need to have that mastered before the 11th of January.
12/29/15. 12:42pm
So for the past 2 days I have been learning how to drive a stick shift. At first my dad was teaching me, which is hard when he is yelling at me for every little thing I do wrong. His idea of teaching is that if you can learn how to do something when you have him with you (the equivalent of a Drill Sergeant), then you can do it anywhere under any circumstances.
I will admit though, while on paper that may sound good in theory, It does not, however, sound good when you are on the receiving end in practice.
So for the last two lessons, my brother who already knows how to drive stick has been teaching me, and under him I have made more progress.
12/30/15 9:04am
I just popped 3 Benadryl about 20 minuets ago so it should kick in here in half an hour or so and put me to sleep.
I have been thinking a lot about what I want in life and so far I have it down to these few things:
1. A loving wife.
2. A good paying job to provide for said wife and my self.
3. To build a family with my wife.
I think that would bring me happiness, everything els would just be a means to the above mentioned ends. What more could I ask for than a companion to share my life with? Someone special to love, to trust, to hold and adore. Someone I could have kids with.
That's my dream, the goal, really.
It seems so hard though, me being perceived as anti social, awkward, a general sarcastic asshole, and clingy by the only girl I have ever loved. Sometimes I think there is no one out there for me, but then I remember that there are over 7 billion people on earth, so its a rather unlikely thought.
Anyway, how does the saying go?
Fair heart never won fair lady.
THE JOURNAL OF A RATHER DISILLUSIONED YOUNG MAN. UPDATES NORMALLY ON THE 1st OF THE MONTH.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Saturday, December 26, 2015
JE#8
12/24/2015 8:15am
Listening to: Runaway by Late Night Alumni
I can hardly believe that this is real, that its already Christmas eve. Where did the last 6 months of my life go? All that time I've spent working at Walmart…it
Its like a dream. Where did it start? Where did it end? Its all the same under those harsh long rows of fluorescent lights.
I paid the $1635 for my two college classes yesterday, plus $50 for one of the textbooks I would need while I will get the other one later. Man, it sucked having all of that money coming out of my account at one time. Other than that I didn’t do much today, went to see the new Star Wars movie with my brother, and after that I haven't really done anything else except grind on World of Warships for a few hours here and there.
12/25/2015 9:38am
All quite on the western front.
Christmas was cool. Going to try and go to bed early so it wont suck as much going to work tonight to change everything over, lord knows that’s going to be awful.
Its nice to feel like a part of the family instead of just someone who lives here for a change.
12/26/15 2:38am
Listening to: Tidal Wave by Owl City
Apparently its that time of the year where I get sick again. Woke up after sleeping for 4 hours with a sore throat, went back to sleep and 3 hours later my alarm goes off and I notice its slightly worse, and now I feel like my body temperature is a bit hotter than usual. Unfortunately for me that means I have to start sucking on cough drops every hour to make the pain go away, and if things get really bad I will have to call out of work. The bastards have me working 7 days straight next week and I just know that's going to suck. While I'm here I might as well get some more Benadryl, I downed the last 300 tablet bottle over the last 5 months and I only have a few left. Wish my skin wasn't allergic to all of this cardboard or dust at work, I hate having to take medication unless I really need it. On the bright side, if I take one tablet an hour before I go to bed I don't have to wait the hour and a half it usually takes for me to gal asleep, now I fall asleep within 20-30 minuets and its more relaxing and deep. On the downside though, I don't think I want to risk building an immunity to it.
Listening to: Runaway by Late Night Alumni
I can hardly believe that this is real, that its already Christmas eve. Where did the last 6 months of my life go? All that time I've spent working at Walmart…it
Its like a dream. Where did it start? Where did it end? Its all the same under those harsh long rows of fluorescent lights.
I paid the $1635 for my two college classes yesterday, plus $50 for one of the textbooks I would need while I will get the other one later. Man, it sucked having all of that money coming out of my account at one time. Other than that I didn’t do much today, went to see the new Star Wars movie with my brother, and after that I haven't really done anything else except grind on World of Warships for a few hours here and there.
12/25/2015 9:38am
All quite on the western front.
Christmas was cool. Going to try and go to bed early so it wont suck as much going to work tonight to change everything over, lord knows that’s going to be awful.
Its nice to feel like a part of the family instead of just someone who lives here for a change.
12/26/15 2:38am
Listening to: Tidal Wave by Owl City
Apparently its that time of the year where I get sick again. Woke up after sleeping for 4 hours with a sore throat, went back to sleep and 3 hours later my alarm goes off and I notice its slightly worse, and now I feel like my body temperature is a bit hotter than usual. Unfortunately for me that means I have to start sucking on cough drops every hour to make the pain go away, and if things get really bad I will have to call out of work. The bastards have me working 7 days straight next week and I just know that's going to suck. While I'm here I might as well get some more Benadryl, I downed the last 300 tablet bottle over the last 5 months and I only have a few left. Wish my skin wasn't allergic to all of this cardboard or dust at work, I hate having to take medication unless I really need it. On the bright side, if I take one tablet an hour before I go to bed I don't have to wait the hour and a half it usually takes for me to gal asleep, now I fall asleep within 20-30 minuets and its more relaxing and deep. On the downside though, I don't think I want to risk building an immunity to it.
