3/4/17 5:21pm
Listening to 2017 best of mrsuicidesheep seeking blue releases
So I'm on my way back from a hackathon in austin with some friends from school. Truth is we didn't do a whole lot, of hacking, it was more of an super fast intro to data and querying in the form of traffic data from sensors around austin Texas. The first work shop was terrible because I didn't have any terminal software on my windows computer, but since our ability to effectively participate was hampered so much we installed virtual box and powered up Ubuntu in a virtual machine on each of our laptops which would have allowed us to participate had we done it in time, but alas, it wasn't to be.
I don't know, really, I thought it was really interesting. Not the best hackathon in the world, but certainly a start.
Aside from having to steadily chug coffee monster drinks to stay awake to catch up on homework, there really isn't a whole lot going on.
Oh, got a new phone, the nomu s30 from China. It's an Android phone, and I think it's pretty awesome. Microsoft just kept letting me down, the windows phone had to go. Im still going to keep it around in case I ever need the great camera it has.
3/15/17 12:17am
I'm almost 3 weeks behind in my digital systems class, but a week ahead in my office class. I think I might have to drop this ds class, I just don't know…
3/26/17 10:18pm
Listening to: 24/7 Lofi HipHop Radio - Beats to Study & Relax
So it turns out I did end up dropping that class. Everything was fine up until half way into the semester before shit got real. Fell too far behind, and when I went to the teachers office to ask for help/discuss how realistic me passing was he wasn’t there and didn’t answer his phone. I figured I didn’t have time for this, dropped the class, and emailed him why. Will just have to take it again later in a face to face class.
My birthday was on the 17th, had a beer with dad, hated the beer. Bought some chocolate wine thinking I might like it, had half a glass before pouring the bottle in the sink after discovering that I don’t like drinks that taste like semi sweet cough syrup.
Thought I would never drink again until I found some hard root beer at my store, took it home saying "if I don’t like this then that’s it for me and alcohol."
I drank half the case of 6 that night.
Don’t get me wrong, I'm not going to turn into raging alcoholic, but I can see my self having a hard root beer every now and then.
That stuff is nice.
Finally registered my own domain and built website via blogger templates to host my professional blog/portfolio. Even started a YouTube channel to go along with it. Even set up a professional email to use as my main one instead of "kilroywashere21@gmail.com" Will eventually post things and make videos through those mediums related to my journey to become a software developer.
No I will not post links to any of those here.
Which leads me to my last point:
This will be my last journal entry.
Its been…an interesting ride…woah, I'm looking at my post archive now and it says I started back in October of 2015. So almost a year and a half.
Oh how time flies.
If I want to succeed in life I cant keep focusing time and energy on things that aren't helping me to become a better person. I have no need to look over my past, because not only is that not me anymore, its holding me back every time I waste time thinking about it when I could be thinking about who I could be and how to become that person. I will not forget the lessons I have learned since I started this blog, I would like to think that for the most part they have changed me for the better. But there is no use dwelling on the past.
Yesterday is over.
Tomorrow is almost here, and with it shall come new challenges.
Wish me luck.
Cheers :)
THE JOURNAL OF A RATHER DISILLUSIONED YOUNG MAN. UPDATES NORMALLY ON THE 1st OF THE MONTH.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
JE#34
Thursday, March 2, 2017
JE#33
2/9/17 12:00am
Down loading the Lord of War, "legally" of course.
It amazes me that piracy isn't a bigger issue than it is. God only knows how the music industry manages to stay alive.
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
JE# 32
1/3/17 11:20pm
Listening to Fragile (feat. Hailee Steinfeld)
For Christmas I got a raspberry pi 3, yesterday got a 1TB external hard drive from a pawn shop (previous owner didn’t wipe it before they sold it; meh, no viruses but I did go through their stuff…hey, their fault anyway, I tried to alert who I thought was the previous owner via Facebook to let them know but no response, nothing interesting on it anyway) and spent the time between then and now trying to get it to mount to the pi so I could use it as file server. Only just succeeded about an hour ago. Tomorrow I will start backing up all of my stuff. All in all, I think this was a great educational exercise. Would be nice to see if I can find someplace to print a custom case my new server…
1/4/17 10:04pm
Listening to 'On Pain' -Ernst Junker Book review by Better than food book reviews on YouTube
Backing up a lot of my stuff to my server, taking forever, but so far I have all of my music.
1/10/17 6:49pm
Listening to Indie-Folk Compilation 2014
Allergies combined with nasal congestion have pretty much ruined my day so far. I cant imagine where all of this damned mucus is stored in my head, or how many t-shirts I have had to use as handkerchiefs today. I went to bed at 12am and woke up at 5am because I couldn’t breathe out of my nose, it wasn’t as bad then as it is now; I am literally wearing a (clean) t-shirt tied around my head covering my nose like a bandanna to try and filter out what ever contamination is causing me to have such a bad reaction today, and speaking of allergies, isn't it way to damn early to be going through this?
Its only January!?
Downloading all of my music to my tablet right now through my server, about half way done and everything seems to be working fine.
Got my school books yesterday, was able to rent 2 of them through amazon which saved me about $200, but the rest of my books had to be bought from the school which cost $437. This semester will be the first time I take a full 4 classes, and despite my sudden onset of allergies I still plan to read the first 2 chapters or so of my books in an effort to get a head start. Already finished the first chapter out of my C++ book.
1/16/17 8:42pm
Lets say I finish my degree on time. I self study for a little while, maybe get a good junior position somewhere and start my career in IT.
Is that it?
Lets say I get a wife, we get married and live happily ever after.
Is that it?
Lets say I eventually get promoted, become well off financially and start a family by having a few kids.
Is that it?
Okay, lets say I fulfill my dream, eventually build my little fortress of solitude in some shape or form in some remote place where I can live out the rest of my days without relying on anyone else for anything.
Is that it?
Or maybe I get my own boat, sail around the world.
Is that it?
Will that, any of that, be enough?
I don’t know.
No matter what I imagine, I cant think of anything that would truly make me feel complete.
9:07pm
You know, a movie I have appreciated more every time I watch it is Watchman. I can not express how brilliant I think it is, on par with even the greatest of epics. I especially love what I consider to be the genius of the plight Doctor Manhattan. Its general depiction, though at times most excessive, of a dirty, gritty, and cruel society.
10:25pm
Listen to Tourist by Witt Lowry
School starts tomorrow. I'm…scared.
4 classes…
Cranking things into full gear now. Full steam ahead, there's much work to be done in such a short amount of time. Juggling a part time job with 32 hours a week at the max and 4 classes. I'm scared I wont make it, that I cant do it, that I wont be able to take it, that I might crumble under the weight or not be able to measure up. Hell, they say people have juggled full time jobs and raising a family while getting their degree, so why shouldn't I be able to complete this task I have undertaken?
Why do I feel so inadequate?
Why cant I be one of those guys that are like, "Fuck it, I got this no worries," and not question my own abilities? Why is it that no matter what I do or where I go I still feel like I don’t belong.
1/18/17 9:40pm
Listening to Galaxies by Owl City
Thank god I invested in a comfortable office chair! When not at school today I have spent almost all of my time home here in this chair, and I have to say that although my ass hurts it could be much worse had I bought some cheap garbage to sit in. So far I have read everything required to do the first round of lessons for my classes, the next few days will be focused on actually doing the work assignments them selves. I believe that my digital fundamentals class with its bread boards and wires will be the most complicated and hard to understand. That box kit full of a plethora of electrical components is so…daunting.
2/1/17 8:25pm
Dad caught me jerking off last week, so its been awkward as hell even though we have addressed the issue, severely behind on my reading assignments for class. Discovered Krista isnt really into sex (so she says), but that still doesn’t change the way I feel about her.
Listening to Fragile (feat. Hailee Steinfeld)
For Christmas I got a raspberry pi 3, yesterday got a 1TB external hard drive from a pawn shop (previous owner didn’t wipe it before they sold it; meh, no viruses but I did go through their stuff…hey, their fault anyway, I tried to alert who I thought was the previous owner via Facebook to let them know but no response, nothing interesting on it anyway) and spent the time between then and now trying to get it to mount to the pi so I could use it as file server. Only just succeeded about an hour ago. Tomorrow I will start backing up all of my stuff. All in all, I think this was a great educational exercise. Would be nice to see if I can find someplace to print a custom case my new server…
1/4/17 10:04pm
Listening to 'On Pain' -Ernst Junker Book review by Better than food book reviews on YouTube
Backing up a lot of my stuff to my server, taking forever, but so far I have all of my music.
1/10/17 6:49pm
Listening to Indie-Folk Compilation 2014
Allergies combined with nasal congestion have pretty much ruined my day so far. I cant imagine where all of this damned mucus is stored in my head, or how many t-shirts I have had to use as handkerchiefs today. I went to bed at 12am and woke up at 5am because I couldn’t breathe out of my nose, it wasn’t as bad then as it is now; I am literally wearing a (clean) t-shirt tied around my head covering my nose like a bandanna to try and filter out what ever contamination is causing me to have such a bad reaction today, and speaking of allergies, isn't it way to damn early to be going through this?
Its only January!?
Downloading all of my music to my tablet right now through my server, about half way done and everything seems to be working fine.
Got my school books yesterday, was able to rent 2 of them through amazon which saved me about $200, but the rest of my books had to be bought from the school which cost $437. This semester will be the first time I take a full 4 classes, and despite my sudden onset of allergies I still plan to read the first 2 chapters or so of my books in an effort to get a head start. Already finished the first chapter out of my C++ book.
1/16/17 8:42pm
Lets say I finish my degree on time. I self study for a little while, maybe get a good junior position somewhere and start my career in IT.
Is that it?
Lets say I get a wife, we get married and live happily ever after.
Is that it?
Lets say I eventually get promoted, become well off financially and start a family by having a few kids.
Is that it?
Okay, lets say I fulfill my dream, eventually build my little fortress of solitude in some shape or form in some remote place where I can live out the rest of my days without relying on anyone else for anything.
Is that it?
Or maybe I get my own boat, sail around the world.
Is that it?
Will that, any of that, be enough?
I don’t know.
No matter what I imagine, I cant think of anything that would truly make me feel complete.
9:07pm
You know, a movie I have appreciated more every time I watch it is Watchman. I can not express how brilliant I think it is, on par with even the greatest of epics. I especially love what I consider to be the genius of the plight Doctor Manhattan. Its general depiction, though at times most excessive, of a dirty, gritty, and cruel society.
10:25pm
Listen to Tourist by Witt Lowry
School starts tomorrow. I'm…scared.
4 classes…
Cranking things into full gear now. Full steam ahead, there's much work to be done in such a short amount of time. Juggling a part time job with 32 hours a week at the max and 4 classes. I'm scared I wont make it, that I cant do it, that I wont be able to take it, that I might crumble under the weight or not be able to measure up. Hell, they say people have juggled full time jobs and raising a family while getting their degree, so why shouldn't I be able to complete this task I have undertaken?
Why do I feel so inadequate?
Why cant I be one of those guys that are like, "Fuck it, I got this no worries," and not question my own abilities? Why is it that no matter what I do or where I go I still feel like I don’t belong.
1/18/17 9:40pm
Listening to Galaxies by Owl City
Thank god I invested in a comfortable office chair! When not at school today I have spent almost all of my time home here in this chair, and I have to say that although my ass hurts it could be much worse had I bought some cheap garbage to sit in. So far I have read everything required to do the first round of lessons for my classes, the next few days will be focused on actually doing the work assignments them selves. I believe that my digital fundamentals class with its bread boards and wires will be the most complicated and hard to understand. That box kit full of a plethora of electrical components is so…daunting.