Monday, December 21, 2015
JE#7 THE AFTERMATH
12/21/2015 8:56am
Listening to: If You Could See Me Now by The Script
Isn't it amazing how you can have a relatively good day, and right before its over something happens to ruin all the good that was done? I am not particularly interested in describing what happened today, just know that I tend to stay in my room away from my family because when im around them it causes friction. Crap like that Is why I try not to be around you people, not because I don't love you, its because I'm so fucking tired of getting in trouble for telling it how it is and not having your habit of sugar coating everything as it comes out of my mouth.
Anyway, after the army failed to come through as my back up plan for the Navy, I eventually got a job at Walmart as an overnight stocker a little over 2 months after I graduated. Its definitely not the best job in the world, but it beats my old job at Popeyes Louisiana Chicken. Its not near as bad as the horror stories I read online while I was researching the company before I applied; but at least I have a job, the way the economy I right now, some people don't even have that. I thought I wouldn't be there more than a month, next thing you know its been over 6 months.
As of now I'm trying to go to college online to get an associates degree as a Networking Specialist, but its hard because at least for this semester I can only take two classes and I'm going to have to pay for it my self. I tried to get a loan but since I just got a credit card a month ago, I don't have any credit history and all of the institutions will only consider me if I get a cosigner, which my parents are smart enough not to take on for me. This semester is only going to run me $1553 so I am going to have to take the schools payment plan and put the rest on my credit card which has a limit of $2000. I can make the monthly payments, and hopefully by the end of this semester I will have a good enough credit history and score that I can get a loan so I can go to school full time.
I really do hope I will be eligible for loans after this spring semester is over, because I can't afford to keep putting the tuition and everything els on my credit card, I would only ever be able to take 2 classes per semester and I don't want to risk losing my job and and having to use my savings to pay off the debt because I can't afford to ruin my credit score. On top of all of that, there is the ever looming threat of me getting kicked out of the house, which then kicks me off base because I would no longer be a military dependant. On just over a $1000 a month in average wages from my job, I couldn't afford jack shit for affordable housing, not even mentioning that I barely know how to take care of my self.
…
On the relationship side of events, things with my long distance girlfriend always feel on the verge of falling apart. Hell, she hasn't talked to me in over a week which is abnormal, so it may be over now anyway, which is a type of sadness that I don't even want to think about at the moment. Sometimes I think I should just end it with her, I honestly don't know what we have to offer each other besides mutual (from me at least) love and affection.
God, man, I don't know what to do when it comes to her. She is the only girl I have ever really loved, and I mean love. Sure I have crushed on other girls before, every guy has, but her...she's my first real love. I know we can't let things stand the way they currently are between us (she may have even ended it already), but I don't believe I would know how to handle the heart wrenching pain of either me leaving her or her leaving me.
...
...
...
Women are cruel and unusual creatures, to have such sway over men's hearts and be so inconsiderate...
...I wonder if woman think the same about us.
Listening to: If You Could See Me Now by The Script
Isn't it amazing how you can have a relatively good day, and right before its over something happens to ruin all the good that was done? I am not particularly interested in describing what happened today, just know that I tend to stay in my room away from my family because when im around them it causes friction. Crap like that Is why I try not to be around you people, not because I don't love you, its because I'm so fucking tired of getting in trouble for telling it how it is and not having your habit of sugar coating everything as it comes out of my mouth.
Anyway, after the army failed to come through as my back up plan for the Navy, I eventually got a job at Walmart as an overnight stocker a little over 2 months after I graduated. Its definitely not the best job in the world, but it beats my old job at Popeyes Louisiana Chicken. Its not near as bad as the horror stories I read online while I was researching the company before I applied; but at least I have a job, the way the economy I right now, some people don't even have that. I thought I wouldn't be there more than a month, next thing you know its been over 6 months.
As of now I'm trying to go to college online to get an associates degree as a Networking Specialist, but its hard because at least for this semester I can only take two classes and I'm going to have to pay for it my self. I tried to get a loan but since I just got a credit card a month ago, I don't have any credit history and all of the institutions will only consider me if I get a cosigner, which my parents are smart enough not to take on for me. This semester is only going to run me $1553 so I am going to have to take the schools payment plan and put the rest on my credit card which has a limit of $2000. I can make the monthly payments, and hopefully by the end of this semester I will have a good enough credit history and score that I can get a loan so I can go to school full time.
I really do hope I will be eligible for loans after this spring semester is over, because I can't afford to keep putting the tuition and everything els on my credit card, I would only ever be able to take 2 classes per semester and I don't want to risk losing my job and and having to use my savings to pay off the debt because I can't afford to ruin my credit score. On top of all of that, there is the ever looming threat of me getting kicked out of the house, which then kicks me off base because I would no longer be a military dependant. On just over a $1000 a month in average wages from my job, I couldn't afford jack shit for affordable housing, not even mentioning that I barely know how to take care of my self.