2/1/17 8:25pm
Dad caught me jerking off last week, so its been awkward as hell even though we have addressed the issue, severely behind on my reading assignments for class. Discovered Krista isnt really into sex (so she says), but that still doesn’t change the way I feel about her.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
JE#31 MIGHT HAVE TO MOVE
12/13/16 1:12pm
Listening to Masterpiece Theater 1-3 by Marianas Trench
I know that I passed my Programming logic and design class with a 96, I'm still waiting on the other grades to be input by my teachers.
Dad made the promotions list, he is going to go to school for 9 months to become a sergeant major. At first we were all under the impression that we would all stay here while he left for school, kind of like a regular deployment, but Amy told me yesterday that its looking more and more like we will have to go with him. She said that as far as I am concerned, I could either come with them and transfer to a Walmart and college there, specifically to el paso community college. Or, I could stay here, but I would have to live on campus in the dorms. Living in the dorms would add an additional $1700 to my student loans every semester, which would rack up my total estimated student debt to a little over $20,000 if I finish my degree in 2 years.
I don’t want to move. I like the current job and school set up I have, and while they are not the best at least they are relatively stable. I have looked at the el paso community computer science degree plans, and they are a complete joke so that’s not an option at all, which means going with my family isn't an option at all.
Listening to 2016 Best Melodic Dubstep Mix
I will NOT be peer pressured into going 20K in debt by my parents just to appease them or make them happy if I choose to stay here.
Fuck that.
So that leaves me 2 options if they move, I either have to find a room to rent, preferably with 1 or 2 room mates to split rent down to a manageable level; or find a way to live in my car.
Honestly, as bad as it seems, I'm leaning more towards living in my car. By no means will it be easy, but I have a general Idea of how I could make it work.
My main motivation is to save money. As of now I can put away a little over $500 every month with the current hours my job gives me. The family wont leave until June/July so barring any unexpected major expenses I should be able to put away almost $3000 between now and then.
By far gas will be the largest expected increase in my budget. A few modifications will have to be made to my car, such as finding a way to put up mosquito net on a few of my windows so I can crack them at night to let air in but keep bugs out, and putting a pad down in the trunk that I can sleep on when I pull my back seats forward and down.
Showering can be easily taken care of by buying a monthly membership to a 24/7 gym with showers, so that will take care of hygiene for the most part.
A lot of other things will have to be done, but that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head at the moment.
Internet access will not really be a problem, my job has free wifi, as do my school and most libraries, and my phone plan has 3gb of 4G data and unlimited 2G data after that.
Electricity will be a minor hindrance, but with the help of a few portable large capacity power banks that I can charge at work and school (I have one 10,000mah already, I can easily get several better ones) it shouldn’t be too much of a big deal. I will need an address, so I will have to rent out a UPS mail box for the duration of this situation, which will solve the issue of needing an address I can use on official forms as well as getting mail.
I can sleep in my car, though I will have to do so in different places every night, never staying in the same place more than once per week, and changing the days I do decide to sleep there at random so as to not create any noticeable pattern. Great care will have to be taken to become as inconspicuous as possible. Might even need to tint the windows as much is legally allowed.
Food and food storage will be an issue. My eating habits will have to change since I will lose use of an easily accessible oven, microwave, refrigerator, and cabinet to store things in. Eating out extra isn't an option since the extra cost isn't worth the extra accessibility. My job has several microwaves, refrigerators, and a single toaster oven, so while I can store some things there and cook them it will be in a limited capacity. School also has a microwave in the student lounge, so there is that. I know I cant survive on junk, so buying it will have to be kept at a minimum while I buy more fruits, vegetables, and other things I can eat within a few hours unless its fine to store in my car for a few days such as canned foods. Staying healthy is a must.
Will have to keep the car clean and organized because I cant stand clutter, keep up with oil changes, insurance, and make sure the whole thing is taken care of and kept in good condition.
Overall, my lifestyle will have to change drastically, but aside from the initial investment in materials, supplies, etc., I only anticipate my monthly cost of living to go up, say, $150? And that’s being a tad bit overzealous.
In march when I turn 21 I can apply to get my concealed carry permit, then buy a handgun, but up until then I can carry a knife for protection since I am going to be on my own.
All in all, that’s $644 a month I will need to live in my car and carry on going to school and working.
….
….
….
Now, having said all of that, I could move with them…but I just think the whole thing would be detrimental to my education and job. Hell, I could even rent a room with a few people if I was okay with living paycheck to paycheck.
But I am not okay with that. I am soooooooooo not okay with any of that.
My parents have already expressed…great displeasure with my thoughts on living in my car. I don’t blame them, I think it sucks too. But unlike them, I think its much preferable to do this than go 20k in debt over a 2 year degree.
12/29/16 6:07pm
Listening to the tip of the iceberg by owl city
Christmas was great, though it seems to have come and go far too fast, even faster than last year. I got the raspberry pi 3 I wanted, and after 5 days of continuous failure I finally managed to turn it into a file server, albeit one that can (currently) only be accessed on our local network. I was deliberating over whether or not I wanted to add an external hard drive to it to boost the storage from the 16gb sd card it currently has, but what with my pending relocation here in 5 months I doubt it would be worth it. This was mainly meant to be an educational exercise more than anything else, but so far I have still managed to learn a few things while having my hand held by YouTube tutorials.
Even though school is out I am still trying to educate my self in my off time, for instance I am almost done watching a 6 hour video on YouTube about data structures and algorithms. When im done, I think I will get a small head start on my c++ class by watching some more tutorials by the same guy that helped me better understand HTML and css. Lord knows that taking 4 classes this semester is going to be painful.
…
Oh, if I disnt mention it yet, Deanna Holmes came back, she just didnt pay her phone bill or something along those lines.
Also, found out I passed my 3 classes with 2 A's and a B.
Listening to Masterpiece Theater 1-3 by Marianas Trench
I know that I passed my Programming logic and design class with a 96, I'm still waiting on the other grades to be input by my teachers.
Dad made the promotions list, he is going to go to school for 9 months to become a sergeant major. At first we were all under the impression that we would all stay here while he left for school, kind of like a regular deployment, but Amy told me yesterday that its looking more and more like we will have to go with him. She said that as far as I am concerned, I could either come with them and transfer to a Walmart and college there, specifically to el paso community college. Or, I could stay here, but I would have to live on campus in the dorms. Living in the dorms would add an additional $1700 to my student loans every semester, which would rack up my total estimated student debt to a little over $20,000 if I finish my degree in 2 years.
I don’t want to move. I like the current job and school set up I have, and while they are not the best at least they are relatively stable. I have looked at the el paso community computer science degree plans, and they are a complete joke so that’s not an option at all, which means going with my family isn't an option at all.
Listening to 2016 Best Melodic Dubstep Mix
I will NOT be peer pressured into going 20K in debt by my parents just to appease them or make them happy if I choose to stay here.
Fuck that.
So that leaves me 2 options if they move, I either have to find a room to rent, preferably with 1 or 2 room mates to split rent down to a manageable level; or find a way to live in my car.
Honestly, as bad as it seems, I'm leaning more towards living in my car. By no means will it be easy, but I have a general Idea of how I could make it work.
My main motivation is to save money. As of now I can put away a little over $500 every month with the current hours my job gives me. The family wont leave until June/July so barring any unexpected major expenses I should be able to put away almost $3000 between now and then.
By far gas will be the largest expected increase in my budget. A few modifications will have to be made to my car, such as finding a way to put up mosquito net on a few of my windows so I can crack them at night to let air in but keep bugs out, and putting a pad down in the trunk that I can sleep on when I pull my back seats forward and down.
Showering can be easily taken care of by buying a monthly membership to a 24/7 gym with showers, so that will take care of hygiene for the most part.
A lot of other things will have to be done, but that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head at the moment.
Internet access will not really be a problem, my job has free wifi, as do my school and most libraries, and my phone plan has 3gb of 4G data and unlimited 2G data after that.
Electricity will be a minor hindrance, but with the help of a few portable large capacity power banks that I can charge at work and school (I have one 10,000mah already, I can easily get several better ones) it shouldn’t be too much of a big deal. I will need an address, so I will have to rent out a UPS mail box for the duration of this situation, which will solve the issue of needing an address I can use on official forms as well as getting mail.
I can sleep in my car, though I will have to do so in different places every night, never staying in the same place more than once per week, and changing the days I do decide to sleep there at random so as to not create any noticeable pattern. Great care will have to be taken to become as inconspicuous as possible. Might even need to tint the windows as much is legally allowed.
Food and food storage will be an issue. My eating habits will have to change since I will lose use of an easily accessible oven, microwave, refrigerator, and cabinet to store things in. Eating out extra isn't an option since the extra cost isn't worth the extra accessibility. My job has several microwaves, refrigerators, and a single toaster oven, so while I can store some things there and cook them it will be in a limited capacity. School also has a microwave in the student lounge, so there is that. I know I cant survive on junk, so buying it will have to be kept at a minimum while I buy more fruits, vegetables, and other things I can eat within a few hours unless its fine to store in my car for a few days such as canned foods. Staying healthy is a must.
Will have to keep the car clean and organized because I cant stand clutter, keep up with oil changes, insurance, and make sure the whole thing is taken care of and kept in good condition.
Overall, my lifestyle will have to change drastically, but aside from the initial investment in materials, supplies, etc., I only anticipate my monthly cost of living to go up, say, $150? And that’s being a tad bit overzealous.
In march when I turn 21 I can apply to get my concealed carry permit, then buy a handgun, but up until then I can carry a knife for protection since I am going to be on my own.
All in all, that’s $644 a month I will need to live in my car and carry on going to school and working.
….
….
….
Now, having said all of that, I could move with them…but I just think the whole thing would be detrimental to my education and job. Hell, I could even rent a room with a few people if I was okay with living paycheck to paycheck.
But I am not okay with that. I am soooooooooo not okay with any of that.
My parents have already expressed…great displeasure with my thoughts on living in my car. I don’t blame them, I think it sucks too. But unlike them, I think its much preferable to do this than go 20k in debt over a 2 year degree.
12/29/16 6:07pm
Listening to the tip of the iceberg by owl city
Christmas was great, though it seems to have come and go far too fast, even faster than last year. I got the raspberry pi 3 I wanted, and after 5 days of continuous failure I finally managed to turn it into a file server, albeit one that can (currently) only be accessed on our local network. I was deliberating over whether or not I wanted to add an external hard drive to it to boost the storage from the 16gb sd card it currently has, but what with my pending relocation here in 5 months I doubt it would be worth it. This was mainly meant to be an educational exercise more than anything else, but so far I have still managed to learn a few things while having my hand held by YouTube tutorials.
Even though school is out I am still trying to educate my self in my off time, for instance I am almost done watching a 6 hour video on YouTube about data structures and algorithms. When im done, I think I will get a small head start on my c++ class by watching some more tutorials by the same guy that helped me better understand HTML and css. Lord knows that taking 4 classes this semester is going to be painful.
…
Oh, if I disnt mention it yet, Deanna Holmes came back, she just didnt pay her phone bill or something along those lines.