…
On the relationship side of events, things with my long distance girlfriend always feel on the verge of falling apart. Hell, she hasn't talked to me in over a week which is abnormal, so it may be over now anyway, which is a type of sadness that I don't even want to think about at the moment. Sometimes I think I should just end it with her, I honestly don't know what we have to offer each other besides mutual (from me at least) love and affection.
God, man, I don't know what to do when it comes to her. She is the only girl I have ever really loved, and I mean love. Sure I have crushed on other girls before, every guy has, but her...she's my first real love. I know we can't let things stand the way they currently are between us (she may have even ended it already), but I don't believe I would know how to handle the heart wrenching pain of either me leaving her or her leaving me.
...
...
...
Women are cruel and unusual creatures, to have such sway over men's hearts and be so inconsiderate...
...I wonder if woman think the same about us.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
JE#6 INTRO AND BACKSTORY
12/12/2015 10:20am
Listening to: Centuries by Fall Out Boy
Hi, my name is...fuck it, we are going with the username on this one, my name is "Kilroy"; and if your reading this then welcome to the beginning of my metaphorical fall from grace.
You could be reading this years after I wrote it, which isn't as unreasonable as it sounds considering the blogs I found while contemplating a name for this one. One girl in particular, ran a blog on here back in 2007 called letters to the abyss, or: www.letterstotheabyss.blogspot.com
She was the first example I found of someone who was feeling as alone and isolated as I am. I don’t know her name and she only made a few posts, but its been over 8 years since she posted anything. Its maddening, really, never knowing what happened to her or if things ever got better, I would have loved to speak to her but she left no way to contact her. What grade was I in back in 2007?
I think the 6th, if I am not mistaken.
But hey, maybe everything turned out fine for her, and she turned into a beautiful swan just like she wanted.
Or maybe she killed herself.
Anyway, getting back on track here, was that she was wandering the maze that is life and here on this very blog hosting site she found a wall to scribble her most personal and cherished feelings before moving on. In doing that she made it possible for anyone who found her words to catch the briefest of glimpses into who she really was in those days behind the mask she put on for the world.
Maybe I am the only one who ever read everything she posted, sure a few thousand people got to her site by accident and skipped on to the next blog…but how many stayed? How many read what she had to say?
So maybe your reading this now and it’s the year 2015, or 2016, or even 2023.
Maybe your reading this now and you know who I was in these early turbulent years of my life.
Maybe no ones reading this, and maybe no one ever finds these scribblings of mine.
…
…
…
12/17/15 3:33am
Listening to: Nothing by The Script
So where to start this backstory no one cares about?
You will have to forgive me if I babble, the Benadryl may be fading but the effects are presently still with me.
I am 19 now, though I will be 20 in a few months….20 years old and the only good thing I have as of yet to accomplish is completing high school….wow, what great amazing things I have done. And I am still living with my parents? Really breaking through life's achievement list at this point, cant even begin to describe how exciting this is.
Originally from Texas, my parents divorced sometime when I was four. I'm told that usually the mother gets custody of the children in cases such as these, but since she was actually the problem my Father received full custody of me and my 2 year old brother. I don’t remember much from those days but what I do usually consisted of them fighting.
Since my dad was in the military we rarely got to see him, but when we did it was always a treat, or, at least that’s what it felt like when I was younger. Me and my brother spent most of our time with either our grandmother or our great grandmother while our father was on deployments, so they pretty much raised us. Sure dad was a big part of our life but he wasn’t there for a lot of it, though that’s definitely not his fault, and when he was there he largely acted as the authority figure. I both loved and feared him, but I think that’s kind of how it should have been.
I never really fit in with the other kids in elementary school, and that’s a trend that continued all the way to the end of high school. Early on I was placed into what technically known as an "alternative school", which is where they put most of the problem students, be their problem behavior, mental, or physical. Cant have the throwbacks mixed in with the general population you know, I cant help feeling sorry for all of my old classmates though; the indignity of how they were treated. Any way, I was misdiagnosed with ADHD when I was 6 or 7 so from then until I was 18 they had me on the most mind numbing medication, Lithium for example, the same shit used in batteries.
I did that for awhile, ran away from my home in Ft Hood Texas when I was 9; left in the middle of the night while it was raining with only pajamas, a little green hoody, a little backpack with my piggy bank that probably had about $6 in change inside of it, and no shoes or socks. They found me 3 hours later 5 miles from home off base in a ditch over by Game Crazy, what was the equivalent of Game Stop back the before the closed down. I was placed in several mental hospital, some multiple times. I wont bother with describing what happens in such places, except that at the end of my stay at each "hospital" it was concluded that my defiant behavior was not the result of any psychological condition, so they sent me home.