Also, found out I passed my 3 classes with 2 A's and a B.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
JE#30 FALL SEMESTER END
11/30/16 11:06pm
Listening to Ritual by Marshmello
Had the good fortune to discover 2 new music artists: Witt Lowry, thanks to Krista and Marshmello thanks to my brother.
I love the majority of both their music.
I had been thinking about getting my associates degree here at CTC and then trying for my bachelors at Texas A&M university, however, recently I have discovered a couple of things that will more than likely persuade me from do that.
First: Found out from my teacher that the majority of my computer science credits will not transfer to A&M, which is the majority of my degree plan. So if I did decide to transfer I might as well be starting from scratch.
Second: The cheapest per year cost of tuition and fees going full time is $10,034 as of 2016. So, at best I come out with a degree and over 40K in debt.
Third: My teacher explained that since A&M is a state run school, they have common core curriculum with is much more generalized in its teaching of subjects, where as CTC is almost like a technical school meant to reach you skills to prepare you for jobs and is more specialized in the subjects it does teach.
After carefully considering each of these points, I believe transferring to Texas A&M would be a bad decision, and a bad investment in my self. I feel I would rather be more confident in my skills and have less of a degree than be less confident in my skills and have more of a degree.
I believe that by studying hard through this degree, along with extensive self study/experimentation/projects afterwards will equip me with enough knowledge and real world experience to get a job.
Also: My teacher recommended that I apply for a lab assistant position that is now open through our school, they have two openings and he thought I might be a good fit. While I love the idea, I doubt I would be accepted because I don’t have a lot of experience, but who knows. It would be a nice way to get my foot in the door of the IT field, even if it was only one day a week.
Finals are almost over with, I just have a few more things to do and my first semester of "real" college will be done! Iv learned so much and come so far from where I was when I first started…it feels nice to be progressing again. Every now and then I go do school work on my computer in the student recreation center. Its full of other people my age just having a fun time, TVs playing the boomerang channel with old cartoons from our youth, pool tables, and various console systems for video games. I love being around so many people being happy, and contrary to popular belief all of the extra activity around helps me actually do my homework. I feel…motivated? I don’t know. Every now and then I even play a round of pool, and interacting with these people who don’t just look through me feels awesome.
…
Recently…Deanna's phone number was switched off. Maybe she didn’t pay the bill, or some other trivial thing happened like it broke or whatever. However, since I don’t know her email, and she deleted her facebook and tinder accounts a long time ago I no longer have a way to contact her…which is sad. I already miss talking to her, and hope she is okay.
I cant do much from my end, but she knows about this blog and could reach me through here if she really wanted too.
This whole event saddens me…
Work is going fine…a few hiccups here and there, just need to remember to keep my mouth shut and do my job.
…
Oh, one last thing: Decided to get all 4 of my car tires replaced since they were getting pretty bad, cost just over $400 which is great considering its barely half of what I thought it would be, but all in all still sucked. Meh….dad says to not complain about spending money on things that need to be done, and I do need to take care of my car so….at least the tires are raged for 60,000 miles!
Listening to Ritual by Marshmello
Had the good fortune to discover 2 new music artists: Witt Lowry, thanks to Krista and Marshmello thanks to my brother.
I love the majority of both their music.
I had been thinking about getting my associates degree here at CTC and then trying for my bachelors at Texas A&M university, however, recently I have discovered a couple of things that will more than likely persuade me from do that.
First: Found out from my teacher that the majority of my computer science credits will not transfer to A&M, which is the majority of my degree plan. So if I did decide to transfer I might as well be starting from scratch.
Second: The cheapest per year cost of tuition and fees going full time is $10,034 as of 2016. So, at best I come out with a degree and over 40K in debt.
Third: My teacher explained that since A&M is a state run school, they have common core curriculum with is much more generalized in its teaching of subjects, where as CTC is almost like a technical school meant to reach you skills to prepare you for jobs and is more specialized in the subjects it does teach.
After carefully considering each of these points, I believe transferring to Texas A&M would be a bad decision, and a bad investment in my self. I feel I would rather be more confident in my skills and have less of a degree than be less confident in my skills and have more of a degree.
I believe that by studying hard through this degree, along with extensive self study/experimentation/projects afterwards will equip me with enough knowledge and real world experience to get a job.
Also: My teacher recommended that I apply for a lab assistant position that is now open through our school, they have two openings and he thought I might be a good fit. While I love the idea, I doubt I would be accepted because I don’t have a lot of experience, but who knows. It would be a nice way to get my foot in the door of the IT field, even if it was only one day a week.
Finals are almost over with, I just have a few more things to do and my first semester of "real" college will be done! Iv learned so much and come so far from where I was when I first started…it feels nice to be progressing again. Every now and then I go do school work on my computer in the student recreation center. Its full of other people my age just having a fun time, TVs playing the boomerang channel with old cartoons from our youth, pool tables, and various console systems for video games. I love being around so many people being happy, and contrary to popular belief all of the extra activity around helps me actually do my homework. I feel…motivated? I don’t know. Every now and then I even play a round of pool, and interacting with these people who don’t just look through me feels awesome.
…
Recently…Deanna's phone number was switched off. Maybe she didn’t pay the bill, or some other trivial thing happened like it broke or whatever. However, since I don’t know her email, and she deleted her facebook and tinder accounts a long time ago I no longer have a way to contact her…which is sad. I already miss talking to her, and hope she is okay.
I cant do much from my end, but she knows about this blog and could reach me through here if she really wanted too.
This whole event saddens me…
Work is going fine…a few hiccups here and there, just need to remember to keep my mouth shut and do my job.
…
Oh, one last thing: Decided to get all 4 of my car tires replaced since they were getting pretty bad, cost just over $400 which is great considering its barely half of what I thought it would be, but all in all still sucked. Meh….dad says to not complain about spending money on things that need to be done, and I do need to take care of my car so….at least the tires are raged for 60,000 miles!
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
JE#29
10/9/16 12:33pm
Listening to
Epic Chillstep Collection 2016 [2 Hours]
From
I have to leave in less than half than hour to go to work, just wanted to write some things before I left, get back in the habit of jotting these down.
This past Wednesday in class we had this professor from a security class across the hall come in and give a short presentation on how to get tech internships over the summer, he struck me as someone really cool, one of the things he said was, "You should see what we are doing in the this other class, it illegal as hell." He was just so enthusiastic…I'm not sure if that class is required for my degree, but if its not I think I would like to take it anyway.
Have had to look at my car more closely lately, was pulled over last night coming home on base for a headlight that was out, went to AutoZone today and got it replaced. Need to take it to a mechanic that can have the whole thing looked over, just so I don’t have to live in blissful ignorance and worry about something breaking at the most inopportune time, plus I'm relatively sure the serpentine belt needs to be replaced. Its going to be expensive, but I would rather go ahead and get everything done and out of the way so I don’t have to worry about it.
Krista is sick, has been feeling crappy the past few days. Things between us have kind of slowed, but I would like to believe that its just holding steady.
I have come to think that after "we" are over and she leaves I wont go out of my way to find a relationship with someone else. Though I do crave companionship, I have school to worry about right now, plus it would undoubtedly be cheaper to be single, dates are the only thing (other than the recent issues with the car) that have been throwing my bi weekly budget for a loop.
Its not a terribly bad thing…I just need to focus on me for awhile, get my stuff taken care of. Its not like I will be alone again, there are plenty of friends at school and some at work I can talk to if I need to.
10/20/16 10:49pm
Listening to Cecilia and the satellite by someone whos name I don’t recall or care to look up
Had the car tuned up, good thing too because the serpentine belt had plenty of little cracks forming.
Things got a little tense at work this past week. I need to remember not to get too close to anyone, do what I am supposed to, and not get too comfortable.
10/23/16 11:11am
Listening to Just a dream by Nelly
It hasn’t even been a week and the car has already broken down. The serpentine belt they replaced is hanging off under the car. I can still use my brothers stick shift truck to get to work for today, but will find a way to have the car towed to the shop so they can fix it. In the event that they didn’t put a warranty on their work, I am going to be royally pissed and actually go out of my way to leave a bad review on yelp.
3:04pm
Got in trouble at work today, received my first coaching. It was my own fault, got too comfortable here and didn’t stay between the lines. I wrote something stupid, immature, and inappropriate on a claims tag for the reason the item broke. When they pulled me into the office I was so nervous, had no idea what they wanted. I was…reprimanded.
Wont make that mistake again.
10/31/16 11:12pm
Another Halloween come and gone. On my way back from school I saw a lot of people out trick or treating…I tried not to look at them too much other than not hitting them with the car. I have never seen that many people out and about here before, and I doubt I will again for a long while. I kept thinking to my self that they weren't real, not to me anyway. Not one of those people have a measurable worthwhile effect on my life. They are, all of them, just ghosts on a night made for ghosts.
That’s very pessimistic, but what do I care.
I just spent the last 3 hours or so watching episodes 1-8 of evangelion.
Time that I could have spent studying, but I guess that will be done tomorrow.
Such an inefficient waste of time…
I need to study more, I was getting real good at it for about a week, then messed up the past few days.
But I don’t just need to study, I need to LEARN.
Been thinking about getting a raspberry pi and setting up my own webserver to host a website I would eventually build, but with the cost of moving my parents internet over to a business account I might as well have my site hosted by someone other than my self.
It would be cheaper…
But that defeats the purpose of getting the pi, for experience with bare minimum computers, Linux, and a few other things.
So the web server turns out to be non-viable, oh well. It was worth a shot.
I can however, still build an ftp server out of one, my own personal networked attached storage if you will. Not exactly my first choice but it beats doing nothing. I have already demonstrated my use to my father in my ability to fetch a movie he wanted off the web for free. One of my friends told me that if you go to those annoying sites that say they have the movie but wont let you watch it without signing up, if you view their source code you can actually bypass the signup BS and download it straight from the files location in their HTML document. It’s a bit of a hassle to find the specific file and it takes a little more time, but its worked so far every time I have tried it.
I explained that to my brother earlier when he walked in as we watched some evangelion together and he thought it was the coolest thing in the world, said I was genius and wished he could do that.
I have to admit if you didn’t know what all of this was it might indeed sound super sexy and cool, but its kind of simple…not to make it sound easy, im just saying im not super cool for knowing how to do it.
…
…
…
Things with Krista seem kind of dead and or dying at the moment. Recently every time I have attempted to schedule a date or something for us to do together she either always has plans or doesn’t respond.
Im not mad, a little upset to tell the truth but I have grown a much thicker skin since Sarah. Krista has been really nice to me, she has shown me kindness, affection, and support. I was in a bad place before I found her, and she brought me out of it.
Im grateful for that.
She is still leaving, probably around march ish if not sooner. She was already accepted and everything, just waiting to ship. I don’t regret a single moment I have spent with her, and I am okay with letting her go. If its sooner than expected…I can be okay with that too.
Listening to
Epic Chillstep Collection 2016 [2 Hours]
From
I have to leave in less than half than hour to go to work, just wanted to write some things before I left, get back in the habit of jotting these down.
This past Wednesday in class we had this professor from a security class across the hall come in and give a short presentation on how to get tech internships over the summer, he struck me as someone really cool, one of the things he said was, "You should see what we are doing in the this other class, it illegal as hell." He was just so enthusiastic…I'm not sure if that class is required for my degree, but if its not I think I would like to take it anyway.