12/18/15 9:57am
Ultimately me and my father never really got along well together; sure there was a deep love between us just like there was between all fathers and their sons. But when we were together for too long and ran out of small talk the conversation usually turned to either how I never minded or how bad my grades were in school at the time, which caused altercations between us. Sometime during middle school I started to get grounded a lot, usually because of my grades in school where I was either a C- or F student. The classes that almost always got me where Math, anywhere mathematics was involved my grades sank like a rock thrown in a pond. I could do the simple stuff, but when they stared pulling out all of those formulas and equations I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I was, however, exceptionally good at anything that involved reading, so I usually aced all of my Literature classes. I remember always being into books, especially science or science fiction ones. I remember when I was in the 4th grade and they had these cases of 6 page books they would test the students literary ability with, and score them based on how many of the little books each student could get through before they either didn’t understand what they were reading or couldn’t pronounce the words as they got more complicated. Out of everyone in my class, my test was by far the longest as they had to keep getting more of the cases out because hardly anyone ever got that far. If I remember it right, most of the other kids only got through 2 or 3 of the books, while I went through 6 or 7.
I use to love reading all the time, I remember reading The House Of The Scorpions in the 5th grade although my teacher didn’t like it because she didn’t think I could understand it. Now that I have a job and pay my own phone bill with access to the internet its become hard for me to put it down and read some of the books I have on my shelf. When I was in the 7th grade I was introduced to porn by accident while on a school computer doing a project, though I don’t remember how exactly. Being the curious and naughty young child I was, I started searching for more of it, and got away with doing so for a day or two before my teacher decided to find out why I was spending so much time on the computer. Naturally my Dad and step mother flipped out when they were told, after that I was lucky to ever be able to access the internet at all even if it was for school work.
12/19/15 9:31am
Listening to: Everywhere by Tim McGraw
During the end of my sophomore year in high school I had my heart set on joining the United states Navy. I decided I would do everything I possibly could to get in, unlike any other goal I had ever set for my self I actually did. I got all of my grades up and took the ASVAB 3 times and got the over all scores of 77, 61, and ended with a 69. To put that into perspective for those that probably don’t know, the absolute minimum they can take you with is a 50.
So when I first went to the recruiting station and told them about how I was on medication, they told me I had to be off of it for a year and a doctors note saying I was good to go with out the meds before they could do anything, I didn’t think it was a big deal and said okay. Got my doctor to taper me off the meds and by march of my Senior year I had been off of them for over a year with my doctor signing off on a letter saying he didn’t see any reason why I wouldn’t be able to complete any entrance level training for the military. During the time I was waiting to be off the meds for a full year I started running; started off with doing 20 push ups every morning and night, eventually working my way up to twice that. Slowly but surely I noticed that my muscles in general were getting stronger.
Let me tell you, man, I was excited. More so for joining the Navy than I had been for anything else in my life. I watched all kinds of channels on YouTube from people who had either just joined or had been in for a few years. I watched so many videos about Basic at great lakes and got super hyped, know I would have been able to surpass every physical requirement when I got there. I was so ready, I couldn’t even explain it to you. I thought everything about it was cool, from being on a ship in general to the lifestyle to even the coffin locker style beds. Load me up on a ship and lets spend 4 months at sea, lets go!
Mid way through senior year I think I have everything under control, but I didn’t notice the red flags and warning signs that were starting to pop up those last few months, like how I had just got a complete copy of my medical records in the mail to give to the recruiter and it was almost two Inches thick.
That’s right, you read that correctly.
2 inches.
Of medical-record related paperwork.
…
Its got everything, every counselor's report regarding my mental health, every blood test result, every social worker report from when my parents got divorced, every school IEP meeting report from elementary all the way through early high school. I mean, if you can imagine it, it was probably in that stack of paperwork.
…
The recruiter took it of course, he probably thought if there was a snowballs chance in hell they would take this obviously fucked up teen (judging purely off the sight of 2inches of medical records) so he could make mission then he would take it.
After leading me on for almost half a year he finally told me that the doctors at MEPS wouldn’t even look at the paperwork because of how thick it was and that they just saw the doctors note that said I DIDN’T have ADHD and denied it saying something to the effect of, "ADHD denied, waiver not recommended."
Naturally I was devastated, still kind of am really. Being disqualified from the Navy automatically did the same thing for my back up option, the Marines, since they fell under the Navy.
4 months later the Army would tell me the same thing, and that, "Barring a jumpstart in the war on terror or world War 3, they wouldn’t be able to take me."
….
….
….
That was the final nail in my coffin, or the thing that sealed the deal, if you will.
I was stuck here in this horrible city of Hinesville, Georgia; with all of my hopes and dreams shattered and reality about to hit me like a tidal wave of wet cement.
Listening to: Centuries by Fall Out Boy
Hi, my name is...fuck it, we are going with the username on this one, my name is "Kilroy"; and if your reading this then welcome to the beginning of my metaphorical fall from grace.
You could be reading this years after I wrote it, which isn't as unreasonable as it sounds considering the blogs I found while contemplating a name for this one. One girl in particular, ran a blog on here back in 2007 called letters to the abyss, or: www.letterstotheabyss.blogspot.com
She was the first example I found of someone who was feeling as alone and isolated as I am. I don’t know her name and she only made a few posts, but its been over 8 years since she posted anything. Its maddening, really, never knowing what happened to her or if things ever got better, I would have loved to speak to her but she left no way to contact her. What grade was I in back in 2007?