Have had to look at my car more closely lately, was pulled over last night coming home on base for a headlight that was out, went to AutoZone today and got it replaced. Need to take it to a mechanic that can have the whole thing looked over, just so I don’t have to live in blissful ignorance and worry about something breaking at the most inopportune time, plus I'm relatively sure the serpentine belt needs to be replaced. Its going to be expensive, but I would rather go ahead and get everything done and out of the way so I don’t have to worry about it.
Krista is sick, has been feeling crappy the past few days. Things between us have kind of slowed, but I would like to believe that its just holding steady.
I have come to think that after "we" are over and she leaves I wont go out of my way to find a relationship with someone else. Though I do crave companionship, I have school to worry about right now, plus it would undoubtedly be cheaper to be single, dates are the only thing (other than the recent issues with the car) that have been throwing my bi weekly budget for a loop.
Its not a terribly bad thing…I just need to focus on me for awhile, get my stuff taken care of. Its not like I will be alone again, there are plenty of friends at school and some at work I can talk to if I need to.
10/20/16 10:49pm
Listening to Cecilia and the satellite by someone whos name I don’t recall or care to look up
Had the car tuned up, good thing too because the serpentine belt had plenty of little cracks forming.
Things got a little tense at work this past week. I need to remember not to get too close to anyone, do what I am supposed to, and not get too comfortable.
10/23/16 11:11am
Listening to Just a dream by Nelly
It hasn’t even been a week and the car has already broken down. The serpentine belt they replaced is hanging off under the car. I can still use my brothers stick shift truck to get to work for today, but will find a way to have the car towed to the shop so they can fix it. In the event that they didn’t put a warranty on their work, I am going to be royally pissed and actually go out of my way to leave a bad review on yelp.
3:04pm
Got in trouble at work today, received my first coaching. It was my own fault, got too comfortable here and didn’t stay between the lines. I wrote something stupid, immature, and inappropriate on a claims tag for the reason the item broke. When they pulled me into the office I was so nervous, had no idea what they wanted. I was…reprimanded.
Wont make that mistake again.
10/31/16 11:12pm
Another Halloween come and gone. On my way back from school I saw a lot of people out trick or treating…I tried not to look at them too much other than not hitting them with the car. I have never seen that many people out and about here before, and I doubt I will again for a long while. I kept thinking to my self that they weren't real, not to me anyway. Not one of those people have a measurable worthwhile effect on my life. They are, all of them, just ghosts on a night made for ghosts.
That’s very pessimistic, but what do I care.
I just spent the last 3 hours or so watching episodes 1-8 of evangelion.
Time that I could have spent studying, but I guess that will be done tomorrow.
Such an inefficient waste of time…
I need to study more, I was getting real good at it for about a week, then messed up the past few days.
But I don’t just need to study, I need to LEARN.
Been thinking about getting a raspberry pi and setting up my own webserver to host a website I would eventually build, but with the cost of moving my parents internet over to a business account I might as well have my site hosted by someone other than my self.
It would be cheaper…
But that defeats the purpose of getting the pi, for experience with bare minimum computers, Linux, and a few other things.
So the web server turns out to be non-viable, oh well. It was worth a shot.
I can however, still build an ftp server out of one, my own personal networked attached storage if you will. Not exactly my first choice but it beats doing nothing. I have already demonstrated my use to my father in my ability to fetch a movie he wanted off the web for free. One of my friends told me that if you go to those annoying sites that say they have the movie but wont let you watch it without signing up, if you view their source code you can actually bypass the signup BS and download it straight from the files location in their HTML document. It’s a bit of a hassle to find the specific file and it takes a little more time, but its worked so far every time I have tried it.
I explained that to my brother earlier when he walked in as we watched some evangelion together and he thought it was the coolest thing in the world, said I was genius and wished he could do that.
I have to admit if you didn’t know what all of this was it might indeed sound super sexy and cool, but its kind of simple…not to make it sound easy, im just saying im not super cool for knowing how to do it.
…
…
…
Things with Krista seem kind of dead and or dying at the moment. Recently every time I have attempted to schedule a date or something for us to do together she either always has plans or doesn’t respond.
Im not mad, a little upset to tell the truth but I have grown a much thicker skin since Sarah. Krista has been really nice to me, she has shown me kindness, affection, and support. I was in a bad place before I found her, and she brought me out of it.
Im grateful for that.
She is still leaving, probably around march ish if not sooner. She was already accepted and everything, just waiting to ship. I don’t regret a single moment I have spent with her, and I am okay with letting her go. If its sooner than expected…I can be okay with that too.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
JE#28 MISTAKE
9/2/16 10:23pm
About an hour ago I made a terrible, morally wrong choice, and it cost me $100.
9/5/16 10:28pm
I do a lot of my best thinking when I have had 3 or more cups of coffee. It normally only lasts for under half an hour, after that my mind slows down again and I just have an elevated heart rate. I feel so much more alive on coffee, so full of artificial energy, my thoughts as well as my body moved faster…end then it ends and its back to boring useless old me. Coffee is great, not only for the caffeine but for the taste too; at least I think so. I have met some people who say that they not only don’t like coffee but that they hate it too.
I don’t understand them.
Is it weird that almost everytime I try to write one of these entries I have to stop my self from saying "not much has happened",? How boring is that.
How boring I am.
I am boring.
I wont try to deny it.
I work, I go to school, and generally try to spend the least amount of money possible, although I certainly don’t lack for wants. I want a lot of things. There are some things I REALLY want. But I don’t buy them because it would put me in a financial bond.
I have a lot of random thoughts. I don’t put most of them down here because they would be seen as totally random and unrelated…but my mind wanders and I don’t have much motivation to stop it.
Over simplification, over clarification; I try to avoid these things.
Most days I try to focus on the task at hand and not think about my self. Failing to do so usually leads to me thinking about…me, my past, my present, my possible futures…and its all very…disconcerting, if not downright depressing.
I remember the things I have done…
…
Im not depressed, mind you, Im just sad sometimes. Is it unusual that every time I think of my self saying im not depressed I immediately imagine some doctor saying "of course your not" as they write me a prescription for anti depressants or other mold stabilizers, and the thought tools me with anger because I HATE any medication like that.
I don’t think its unusual, not if you consider my background.
You know, I once had this guy I worked with on the nightshift comment that I always seemed so jovial because I was always smiling and cracking jokes and making people laugh. He said I always looked so happy.
I looked him dead in the eye with a straight face and said to him, "Im not happy, im incredibly sad." He looked confused, so I continued, "you don’t know me, what you see is a face, a mask I put on for the rest of the world because THAT is what you want to see."
10/4/16 8:19pm
Listening to All Time Low by Jon Bellion
Well this update certainly took 3 days longer than it was supposed to.
(precedes to not give any explanation for the late update)
For starters, made another $100 mistake a week or so ago, wasn’t too upset about it other than having to give up the money, this one being much better than the last one, but that’s a morality problem. Cant keep doing that because it’s a significant unnecessary drain on my financial resources, im risking my physical health every time I do (cant be lucky everytime) and theirs is the ever present danger of running into law enforcement.
Going to have to learn to live without it, which will be hard but not unmanageable. Hell, every other guy seems to live without it just fine.
Grades are good, I have in A in 2 of my classes and nothing in the other one because she apparently hasn’t felt the need to put anything into the grade book, but its what ever. Im confident im passing it though that sure as hell isn't based on my knowledge of the material.
Time management is the key to getting almost everything done correctly and on time, something that also happens to be the hardest to do. Curse those nights staying up until 11:30pm watching YouTube instead of going to bed on time!
Sleep is soooooooo something I need more of, me and every other working person.
Work is going well, no trials I haven't been able to handle thus far but I do need to watch my self and keep everything in line. My amount of scheduled hours over the past few weeks hasn't been the greatest, but im getting buy, still able to pay what few bills I have with at least $100 to put into savings. It should get better as the holidays pick up and there are more hours available.
A belt in my car engine will have to be replaced fairly soon, over the next couple of days for sure so says jiffy lube. I don’t know, im worried about it but dad says to take it to a real mechanic to have them look it over just to be sure. I don’t know near as much about my vehicle as I would like to, but I don’t have the money or time to get familiar with the parts and tools I would need to check it my self.
I got a cheap small 32 inch tv from a pawn shop to use as a display for my laptop, its great so far and I like it. Need to get a chair and a controller to go with it so I can sit at the desk and do everything comfortably, everything costs money though.
Side note, there was this lady that came into my store and started chatting me up, told me about this company she works for that needs team leaders in this area and blah blah blah blah. Researched her organization a few hours ago after she called me and it’s the usual pyramid scam. I kind of felt bad for telling her what I found and that I would be blocking her number. She seemed like such a nice old Mexican lady, but the overwhelming evidence against her organization was…well, overwhelming.
Meh, things are going smoothly so far, a few little bumps along the way but that’s par for the course.
About an hour ago I made a terrible, morally wrong choice, and it cost me $100.
9/5/16 10:28pm
I do a lot of my best thinking when I have had 3 or more cups of coffee. It normally only lasts for under half an hour, after that my mind slows down again and I just have an elevated heart rate. I feel so much more alive on coffee, so full of artificial energy, my thoughts as well as my body moved faster…end then it ends and its back to boring useless old me. Coffee is great, not only for the caffeine but for the taste too; at least I think so. I have met some people who say that they not only don’t like coffee but that they hate it too.
I don’t understand them.
Is it weird that almost everytime I try to write one of these entries I have to stop my self from saying "not much has happened",? How boring is that.
How boring I am.
I am boring.
I wont try to deny it.
I work, I go to school, and generally try to spend the least amount of money possible, although I certainly don’t lack for wants. I want a lot of things. There are some things I REALLY want. But I don’t buy them because it would put me in a financial bond.
I have a lot of random thoughts. I don’t put most of them down here because they would be seen as totally random and unrelated…but my mind wanders and I don’t have much motivation to stop it.
Over simplification, over clarification; I try to avoid these things.
Most days I try to focus on the task at hand and not think about my self. Failing to do so usually leads to me thinking about…me, my past, my present, my possible futures…and its all very…disconcerting, if not downright depressing.
I remember the things I have done…
…
Im not depressed, mind you, Im just sad sometimes. Is it unusual that every time I think of my self saying im not depressed I immediately imagine some doctor saying "of course your not" as they write me a prescription for anti depressants or other mold stabilizers, and the thought tools me with anger because I HATE any medication like that.
I don’t think its unusual, not if you consider my background.
You know, I once had this guy I worked with on the nightshift comment that I always seemed so jovial because I was always smiling and cracking jokes and making people laugh. He said I always looked so happy.
I looked him dead in the eye with a straight face and said to him, "Im not happy, im incredibly sad." He looked confused, so I continued, "you don’t know me, what you see is a face, a mask I put on for the rest of the world because THAT is what you want to see."
10/4/16 8:19pm
Listening to All Time Low by Jon Bellion
Well this update certainly took 3 days longer than it was supposed to.
(precedes to not give any explanation for the late update)
For starters, made another $100 mistake a week or so ago, wasn’t too upset about it other than having to give up the money, this one being much better than the last one, but that’s a morality problem. Cant keep doing that because it’s a significant unnecessary drain on my financial resources, im risking my physical health every time I do (cant be lucky everytime) and theirs is the ever present danger of running into law enforcement.
Going to have to learn to live without it, which will be hard but not unmanageable. Hell, every other guy seems to live without it just fine.
Grades are good, I have in A in 2 of my classes and nothing in the other one because she apparently hasn’t felt the need to put anything into the grade book, but its what ever. Im confident im passing it though that sure as hell isn't based on my knowledge of the material.