I think the 6th, if I am not mistaken.
But hey, maybe everything turned out fine for her, and she turned into a beautiful swan just like she wanted.
Or maybe she killed herself.
Anyway, getting back on track here, was that she was wandering the maze that is life and here on this very blog hosting site she found a wall to scribble her most personal and cherished feelings before moving on. In doing that she made it possible for anyone who found her words to catch the briefest of glimpses into who she really was in those days behind the mask she put on for the world.
Maybe I am the only one who ever read everything she posted, sure a few thousand people got to her site by accident and skipped on to the next blog…but how many stayed? How many read what she had to say?
So maybe your reading this now and it’s the year 2015, or 2016, or even 2023.
Maybe your reading this now and you know who I was in these early turbulent years of my life.
Maybe no ones reading this, and maybe no one ever finds these scribblings of mine.
…
…
…
12/17/15 3:33am
Listening to: Nothing by The Script
So where to start this backstory no one cares about?
You will have to forgive me if I babble, the Benadryl may be fading but the effects are presently still with me.
I am 19 now, though I will be 20 in a few months….20 years old and the only good thing I have as of yet to accomplish is completing high school….wow, what great amazing things I have done. And I am still living with my parents? Really breaking through life's achievement list at this point, cant even begin to describe how exciting this is.
Originally from Texas, my parents divorced sometime when I was four. I'm told that usually the mother gets custody of the children in cases such as these, but since she was actually the problem my Father received full custody of me and my 2 year old brother. I don’t remember much from those days but what I do usually consisted of them fighting.
Since my dad was in the military we rarely got to see him, but when we did it was always a treat, or, at least that’s what it felt like when I was younger. Me and my brother spent most of our time with either our grandmother or our great grandmother while our father was on deployments, so they pretty much raised us. Sure dad was a big part of our life but he wasn’t there for a lot of it, though that’s definitely not his fault, and when he was there he largely acted as the authority figure. I both loved and feared him, but I think that’s kind of how it should have been.
I never really fit in with the other kids in elementary school, and that’s a trend that continued all the way to the end of high school. Early on I was placed into what technically known as an "alternative school", which is where they put most of the problem students, be their problem behavior, mental, or physical. Cant have the throwbacks mixed in with the general population you know, I cant help feeling sorry for all of my old classmates though; the indignity of how they were treated. Any way, I was misdiagnosed with ADHD when I was 6 or 7 so from then until I was 18 they had me on the most mind numbing medication, Lithium for example, the same shit used in batteries.
I did that for awhile, ran away from my home in Ft Hood Texas when I was 9; left in the middle of the night while it was raining with only pajamas, a little green hoody, a little backpack with my piggy bank that probably had about $6 in change inside of it, and no shoes or socks. They found me 3 hours later 5 miles from home off base in a ditch over by Game Crazy, what was the equivalent of Game Stop back the before the closed down. I was placed in several mental hospital, some multiple times. I wont bother with describing what happens in such places, except that at the end of my stay at each "hospital" it was concluded that my defiant behavior was not the result of any psychological condition, so they sent me home.
12/18/15 9:57am
Ultimately me and my father never really got along well together; sure there was a deep love between us just like there was between all fathers and their sons. But when we were together for too long and ran out of small talk the conversation usually turned to either how I never minded or how bad my grades were in school at the time, which caused altercations between us. Sometime during middle school I started to get grounded a lot, usually because of my grades in school where I was either a C- or F student. The classes that almost always got me where Math, anywhere mathematics was involved my grades sank like a rock thrown in a pond. I could do the simple stuff, but when they stared pulling out all of those formulas and equations I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I was, however, exceptionally good at anything that involved reading, so I usually aced all of my Literature classes. I remember always being into books, especially science or science fiction ones. I remember when I was in the 4th grade and they had these cases of 6 page books they would test the students literary ability with, and score them based on how many of the little books each student could get through before they either didn’t understand what they were reading or couldn’t pronounce the words as they got more complicated. Out of everyone in my class, my test was by far the longest as they had to keep getting more of the cases out because hardly anyone ever got that far. If I remember it right, most of the other kids only got through 2 or 3 of the books, while I went through 6 or 7.
I use to love reading all the time, I remember reading The House Of The Scorpions in the 5th grade although my teacher didn’t like it because she didn’t think I could understand it. Now that I have a job and pay my own phone bill with access to the internet its become hard for me to put it down and read some of the books I have on my shelf. When I was in the 7th grade I was introduced to porn by accident while on a school computer doing a project, though I don’t remember how exactly. Being the curious and naughty young child I was, I started searching for more of it, and got away with doing so for a day or two before my teacher decided to find out why I was spending so much time on the computer. Naturally my Dad and step mother flipped out when they were told, after that I was lucky to ever be able to access the internet at all even if it was for school work.