Time management is the key to getting almost everything done correctly and on time, something that also happens to be the hardest to do. Curse those nights staying up until 11:30pm watching YouTube instead of going to bed on time!
Sleep is soooooooo something I need more of, me and every other working person.
Work is going well, no trials I haven't been able to handle thus far but I do need to watch my self and keep everything in line. My amount of scheduled hours over the past few weeks hasn't been the greatest, but im getting buy, still able to pay what few bills I have with at least $100 to put into savings. It should get better as the holidays pick up and there are more hours available.
A belt in my car engine will have to be replaced fairly soon, over the next couple of days for sure so says jiffy lube. I don’t know, im worried about it but dad says to take it to a real mechanic to have them look it over just to be sure. I don’t know near as much about my vehicle as I would like to, but I don’t have the money or time to get familiar with the parts and tools I would need to check it my self.
I got a cheap small 32 inch tv from a pawn shop to use as a display for my laptop, its great so far and I like it. Need to get a chair and a controller to go with it so I can sit at the desk and do everything comfortably, everything costs money though.
Side note, there was this lady that came into my store and started chatting me up, told me about this company she works for that needs team leaders in this area and blah blah blah blah. Researched her organization a few hours ago after she called me and it’s the usual pyramid scam. I kind of felt bad for telling her what I found and that I would be blocking her number. She seemed like such a nice old Mexican lady, but the overwhelming evidence against her organization was…well, overwhelming.
Meh, things are going smoothly so far, a few little bumps along the way but that’s par for the course.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
JE#27
8/11/16 9:46pm
Tonight is going to suck more than usual, not just because I got about 2 hours of sleep but because these bruised muscles HURT.
That "fall" really was surprising.
I say "fall" because I would never tell anyone how I really got them. If I can make it through tonight I should be okay. The arms, especially my wrists are my main concern, over my legs which I thought would be worse but are now relatively okay.
8/17/16 12:27pm
Listening to Crossroad by Au5
Things are healing nicely, I barely feel any discomfort on the left forearm and my right wrist is okay as long as I don’t move it too wildly though I think the bone is more bruised than the muscle.
Still feeling like all im doing is existing….
Thursday is my last day on the night shift, then I have Friday off, then I start Saturday as a day shift stocker, my over night manager was really helpful about it.
Side note: I think when I grow old, if the whole getting a sail boat and traveling the world doesn’t work out…I will just get a backpack full of supplies, step on an unfamiliar road one day facing the sun set and just start walking. I don’t want to retire somewhere and just wait until my savings run out and die.
8/21/16 8:54am
Day shift is different. Im still basically stocking but over all it’s a lot less work than being over night, granted today will only be my second day so I cant speak with experience. Its still frustrating having to relearn how to do things, even more so now that I cant safely play my music while I work which has what made this job mentally bearable up until now. School starts tomorrow, but either today or tomorrow I will go over there before class to recon the area just so I can know where I am going before hand.
I don’t know really. This is all a lot different from what I am use to; maybe it will be better than before?
8/23/16 8:59pm
What do you think would be worse: Never doing something that’s as good as your capable of, or performing at your very best knowing you wont ever be able to do better?
Just a thought.
… … … …okay, not just a thought, more like a while train of thought, but that’s besides the point.
College is…certainly going to be stressful? I haven't even been to all of my classes yet and I can already tell its going to be a struggle with the amount of reading required alone. Officially I am already in the hole financially speaking, before I was able to pay off all of my credit card debt if I wanted to, but now with the onset of these student loans im in the negative and am projected to be about 8-9k in the red once I finish this degree, if I finish this degree. Terrible way of looking at things, I know, but I don’t exactly have a history of optimism.
I have been thinking more about what I want to do in life. I want to have some kind of meaning, some kind of purpose, but I don’t want to be just another slave, another cog in the societal/economic/corporate machine. I want to be…happy? What would make me happy? Immediate thoughts on the subject mostly just point to what is essentially escapism in one form or another. Most days I am hard pressed to find any position in todays modern society that would give me happiness, satisfaction, or just being able to be content with my life. It would seem that the only way to escape would be to just drop everything and flee into the wilderness on some kind of personal journey to find my self or something along those lines. The keyword that makes that whole plan fall apart though is "escape."
I don’t want to be in a situation where I would want to escape, because if I am then I cant find happiness there.
I know that all sounds messed up.
On the opposite side, im afraid of taking too long to discover my purpose in life for whatever I was put on earth to do. What if I don’t figure it out until im old and grey and crippled with old age? What if I never figure it out and live my whole life with indecision? What a waste that would be.
I don’t want to be a waste.
I don’t want to be a failure.
8/30/16 11:17pm
Well, my month supply of soylent is all gone, its going to be great to get back to real food again. I believe I have become a little better not only by how much I spend, but what I am spending it on. Im just trying to be more healthy.
Tonight is going to suck more than usual, not just because I got about 2 hours of sleep but because these bruised muscles HURT.
That "fall" really was surprising.
I say "fall" because I would never tell anyone how I really got them. If I can make it through tonight I should be okay. The arms, especially my wrists are my main concern, over my legs which I thought would be worse but are now relatively okay.
8/17/16 12:27pm
Listening to Crossroad by Au5
Things are healing nicely, I barely feel any discomfort on the left forearm and my right wrist is okay as long as I don’t move it too wildly though I think the bone is more bruised than the muscle.
Still feeling like all im doing is existing….
Thursday is my last day on the night shift, then I have Friday off, then I start Saturday as a day shift stocker, my over night manager was really helpful about it.
Side note: I think when I grow old, if the whole getting a sail boat and traveling the world doesn’t work out…I will just get a backpack full of supplies, step on an unfamiliar road one day facing the sun set and just start walking. I don’t want to retire somewhere and just wait until my savings run out and die.
8/21/16 8:54am
Day shift is different. Im still basically stocking but over all it’s a lot less work than being over night, granted today will only be my second day so I cant speak with experience. Its still frustrating having to relearn how to do things, even more so now that I cant safely play my music while I work which has what made this job mentally bearable up until now. School starts tomorrow, but either today or tomorrow I will go over there before class to recon the area just so I can know where I am going before hand.
I don’t know really. This is all a lot different from what I am use to; maybe it will be better than before?
8/23/16 8:59pm
What do you think would be worse: Never doing something that’s as good as your capable of, or performing at your very best knowing you wont ever be able to do better?
Just a thought.
… … … …okay, not just a thought, more like a while train of thought, but that’s besides the point.
College is…certainly going to be stressful? I haven't even been to all of my classes yet and I can already tell its going to be a struggle with the amount of reading required alone. Officially I am already in the hole financially speaking, before I was able to pay off all of my credit card debt if I wanted to, but now with the onset of these student loans im in the negative and am projected to be about 8-9k in the red once I finish this degree, if I finish this degree. Terrible way of looking at things, I know, but I don’t exactly have a history of optimism.
I have been thinking more about what I want to do in life. I want to have some kind of meaning, some kind of purpose, but I don’t want to be just another slave, another cog in the societal/economic/corporate machine. I want to be…happy? What would make me happy? Immediate thoughts on the subject mostly just point to what is essentially escapism in one form or another. Most days I am hard pressed to find any position in todays modern society that would give me happiness, satisfaction, or just being able to be content with my life. It would seem that the only way to escape would be to just drop everything and flee into the wilderness on some kind of personal journey to find my self or something along those lines. The keyword that makes that whole plan fall apart though is "escape."
I don’t want to be in a situation where I would want to escape, because if I am then I cant find happiness there.
I know that all sounds messed up.
On the opposite side, im afraid of taking too long to discover my purpose in life for whatever I was put on earth to do. What if I don’t figure it out until im old and grey and crippled with old age? What if I never figure it out and live my whole life with indecision? What a waste that would be.
I don’t want to be a waste.
I don’t want to be a failure.
8/30/16 11:17pm
Well, my month supply of soylent is all gone, its going to be great to get back to real food again. I believe I have become a little better not only by how much I spend, but what I am spending it on. Im just trying to be more healthy.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
JE#26
8/3/2016 2:05am
Sorry it took so long, just...not much going on. Again, I'm having to force my self to update this thing. Krista and I are still dating, and things are going nice on that front. We went to the pool last week and I am still shedding dead skin on my shoulders from that sunburn. I did get the financial aid and loans I needed to go to school and will be taking 3 classes: Intro to the internet, networking+, and programming logic and design. The last hurdle I have with that is to go to day shift, but the day shift manager is making the whole thing hard for me to the point in not sure if it will actually happen. If he doesn't give me the days off I need, or if he does but can't give me enough hours per week, then I will have to stay on nightshift with my manager who will give me those days off and just make it work somehow.
Oh, I don't know if I said anything about it but my phone screen cracked a few weeks ago when I dropped it. I ordered a new one online, but the tools they sent to take my old one off didn't fit (how unsurprising) and I had to order the t2 and t5 screwdrivers separately off of eBay. I have everything I need to fix it now: The screwdrivers, screen replacement, and heat gun to get the battery off. Now I just have to watch a few disassembly videos as I take it apart and hope I don't brick it in the process.
Anyway, I think I will start doing this on a monthly basis instead of biweekly now. Not enough interesting things happen biweekly for me to keep on with that, which is sad and shows just how fast my life is moving on without anything happening
Sorry it took so long, just...not much going on. Again, I'm having to force my self to update this thing. Krista and I are still dating, and things are going nice on that front. We went to the pool last week and I am still shedding dead skin on my shoulders from that sunburn. I did get the financial aid and loans I needed to go to school and will be taking 3 classes: Intro to the internet, networking+, and programming logic and design. The last hurdle I have with that is to go to day shift, but the day shift manager is making the whole thing hard for me to the point in not sure if it will actually happen. If he doesn't give me the days off I need, or if he does but can't give me enough hours per week, then I will have to stay on nightshift with my manager who will give me those days off and just make it work somehow.
Oh, I don't know if I said anything about it but my phone screen cracked a few weeks ago when I dropped it. I ordered a new one online, but the tools they sent to take my old one off didn't fit (how unsurprising) and I had to order the t2 and t5 screwdrivers separately off of eBay. I have everything I need to fix it now: The screwdrivers, screen replacement, and heat gun to get the battery off. Now I just have to watch a few disassembly videos as I take it apart and hope I don't brick it in the process.
Anyway, I think I will start doing this on a monthly basis instead of biweekly now. Not enough interesting things happen biweekly for me to keep on with that, which is sad and shows just how fast my life is moving on without anything happening
Thursday, July 14, 2016
JE#25
7/6/16 6:11am
Listening to The Feel Good Drag by Anberlin
It's been hard to force my self to do these journal entries lately, not much goes on, the last one was almost me saying "will update when something bad happens." Isn't it weird that I have no trouble doing these entries when things are going badly, but when things start to pick up and are great for awhile I have almost no interest in them. The 1st and 14th of the month seem like they are coming faster and faster these last 2 posts.
I guess I have no issue talking here when things suck, but when everything is running smoothly I would rather be out there living it than here talking about it.
Go figure.
Did I ever say I wrecked my car? I cant remember off the top of my head, but only the front light and side bumper are messed up; the light assembly replacement should be here either tomorrow or the day after, and I will fix the bumper with a drill and zip ties.