12/19/15 9:31am
Listening to: Everywhere by Tim McGraw
During the end of my sophomore year in high school I had my heart set on joining the United states Navy. I decided I would do everything I possibly could to get in, unlike any other goal I had ever set for my self I actually did. I got all of my grades up and took the ASVAB 3 times and got the over all scores of 77, 61, and ended with a 69. To put that into perspective for those that probably don’t know, the absolute minimum they can take you with is a 50.
So when I first went to the recruiting station and told them about how I was on medication, they told me I had to be off of it for a year and a doctors note saying I was good to go with out the meds before they could do anything, I didn’t think it was a big deal and said okay. Got my doctor to taper me off the meds and by march of my Senior year I had been off of them for over a year with my doctor signing off on a letter saying he didn’t see any reason why I wouldn’t be able to complete any entrance level training for the military. During the time I was waiting to be off the meds for a full year I started running; started off with doing 20 push ups every morning and night, eventually working my way up to twice that. Slowly but surely I noticed that my muscles in general were getting stronger.
Let me tell you, man, I was excited. More so for joining the Navy than I had been for anything else in my life. I watched all kinds of channels on YouTube from people who had either just joined or had been in for a few years. I watched so many videos about Basic at great lakes and got super hyped, know I would have been able to surpass every physical requirement when I got there. I was so ready, I couldn’t even explain it to you. I thought everything about it was cool, from being on a ship in general to the lifestyle to even the coffin locker style beds. Load me up on a ship and lets spend 4 months at sea, lets go!
Mid way through senior year I think I have everything under control, but I didn’t notice the red flags and warning signs that were starting to pop up those last few months, like how I had just got a complete copy of my medical records in the mail to give to the recruiter and it was almost two Inches thick.
That’s right, you read that correctly.
2 inches.
Of medical-record related paperwork.
…
Its got everything, every counselor's report regarding my mental health, every blood test result, every social worker report from when my parents got divorced, every school IEP meeting report from elementary all the way through early high school. I mean, if you can imagine it, it was probably in that stack of paperwork.
…
The recruiter took it of course, he probably thought if there was a snowballs chance in hell they would take this obviously fucked up teen (judging purely off the sight of 2inches of medical records) so he could make mission then he would take it.
After leading me on for almost half a year he finally told me that the doctors at MEPS wouldn’t even look at the paperwork because of how thick it was and that they just saw the doctors note that said I DIDN’T have ADHD and denied it saying something to the effect of, "ADHD denied, waiver not recommended."
Naturally I was devastated, still kind of am really. Being disqualified from the Navy automatically did the same thing for my back up option, the Marines, since they fell under the Navy.
4 months later the Army would tell me the same thing, and that, "Barring a jumpstart in the war on terror or world War 3, they wouldn’t be able to take me."
….
….
….
That was the final nail in my coffin, or the thing that sealed the deal, if you will.
I was stuck here in this horrible city of Hinesville, Georgia; with all of my hopes and dreams shattered and reality about to hit me like a tidal wave of wet cement.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
JE#5
12/5/2015 9:09am
So things got better for awhile. My girl came back, but that's another story.
I'm causing problems within the family again, this time just by being here. Graduated high school and the military wouldn't take me because of the crap my mother allowed to happen when I was a child, so my dream of joining the navy is gone.
Did I mention that already? I don't remember.
Now I have already sunk over $500 into a decent computer and some required software, and I put all of it onto my credit card I got a few weeks ago. The issue I happen to be causing today is that I will need their wifi for school when I start to take me degree classes online, and now my father is throwing his version of a fit over it. Says I need to go out and get a vocation or something because the free ride here is over so he and my step mom are fighting over that. I don't blame him of course, I am probably his biggest mistake with all of the things I have put him through. I'm the biggest stain on his life that I can think of, everything would be perfect without me always making a mess of things.
Its hard to stop thinking like that, but the suicidal thoughts that come with it are really hard to overcome. Needless to say I find them them almost acceptable, even doable sometimes. But always I turn away from them; its like hiding from a monster when it walks into a room. You turn around and try not to think about it, maybe it wont hurt you then.
...
...
...
Naturally I have thought about leaving. Not that I could go anywhere meaningful, mind you. All I have is a 75 liter backpack I got online and a rather large cumbersome sleeping bag rated for 0 degrees. I don't have any credit history so I couldn't sign a lease for any kind of place to stay in, I'm also limited in how far I can travel by foot to and from my job at WalMart as an overnight stocker. In affect I would be homeless. I wouldn't know how to survive or defend my self, or sleep I places where no one would bother me during the day.
Also, its the beginning of December, so its cold and only going to get colder.
I have thought about going to the nearest police station and first asking nicely if they would put me in prison where I would get 3 meals a day and a nit freezing cold bed, and if they would when I asked the first time I would do something minor to make them.
The idea of throwing all of my freedom, and any chance I would ever have for a better life doesn't exactly appeal to me.
This entire line of thinking is pretty depressing.
So things got better for awhile. My girl came back, but that's another story.
I'm causing problems within the family again, this time just by being here. Graduated high school and the military wouldn't take me because of the crap my mother allowed to happen when I was a child, so my dream of joining the navy is gone.