As for how things are going with Krista...they are great...which is a problem. I love how things are going, and I wish I could spend more time with her outside of our weekly dates...but she is leaving. I don't blame her for following her dreams and trying to go into the navy as an officer, if that's what makes her happy then how could I possibly be mad? By my calculations, if everything goes correctly she might be shipping off as soon as soon as January 2017, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened sooner. She wants to enjoy the time we have left together, and I do too but...after things ending so badly with Sarah only to find a perfect girl later who will only be here for a short time...it just sucks.
That would be my luck though.
I have thought about ending it, but in truth I don't want to. I know that as time goes on my feelings for her will only grow stronger and that will only make the separation all the more painful when it happens. Does that say something about me? That I am not strong enough to let go when I need to?
I don't know.
...
...
...
Tensions are a little high right now. My temporary tags expire the first of next month and the only way for me to get new ones is to pass a safety inspection...which I can't do until I replace my light and bumper in the next 2 days or so. I need to call my college and have them electronically send my transcripts to the college I am transferring to, and window of opportunity to do that is only getting smaller.
Haven't coded for a week or 2, got back into it a few hours ago to freshen up on it. Even if college works out the associates degree I would get wont land me a job on its own, i doubt i would have the experience for one either seeing as how this program only teaches 3 languages, one of which I will probably have to skip over for the other option of an programming internship at this company that the school offers. I think the fact that they offer that is pretty cool, and it will definitely help in regards to experience. So many languages to learn...its unreal.
On the 8th I go to the hospital for a physical and to schedule a bunch of other appointments to have some things taken off of my medical records. The recruiter says that I I can do that, then he can send it all the the army surgeon general, and if he signs off on it then I might have a fighting chance of getting I to the army. This is the last ditch effort as far as gettinginto military is concerned.
Listening to The Feel Good Drag by Anberlin
It's been hard to force my self to do these journal entries lately, not much goes on, the last one was almost me saying "will update when something bad happens." Isn't it weird that I have no trouble doing these entries when things are going badly, but when things start to pick up and are great for awhile I have almost no interest in them. The 1st and 14th of the month seem like they are coming faster and faster these last 2 posts.
I guess I have no issue talking here when things suck, but when everything is running smoothly I would rather be out there living it than here talking about it.
Go figure.
Did I ever say I wrecked my car? I cant remember off the top of my head, but only the front light and side bumper are messed up; the light assembly replacement should be here either tomorrow or the day after, and I will fix the bumper with a drill and zip ties.
As for how things are going with Krista...they are great...which is a problem. I love how things are going, and I wish I could spend more time with her outside of our weekly dates...but she is leaving. I don't blame her for following her dreams and trying to go into the navy as an officer, if that's what makes her happy then how could I possibly be mad? By my calculations, if everything goes correctly she might be shipping off as soon as soon as January 2017, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened sooner. She wants to enjoy the time we have left together, and I do too but...after things ending so badly with Sarah only to find a perfect girl later who will only be here for a short time...it just sucks.
That would be my luck though.
I have thought about ending it, but in truth I don't want to. I know that as time goes on my feelings for her will only grow stronger and that will only make the separation all the more painful when it happens. Does that say something about me? That I am not strong enough to let go when I need to?
I don't know.
...
...
...
Tensions are a little high right now. My temporary tags expire the first of next month and the only way for me to get new ones is to pass a safety inspection...which I can't do until I replace my light and bumper in the next 2 days or so. I need to call my college and have them electronically send my transcripts to the college I am transferring to, and window of opportunity to do that is only getting smaller.
Haven't coded for a week or 2, got back into it a few hours ago to freshen up on it. Even if college works out the associates degree I would get wont land me a job on its own, i doubt i would have the experience for one either seeing as how this program only teaches 3 languages, one of which I will probably have to skip over for the other option of an programming internship at this company that the school offers. I think the fact that they offer that is pretty cool, and it will definitely help in regards to experience. So many languages to learn...its unreal.
On the 8th I go to the hospital for a physical and to schedule a bunch of other appointments to have some things taken off of my medical records. The recruiter says that I I can do that, then he can send it all the the army surgeon general, and if he signs off on it then I might have a fighting chance of getting I to the army. This is the last ditch effort as far as gettinginto military is concerned.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
JE#24
6/30/16 12:32pm
Listening to: Have a Cigar by Pink Floyd
Things with Krista are going great, we went on our 6th date yesterday. Things could be worse at home, tensions are a little high going coming out of the summer semester of school going into fall. Had my first wreck a week or so ago, clipped the front end of a truck and messed up my passenger side light and bumper. In order for me to get my tags I have to take a safety inspection which I can't to until my replacement light gets here in a week or so. As for the bumper…im not willing to pay a few hundred dollars to have someone fix it, so a combination of super crazy glue, several drilled holes, and zip ties should take care of it. I didn’t buy the car for looks, so a cosmetic issue like that doesn’t really bother me.
I have an appointment July 8th so I can schedule some tests to say that I don’t have some things that were already done by civilian doctors but now have to be done by army doctors so I can send it to the recruiter. I don’t have high hopes for that, but at least its something.
Nothing bad has really happened lately, I love going on dates with Krista, and soon I will be going to day shift at work around the end of July, which will also make it easier to go to college full time. Im not too happy about going to cap team 2 and basically being an unloader, but it would serve to put me on a normal schedule, reconnect with my family (which may or may not be bad because it will mean more friction between me and everyone els), and more time to hang out with Krista.
Im trying to take it relatively slow with her, not making any unwanted advances. I won't lie, I certainly think about it from time to time, but I want to respect her, and my self for that matter. Im…happy with how things are at the moment…just hope she finds a job close by and doesn’t have to leave.
Listening to: Have a Cigar by Pink Floyd
Things with Krista are going great, we went on our 6th date yesterday. Things could be worse at home, tensions are a little high going coming out of the summer semester of school going into fall. Had my first wreck a week or so ago, clipped the front end of a truck and messed up my passenger side light and bumper. In order for me to get my tags I have to take a safety inspection which I can't to until my replacement light gets here in a week or so. As for the bumper…im not willing to pay a few hundred dollars to have someone fix it, so a combination of super crazy glue, several drilled holes, and zip ties should take care of it. I didn’t buy the car for looks, so a cosmetic issue like that doesn’t really bother me.
I have an appointment July 8th so I can schedule some tests to say that I don’t have some things that were already done by civilian doctors but now have to be done by army doctors so I can send it to the recruiter. I don’t have high hopes for that, but at least its something.
Nothing bad has really happened lately, I love going on dates with Krista, and soon I will be going to day shift at work around the end of July, which will also make it easier to go to college full time. Im not too happy about going to cap team 2 and basically being an unloader, but it would serve to put me on a normal schedule, reconnect with my family (which may or may not be bad because it will mean more friction between me and everyone els), and more time to hang out with Krista.
Im trying to take it relatively slow with her, not making any unwanted advances. I won't lie, I certainly think about it from time to time, but I want to respect her, and my self for that matter. Im…happy with how things are at the moment…just hope she finds a job close by and doesn’t have to leave.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
JE#23 MOVING ON
6/3/2016 2:55am
Listening to: Game Over by Falling in Reverse
Yesterday I stayed up an extra 3 hours to get my first car, a 2005 Kia with almost 88000 miles on it foe $4700 total. Its cool, though I can feel my legs vibrate when I get up into the 80mph range.
After watching a bunch of YouTube videos I finally managed to get the MinGW compiler to work, soon after I created, compiled, and executed my first "hello world" program.
6/12/16 10:43pm
Listening to Skrillex ft. Krewella -Breath (vocal edit)
A lot happened over the past 2 weeks regarding my ex. Started talking for a few days about everything that happened, was finally able to vent my frustrations. She is engaged to the new guy, but knows I could have ended her "happy ever after" before it ever really had a chance to take off. Her marriage, bearing his children, and her happily growing old with him...I could have crushed all of that, I held complete control over whether her future was bright and wonderful or dark and full of despair. We talked about that for a few days, what it would have meant and the obvious repercussions of it all if that's what I chose to do.
After talking about that for a few days...after I had her tell me all of her plans and long term goals ...I saw that she and the new guy both believed, really believed that after all of the terrible things that had happened to them through out their lives, that they had a decent chance to build something great together, to make a happy marriage that would last and lead a happy life.
Knowing that I was the only thing standing in their way, I was the one who actually decided if they would get the chance or not. I took a few minuets to think about her response where she laid everything out for me, her entire world she wanted to build without me...and it didn't make me angry like all of her other responses about him did.
I messaged her back and said:
"Have your happy ending then."
Listening to: Game Over by Falling in Reverse
Yesterday I stayed up an extra 3 hours to get my first car, a 2005 Kia with almost 88000 miles on it foe $4700 total. Its cool, though I can feel my legs vibrate when I get up into the 80mph range.
After watching a bunch of YouTube videos I finally managed to get the MinGW compiler to work, soon after I created, compiled, and executed my first "hello world" program.
6/12/16 10:43pm
Listening to Skrillex ft. Krewella -Breath (vocal edit)
A lot happened over the past 2 weeks regarding my ex. Started talking for a few days about everything that happened, was finally able to vent my frustrations. She is engaged to the new guy, but knows I could have ended her "happy ever after" before it ever really had a chance to take off. Her marriage, bearing his children, and her happily growing old with him...I could have crushed all of that, I held complete control over whether her future was bright and wonderful or dark and full of despair. We talked about that for a few days, what it would have meant and the obvious repercussions of it all if that's what I chose to do.
After talking about that for a few days...after I had her tell me all of her plans and long term goals ...I saw that she and the new guy both believed, really believed that after all of the terrible things that had happened to them through out their lives, that they had a decent chance to build something great together, to make a happy marriage that would last and lead a happy life.
Knowing that I was the only thing standing in their way, I was the one who actually decided if they would get the chance or not. I took a few minuets to think about her response where she laid everything out for me, her entire world she wanted to build without me...and it didn't make me angry like all of her other responses about him did.
I messaged her back and said:
"Have your happy ending then."
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
JE#22
5/15/2016 8:58am
Listening to: I took a pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
Sitting on this little bench by some trees on the side of a walkway by our hotel room. The family is getting ready for church, and with everyone being in a cramped space with one bathroom is causing the kind of chaos and easily ignitable tempers you would expect. I got tired of it, came out here to wait until they are all done and ready to go; its nice out here for now, the cool air is a little on the chilly side with a nice breeze just the way I like it, and I can hear children laughing in the background as they play in the playground at the park a few yards away.
5/18/2016
Listening to: Needle and Haystack Life by Switchfoot
The drive from Georgia to Texas was…uneventful. At my grandmothers house in Kilgore now, an old childhood home. Got here yesterday afternoon but we leave tomorrow. This place brings back memories, though most of them are about waiting for one thing or another. This house, these people, its all just another purgatory. I don’t belong here but I wont be long, just passing through.
I talked to my great grandmother who lives across the street, I asked about some of our extended family and how they are doing, talked about my childhood and some of the things that happened back then. It turns out, though not surprisingly, that a lot of them are in bad shape, be it physically or with the law. My little part of the family seems to be one of only a few outliers in all of this mess with how we are ding compared to everyone ells... Looking back at all of the crap we have been through, we, and me especially, could have been a whole lot worse off.
…
I still think about her every now and then. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
5/19/16 8:02pm
Made it to Fort Hood, this whole place has really been built up in the years I have been gone. Its beautiful...and yet it depresses me. Even now I have to fight to keep back the tears.
I don't belong here. My little brother and sister do, but I don't.
I was supposed to be off on my own with the military and only come back every now and then to visit and tell some adventurous stories of my trips. I...I failed at the one thing that would have made me into something worthy of this place, the one thing that would have allowed me a chance to redeem my self and make up for all of my stupid and terrible mistakes. I'm just tagging along because I failed there, sucked in highschool and couldn't get any scholarships. I'm tagging along because I'm just a nobody stock boy at WalMart that would be fucked if I couldn't rely on my family for support. I'm only here because someone felt enough pity for me to let me.
If my father wasn't military none of these people would give a damn about me, I would just be another civilian on the street and wouldn't warrant so much as a second glance.
5/25/16 5:28am
Listening to: Goodbye To A World by Porter Robinson
The store here is bigger than my old one, and I miss it. I miss my old managers who knew what I was worth and where I was useful. I miss being in a familiar place where I know where everything is and was respected and cherished for that knowledge.
I hate having to learn everything over again, they do things so differently here.
We have a house, and the movers were here yesterday to drop everything off. I still haven't unpacked everything and now its so crowded in my room
5/27/16 9:42pm
I am continually reminded that as a white person, I am the minority here. Not being racist or anything, it was true in Georgia too I guess, it just wasn't in my face as much as it is here. Lot of Hispanics here in Texas, but I shouldn't really be surprised, the Mexican American border is less than 300 miles away at its closest.
5/31/16 2:49pm
As of almost a week ago I have been seeing a girl named Krista, we go out for our second date tomorrow actually. She is pretty cool, likes a lot of the same things I do and is one of the few people I have seen who can out match me as far as reading books goes.
I like her. Just have to not like her too much too fast, historically that's always been an issue but I believe I am getting better at it.
...
Apparently all of my relevant records (medical, birth certificate, diploma) got misplaced during the move. Step mother says they are around here somewhere in a box that hasn't been opened yet, which is easy for her to say because I out them exactly where she told me to (on top of her stuff) before the movers showed up, and I saw her take them to put somewhere els and now they are missing with her being the last to have them; something I'm sure she will deny later once the issue is pressed further and they still don't turn up.
...
Work here is less stressful than at my old store, the extra people in every area really helps out and makes everything easier.
...
Trying to make this MinGW C compiler work for the programming book today, but maybe I'm just doing it the wrong way.
Listening to: I took a pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
Sitting on this little bench by some trees on the side of a walkway by our hotel room. The family is getting ready for church, and with everyone being in a cramped space with one bathroom is causing the kind of chaos and easily ignitable tempers you would expect. I got tired of it, came out here to wait until they are all done and ready to go; its nice out here for now, the cool air is a little on the chilly side with a nice breeze just the way I like it, and I can hear children laughing in the background as they play in the playground at the park a few yards away.
5/18/2016
Listening to: Needle and Haystack Life by Switchfoot
The drive from Georgia to Texas was…uneventful. At my grandmothers house in Kilgore now, an old childhood home. Got here yesterday afternoon but we leave tomorrow. This place brings back memories, though most of them are about waiting for one thing or another. This house, these people, its all just another purgatory. I don’t belong here but I wont be long, just passing through.
I talked to my great grandmother who lives across the street, I asked about some of our extended family and how they are doing, talked about my childhood and some of the things that happened back then. It turns out, though not surprisingly, that a lot of them are in bad shape, be it physically or with the law. My little part of the family seems to be one of only a few outliers in all of this mess with how we are ding compared to everyone ells... Looking back at all of the crap we have been through, we, and me especially, could have been a whole lot worse off.
…
I still think about her every now and then. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
5/19/16 8:02pm
Made it to Fort Hood, this whole place has really been built up in the years I have been gone. Its beautiful...and yet it depresses me. Even now I have to fight to keep back the tears.
I don't belong here. My little brother and sister do, but I don't.
I was supposed to be off on my own with the military and only come back every now and then to visit and tell some adventurous stories of my trips. I...I failed at the one thing that would have made me into something worthy of this place, the one thing that would have allowed me a chance to redeem my self and make up for all of my stupid and terrible mistakes. I'm just tagging along because I failed there, sucked in highschool and couldn't get any scholarships. I'm tagging along because I'm just a nobody stock boy at WalMart that would be fucked if I couldn't rely on my family for support. I'm only here because someone felt enough pity for me to let me.
If my father wasn't military none of these people would give a damn about me, I would just be another civilian on the street and wouldn't warrant so much as a second glance.
5/25/16 5:28am
Listening to: Goodbye To A World by Porter Robinson
The store here is bigger than my old one, and I miss it. I miss my old managers who knew what I was worth and where I was useful. I miss being in a familiar place where I know where everything is and was respected and cherished for that knowledge.
I hate having to learn everything over again, they do things so differently here.
We have a house, and the movers were here yesterday to drop everything off. I still haven't unpacked everything and now its so crowded in my room
5/27/16 9:42pm
I am continually reminded that as a white person, I am the minority here. Not being racist or anything, it was true in Georgia too I guess, it just wasn't in my face as much as it is here. Lot of Hispanics here in Texas, but I shouldn't really be surprised, the Mexican American border is less than 300 miles away at its closest.
5/31/16 2:49pm
As of almost a week ago I have been seeing a girl named Krista, we go out for our second date tomorrow actually. She is pretty cool, likes a lot of the same things I do and is one of the few people I have seen who can out match me as far as reading books goes.
I like her. Just have to not like her too much too fast, historically that's always been an issue but I believe I am getting better at it.
...
Apparently all of my relevant records (medical, birth certificate, diploma) got misplaced during the move. Step mother says they are around here somewhere in a box that hasn't been opened yet, which is easy for her to say because I out them exactly where she told me to (on top of her stuff) before the movers showed up, and I saw her take them to put somewhere els and now they are missing with her being the last to have them; something I'm sure she will deny later once the issue is pressed further and they still don't turn up.
...
Work here is less stressful than at my old store, the extra people in every area really helps out and makes everything easier.
...
Trying to make this MinGW C compiler work for the programming book today, but maybe I'm just doing it the wrong way.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
JE#21
5/7/16 4:35am
Listening to: Thy Unveiling by ICP
Yesterday I got my first compiler for C, Microsoft's Visual Studio 2015 community edition. I got it from this cool old guy I work with from the Philippines who use to code for 10 years. He let me use his instillation disk from a C++ book he bought last year but never really used. Now that I have the compiler I can start learning C in a practical way.
Funny how one of the main things that set me off on all of this computer stuff with vigor was the desire to fuck up HER digital life, but that wont be for a while now. The silent rage that induces is still with me, I keep it tucked deep inside for that time when I will really need it. And if for what ever reason I decide not to hack her, then at least on the plus side I have a few valuable skills.
The movers will be here next week, and all of the pictures in the house have been packed up already, leaving the walls of the house bare and feeling empty.
5/13/2016 9:11am
Listening to: The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls
The house is pretty much empty of all our stuff, and what is there has been boxed up by the movers. I have a bag with about a weeks worth of clothing, and another "technology bag" full of things like my laptop (god, I hope it doesn't break. I tried to pack it where it sits on top of all the heavy things instead of under them) my school psychology text book, my C coding book, tablet, PSP Vita, kindle, and various charging cables.
Yesterday was my last day working at this particular WalMart store 862, and I worked for 7 straight days in a row that last week to get a full 80 hour paycheck. On a similar note, today is the first day in 338 days I have been on a normal sleep schedule, yesterday I stayed up for a little over 23 hours to get back into sleeping at night and it sucked sooooooooooooooooooo much. I did get my transfer approved by my store manager but the store in Texas says they can't guarantee me a job until I actually get down there and talk to them, which sucks because that means there isa possibility that I will get there and all of there open slots are full meaning I wont have a job and will have to start looking for one. At this point we are just waiting on the movers to come and get the rest of the stuff so we can go to a hotel for two days before me and dad leave for Texas on the 16th.
9:01pm
Listening to: Lost Boy by Ruth B
After making a few matches on tinder I eventually came across one Deanna Holmes. We talked for a few weeks, and she's pretty cool. After that we exchanged numbers, she lives 63 miles away and is 4 years older than me, but its sad that its taken me all this time to find her...right as im about to move. We clicked pretty well and have no problem carrying on a conversation about anything and everything.
What a shame though, if things weren't the way they are I believe we could have really built something together.
Why are all of the best people either too far away or about to leave?
...
In this swanky military lodge hotel until the 16th. The room we all share is probably about 2 and a half times the size of my old one.
Listening to: Thy Unveiling by ICP
Yesterday I got my first compiler for C, Microsoft's Visual Studio 2015 community edition. I got it from this cool old guy I work with from the Philippines who use to code for 10 years. He let me use his instillation disk from a C++ book he bought last year but never really used. Now that I have the compiler I can start learning C in a practical way.
Funny how one of the main things that set me off on all of this computer stuff with vigor was the desire to fuck up HER digital life, but that wont be for a while now. The silent rage that induces is still with me, I keep it tucked deep inside for that time when I will really need it. And if for what ever reason I decide not to hack her, then at least on the plus side I have a few valuable skills.
The movers will be here next week, and all of the pictures in the house have been packed up already, leaving the walls of the house bare and feeling empty.
5/13/2016 9:11am
Listening to: The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls
The house is pretty much empty of all our stuff, and what is there has been boxed up by the movers. I have a bag with about a weeks worth of clothing, and another "technology bag" full of things like my laptop (god, I hope it doesn't break. I tried to pack it where it sits on top of all the heavy things instead of under them) my school psychology text book, my C coding book, tablet, PSP Vita, kindle, and various charging cables.
Yesterday was my last day working at this particular WalMart store 862, and I worked for 7 straight days in a row that last week to get a full 80 hour paycheck. On a similar note, today is the first day in 338 days I have been on a normal sleep schedule, yesterday I stayed up for a little over 23 hours to get back into sleeping at night and it sucked sooooooooooooooooooo much. I did get my transfer approved by my store manager but the store in Texas says they can't guarantee me a job until I actually get down there and talk to them, which sucks because that means there isa possibility that I will get there and all of there open slots are full meaning I wont have a job and will have to start looking for one. At this point we are just waiting on the movers to come and get the rest of the stuff so we can go to a hotel for two days before me and dad leave for Texas on the 16th.
9:01pm
Listening to: Lost Boy by Ruth B
After making a few matches on tinder I eventually came across one Deanna Holmes. We talked for a few weeks, and she's pretty cool. After that we exchanged numbers, she lives 63 miles away and is 4 years older than me, but its sad that its taken me all this time to find her...right as im about to move. We clicked pretty well and have no problem carrying on a conversation about anything and everything.
What a shame though, if things weren't the way they are I believe we could have really built something together.
Why are all of the best people either too far away or about to leave?
...
In this swanky military lodge hotel until the 16th. The room we all share is probably about 2 and a half times the size of my old one.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
JE#20
4/21/2016 9:55pm
Listening to: I Took a Pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
Last week one of the old ladies I work with, Mrs. Anastasia, quite after being here for over 14 years, said she just got tired of the bullshit. I don't blame her. It gets a little worse here every week, but I just have to endure it, though these seasonal allergies, sore throat, and runny nose are so not helping me.
4/26/15 9:44am
I'm at Ogeechee Technical college right now waiting to take my English final at 10am, I had to drive 40 something miles to get here...but its nice. I like the atmosphere, the buildings, the ornamental pond, the students and teachers, everything.