Did I mention that already? I don't remember.
Now I have already sunk over $500 into a decent computer and some required software, and I put all of it onto my credit card I got a few weeks ago. The issue I happen to be causing today is that I will need their wifi for school when I start to take me degree classes online, and now my father is throwing his version of a fit over it. Says I need to go out and get a vocation or something because the free ride here is over so he and my step mom are fighting over that. I don't blame him of course, I am probably his biggest mistake with all of the things I have put him through. I'm the biggest stain on his life that I can think of, everything would be perfect without me always making a mess of things.
Its hard to stop thinking like that, but the suicidal thoughts that come with it are really hard to overcome. Needless to say I find them them almost acceptable, even doable sometimes. But always I turn away from them; its like hiding from a monster when it walks into a room. You turn around and try not to think about it, maybe it wont hurt you then.
...
...
...
Naturally I have thought about leaving. Not that I could go anywhere meaningful, mind you. All I have is a 75 liter backpack I got online and a rather large cumbersome sleeping bag rated for 0 degrees. I don't have any credit history so I couldn't sign a lease for any kind of place to stay in, I'm also limited in how far I can travel by foot to and from my job at WalMart as an overnight stocker. In affect I would be homeless. I wouldn't know how to survive or defend my self, or sleep I places where no one would bother me during the day.
Also, its the beginning of December, so its cold and only going to get colder.
I have thought about going to the nearest police station and first asking nicely if they would put me in prison where I would get 3 meals a day and a nit freezing cold bed, and if they would when I asked the first time I would do something minor to make them.
The idea of throwing all of my freedom, and any chance I would ever have for a better life doesn't exactly appeal to me.
This entire line of thinking is pretty depressing.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
JE#4
10/15/2015 9:34am
Listening to: Amnesia by 5 seconds of summer
I just took 2 tablets of Benadryl even though I had one an hour or two ago, should put me to sleep in about half an hour. I am sad. Figures the only thing within reach that could give me a moments respite would be some form of drugs. At least I don't have to feel this while asleep, this pain in my heart.
And you know what's even more stereotypical than listening to a sad song while being sad? It's listening to a sad song while being sad about a girl.
Naturally its a beautiful day outside.
It's always about a girl isn't it?
Rhetorical question, don't answer that.
We haven't spoken in months and today I finally brought myself to delete every picture of her I have. What's sucks is that my mind knows this whole process is stupid, but my heart feels like this is the end of the world.
Funny, the situation im in. I could honestly laugh a little about how crappy this is; but all I wish I could do is sleep for months at a time. Let this crazy world wiz by while I just lay here and dream. Who needs them, who needs her? Fuck em all and their cruel heart-torturing ways.
...
...
...
Oh god, who am I kidding? I miss her so much it hurts why does it hurt why can't these tablets work faster so I don't have to feel this!?
Listening to: Amnesia by 5 seconds of summer
I just took 2 tablets of Benadryl even though I had one an hour or two ago, should put me to sleep in about half an hour. I am sad. Figures the only thing within reach that could give me a moments respite would be some form of drugs. At least I don't have to feel this while asleep, this pain in my heart.
And you know what's even more stereotypical than listening to a sad song while being sad? It's listening to a sad song while being sad about a girl.
Naturally its a beautiful day outside.
It's always about a girl isn't it?
Rhetorical question, don't answer that.
We haven't spoken in months and today I finally brought myself to delete every picture of her I have. What's sucks is that my mind knows this whole process is stupid, but my heart feels like this is the end of the world.
Funny, the situation im in. I could honestly laugh a little about how crappy this is; but all I wish I could do is sleep for months at a time. Let this crazy world wiz by while I just lay here and dream. Who needs them, who needs her? Fuck em all and their cruel heart-torturing ways.
...
...
...
Oh god, who am I kidding? I miss her so much it hurts why does it hurt why can't these tablets work faster so I don't have to feel this!?
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
JE#3
10/14/2015 4:59am
I want to say that I am dejected and morose, but I can't even claim that because I know I am not truly depressed. I am...tired. More so than physically, I mean emotionally. Tired of living the way I do, tired of looking at all of my possible futures and seeing how I become a slave to so many things be it wage or otherwise. I'm tired of always waiting, of waking up everyday with nothing to do but work, sleep, or "hang out" around the house or the base or computers. Since I graduated from high school in May I have been in a degenerative state mentally. I didn't want to go to college because I jacked around when I was in school, so now even with all of the discounts and not including books or anything els, I would have to pay close to $1000 before I even took a math class that mattered. As was predicted by everyone, I though I knew better.
So now that the navy has fallen through I wait for the army recruiter to call me back on the status of my enlistment packet. Despite how much I want to get into the military I am pretty sure I wont be able to get into the army either. Thanks mom, all of those useless doctors visits and loading me up on pills because you didn't want to actually take the time to raise me really paid off. Now I'm on the road to being just as broken as you if all els fails. 8:26am Dad just left to go to Spain for a month to train. I knew he was leaving soon but didn't find out until just a few hours before he left.
I want to say that I am dejected and morose, but I can't even claim that because I know I am not truly depressed. I am...tired. More so than physically, I mean emotionally. Tired of living the way I do, tired of looking at all of my possible futures and seeing how I become a slave to so many things be it wage or otherwise. I'm tired of always waiting, of waking up everyday with nothing to do but work, sleep, or "hang out" around the house or the base or computers. Since I graduated from high school in May I have been in a degenerative state mentally. I didn't want to go to college because I jacked around when I was in school, so now even with all of the discounts and not including books or anything els, I would have to pay close to $1000 before I even took a math class that mattered. As was predicted by everyone, I though I knew better.
So now that the navy has fallen through I wait for the army recruiter to call me back on the status of my enlistment packet. Despite how much I want to get into the military I am pretty sure I wont be able to get into the army either. Thanks mom, all of those useless doctors visits and loading me up on pills because you didn't want to actually take the time to raise me really paid off. Now I'm on the road to being just as broken as you if all els fails. 8:26am Dad just left to go to Spain for a month to train. I knew he was leaving soon but didn't find out until just a few hours before he left.
JE#2
10/9/2015 8:24am
Listening to: Running with the devil by Van Halen
Crap, the sleeping bag doesn't fit in the 75l backpack I bought. Luckily its only been a little over two weeks since I received which means I have two weeks left to return it and get my money back. Once I have my refund I will have to get a bigger bag, a 100l at least I should think. Having to strap the compressed sleeping bag to anything smaller would be too much of a hassle that would only cause me more problems.
Listening to: Running with the devil by Van Halen
Crap, the sleeping bag doesn't fit in the 75l backpack I bought. Luckily its only been a little over two weeks since I received which means I have two weeks left to return it and get my money back. Once I have my refund I will have to get a bigger bag, a 100l at least I should think. Having to strap the compressed sleeping bag to anything smaller would be too much of a hassle that would only cause me more problems.
JE#1
10/8/2015 5:17am
Listening to: This Is War by Thirty Seconds to Mars
I can't stay here forever. Parents don't want me here for any longer than I have to be, and the same goes for me. I'm stagnant now, my whole world is standing still and all I can do is wait. That's what my whole life seems like its about at this point. Waiting, I mean.
I...I honestly don't know where to begin. Do I start with where things went wrong? Because if so then I would have to start at the beginning, all the way back to when I was born. Or maybe farther? It would be unfair of me to pinpoint that specific location in time and space and say, "this here is where it all started, and it was all down hill from this point onward." Unfair to me, unfair to the world. Maybe to really tell you about where and when it all got derailed I would have to go way back, all the way to the beginning, to the fall of Adam and eve. But there is a whole book detailing that and its fallout.
I think I will just say...that we live in an imperfect world full of imperfect people. I know that sounds trivial but if you would just take a minute to think about that statement and all of its implications. Could you understand the gravity of it all? Could you really? Because most days I can barely wrap my head around how far and wide it goes.
-An IMPERFECT world.-
-Full of IMPERFECT people.-
That's 196.9 million square miles of FLAWS.
As of right now that's 7,277,752,758 human beings with FLAWS.
And people wonder why I am a pessimist.
Some people would say that these things are meaningless. But look at the world we have created. Full of war and strife. We have simultaneous outbreaks of both Obesity and Starvation.
I think these things mean everything.
This is the world I live in though, a world that I am a byproduct of. Im not saying its any one persons fault, although some people could definitely be said to hold more blame than others.
Listening to: This Is War by Thirty Seconds to Mars
I can't stay here forever. Parents don't want me here for any longer than I have to be, and the same goes for me. I'm stagnant now, my whole world is standing still and all I can do is wait. That's what my whole life seems like its about at this point. Waiting, I mean.
I...I honestly don't know where to begin. Do I start with where things went wrong? Because if so then I would have to start at the beginning, all the way back to when I was born. Or maybe farther? It would be unfair of me to pinpoint that specific location in time and space and say, "this here is where it all started, and it was all down hill from this point onward." Unfair to me, unfair to the world. Maybe to really tell you about where and when it all got derailed I would have to go way back, all the way to the beginning, to the fall of Adam and eve. But there is a whole book detailing that and its fallout.
I think I will just say...that we live in an imperfect world full of imperfect people. I know that sounds trivial but if you would just take a minute to think about that statement and all of its implications. Could you understand the gravity of it all? Could you really? Because most days I can barely wrap my head around how far and wide it goes.
-An IMPERFECT world.-
-Full of IMPERFECT people.-
That's 196.9 million square miles of FLAWS.
As of right now that's 7,277,752,758 human beings with FLAWS.
And people wonder why I am a pessimist.
Some people would say that these things are meaningless. But look at the world we have created. Full of war and strife. We have simultaneous outbreaks of both Obesity and Starvation.
I think these things mean everything.
This is the world I live in though, a world that I am a byproduct of. Im not saying its any one persons fault, although some people could definitely be said to hold more blame than others.
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