Its cool.
I'm in what I guess is some kind of common area full of chairs and, let me count them, 6 students around me. It feels so...strange. I do miss the school environment, but I feel so...i don't know. I know that after I finish this final I wont ever be coming back to this place, I wont ever see any of these people ever again, especially when I move on the 16th of May.
I feel sad about that.
I'm going to miss this place and these people I don't know.
4/27/16 1:30pm
Hello friend.
I'm sorry, just finished watching the entire first season of Mr Robot.
Not all on one sitting of course, but over the last week and a half.
Good show.
At least in my opinion, not that it matters.
Its pretty cramped in my closet, where I'm at right now.
Or it was, I am under the covers in my bed now. Parents were walking around the house, opening doors so I got out because it would be beyond awkward if they walked in and I wasn’t there and later had to explain why I wasn’t there.
So now I am here….
Doing nothing in particular.
1:44pm
I never do anything actually, not anything meaningful.
I could go on about that, but that's another pessimistic and depressing story.
I think about her sometimes, I try not to but every now and then, for what ever reason, she just pops into my mind.
Her and my replacement.
Can't fault him for that, he didn't know. I wonder if she will ever tell him.
How she chose him because I was way less convenient. Maybe she finally got fed up with me not ever being able to do anything that mattered too.
...
I have thought about getting in contact with him, it wouldn't be that hard. Sure, he didn't ever respond to me on facebook messenger, probably never actually read what I sent him in my first few days of heart ache, but there are ways around that.
It would only take a little social engineering.
I know where he lives, where he works, and a good idea of his schedule. It would only take a phone call, maybe 2, to his store to over there, give the manager there some BS story to go and get him on the phone. After that it would only take a few seconds to tell him everything, and whether or not he chose to believe I would be assured that he knew, that at least he heard.
I have thought about it several times, and reached for the phone a few more, but something always stops me.
I don't know what it is.
Is it because I don't want to ruin her? How does that make sense, while my intention is not explicitly to hurt her by doing this I do believe that the fallout would be of her own doing.
Is it because I don't think it would be fair for her or him? Since when does she care about fairness, and why should I? Will it be fair to him? I think he should know, I would want to know if I was him.
But I am not him. She wants nothing to do with me, but she loves him.
Every now and then I do a little bit of facebook stalking, but to be fair I think everyone really should have their profile set to private. I look through his posts, and its just so damn frustrating/heartbreaking/rage inducing. The other day he posted about things he is looking forward to, and 2 of them were marriage and kids.
I'm not stupid, I know they are having sex, and knowing her I can picture everything and its just so fucking terrible to think about. To know that she threw me away like I was a piece of trash after everything we went through, and to know she is looking forward to having his baby just as much if not more so than he is.
That just....words fail to convey the feeling that brings me.
And I want to lash out, and I could, so someone tell me why am I just sitting back here not doing a goddamn thing and letting it happen?!
...
I think...i think its because, deep down inside I know and understand that she isn't mine to love anymore. I mean I know that already but...maybe I haven't done anything because its not my place to interfere.
...
Went an hour away to my college for the first time yesterday to take a final because they wouldn't let me take it off site. It was pretty cool being at college, kind of swanky. I liked it. Kind of sad though, because once I move I will never be able to go there again.
Listening to: I Took a Pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner
Last week one of the old ladies I work with, Mrs. Anastasia, quite after being here for over 14 years, said she just got tired of the bullshit. I don't blame her. It gets a little worse here every week, but I just have to endure it, though these seasonal allergies, sore throat, and runny nose are so not helping me.
4/26/15 9:44am
I'm at Ogeechee Technical college right now waiting to take my English final at 10am, I had to drive 40 something miles to get here...but its nice. I like the atmosphere, the buildings, the ornamental pond, the students and teachers, everything.
Its cool.
I'm in what I guess is some kind of common area full of chairs and, let me count them, 6 students around me. It feels so...strange. I do miss the school environment, but I feel so...i don't know. I know that after I finish this final I wont ever be coming back to this place, I wont ever see any of these people ever again, especially when I move on the 16th of May.
I feel sad about that.
I'm going to miss this place and these people I don't know.
4/27/16 1:30pm
Hello friend.
I'm sorry, just finished watching the entire first season of Mr Robot.
Not all on one sitting of course, but over the last week and a half.
Good show.
At least in my opinion, not that it matters.
Its pretty cramped in my closet, where I'm at right now.
Or it was, I am under the covers in my bed now. Parents were walking around the house, opening doors so I got out because it would be beyond awkward if they walked in and I wasn’t there and later had to explain why I wasn’t there.
So now I am here….
Doing nothing in particular.
1:44pm
I never do anything actually, not anything meaningful.
I could go on about that, but that's another pessimistic and depressing story.
I think about her sometimes, I try not to but every now and then, for what ever reason, she just pops into my mind.
Her and my replacement.
Can't fault him for that, he didn't know. I wonder if she will ever tell him.
How she chose him because I was way less convenient. Maybe she finally got fed up with me not ever being able to do anything that mattered too.
...
I have thought about getting in contact with him, it wouldn't be that hard. Sure, he didn't ever respond to me on facebook messenger, probably never actually read what I sent him in my first few days of heart ache, but there are ways around that.
It would only take a little social engineering.
I know where he lives, where he works, and a good idea of his schedule. It would only take a phone call, maybe 2, to his store to over there, give the manager there some BS story to go and get him on the phone. After that it would only take a few seconds to tell him everything, and whether or not he chose to believe I would be assured that he knew, that at least he heard.
I have thought about it several times, and reached for the phone a few more, but something always stops me.
I don't know what it is.
Is it because I don't want to ruin her? How does that make sense, while my intention is not explicitly to hurt her by doing this I do believe that the fallout would be of her own doing.
Is it because I don't think it would be fair for her or him? Since when does she care about fairness, and why should I? Will it be fair to him? I think he should know, I would want to know if I was him.
But I am not him. She wants nothing to do with me, but she loves him.
Every now and then I do a little bit of facebook stalking, but to be fair I think everyone really should have their profile set to private. I look through his posts, and its just so damn frustrating/heartbreaking/rage inducing. The other day he posted about things he is looking forward to, and 2 of them were marriage and kids.
I'm not stupid, I know they are having sex, and knowing her I can picture everything and its just so fucking terrible to think about. To know that she threw me away like I was a piece of trash after everything we went through, and to know she is looking forward to having his baby just as much if not more so than he is.
That just....words fail to convey the feeling that brings me.
And I want to lash out, and I could, so someone tell me why am I just sitting back here not doing a goddamn thing and letting it happen?!
...
I think...i think its because, deep down inside I know and understand that she isn't mine to love anymore. I mean I know that already but...maybe I haven't done anything because its not my place to interfere.
...
Went an hour away to my college for the first time yesterday to take a final because they wouldn't let me take it off site. It was pretty cool being at college, kind of swanky. I liked it. Kind of sad though, because once I move I will never be able to go there again.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
JE#19
4/1/2016 9:51pm
Listening to Beautiful Times by Owl City
Riding in one of my coworkers car with me, him, and two other associates on our way towards a store half a mile away because they need extra people to help out. We did the same thing yesterday but apparently the day shift managers (the ones who asked me to go) are not on the same page as my nightshift manager, so they were flipping out thinking I just left or didn't show up when they needed me. Everything is cool now, I'm not going to get in trouble (so they say), although they did say that if I am offered a chance to volunteer at another store in the future to not go because they need me more.
I am kind of sorry that I put everyone in a bind, but I think that everyone should have known what was going on to begin with, and they really needed me here so bad that they should have called me and asked that I help out somewhere els.
I do need to start the whole transfer process sometime this week to the WalMart in Texas so I can go ahead and secure a job there.
4/7/16. 10:44am
Listening to Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson
It still hurts a little every time I think about her and everything that happened, but not as much as before.
I know its stupid to say but I have been on tinder the past few days, and talking to other girls has really lifted my self confidence.
4/12/16 11:17pm
Listening to: The Breach by Dustin Tebbutt
Considering that every time I go to work as an overnight stocker at WalMart I think I am going to be fired because of how bad I think I am at my job after having been there for 10 months and 4 days, yesterday I got my first official evaluation, and it was great.
My manager said I had become one of the "rocks" of overnight stocking and that I had scored above standard in everything; the only thing he said I needed to improve on was to "stop making pallets 12 feet tall," which is something I do only to minimize pallets that go to the back, and since I am 6ft 5 I can naturally stack things much higher than anyone els. Its annoying to the day shift because they always have to get a ladder to work on most pallets I create.
Over all, not much has happened.
Not much ever happens really.
In a little over a week I have to pay a little over $900 for my one summer psychology class, and the idea of again charging that much to my credit card unsettles me, but its what has to happen for now.
On another note, I did finally get my Lumia 1520 in red, though I suspect the battery may need to be replaced after as year or so, and there are a few light spots on the screen where I guess the LCD display shows through a little but its only noticeable when the screen is showing a predominantly white image. It came with a case, belt holster, and screen protector, so all in all I thinks its pretty good for only $140 off of eBay. I want to make it last as long as possible.
You can tell that we at moving in a month, the house already almost feels bigger/more empty even though we haven't packed anything yet. I will be leaving early to go with dad on the 16th so we can get a house by the time the rest of the family gets there, so that should be a pretty strained and awkward 15 hour car ride.
Once I get there, settle into my new job if they take me or find a new one if they don't, and get my car, then I will finally be able to go out and meet girls, explore, and live in general.
4/14/16. 1:27am
Listening to: Don't threaten me with a good time by Panic! At The Disco
The following is a thought I had yesterday:
"I think everyone is trapped in one way or another, everyone has their own ball and chain strapped to their ankles. For some its being stuck in a crummy low paying job because they decided to have unprotected sex resulting in 2 kids and very low disposable income. For others its financial debt keeping them where they are and preventing them from taking any risks in an attempt to move forward in life just so they can make their credit payment every month. Others are just stuck in unlucky or morally compromising situations that might have to do with family or friends always needing them.
What ever the case, most people just appear to get chained down by the system. Oh, your still "free" to do what ever you want, but who is really going to quite their job and try to find something better or do what they really love in life when there are extra mouths to feed, bills to pay, and obligations to fulfill?
I don't know,man, I really don't. I look around at my friends, family, and coworkers and I just think, "there has to be something better than this."
But is there?
The world we live in is getting harder, crueler, and more violent everyday.
Sure, I have a pretty cushy ride key words being For-Now. Free housing, utilities, and health insurance through my parents.
But it wont last. It just wont last.
I don't want to be trapped."
-
-
-
One of my friends just went through a brake up with her boyfriend, and I am helping her through it as best as I can because she helped me through mine. Her struggle to get through it will be much harder than mine, at least I have the option to try and forget about Sarah, but she has classes with this guy, works at the same place as him, had to confront his presence everyday.
Its hard watching someone you like go through this kind of thing. Back when me and her lived in the same neighborhood I would have tried to ask her out if she wasn't a little over 4 years my junior.
Haha, its funny that everyone I could possibly like is either too far away or too young.
Listening to Beautiful Times by Owl City
Riding in one of my coworkers car with me, him, and two other associates on our way towards a store half a mile away because they need extra people to help out. We did the same thing yesterday but apparently the day shift managers (the ones who asked me to go) are not on the same page as my nightshift manager, so they were flipping out thinking I just left or didn't show up when they needed me. Everything is cool now, I'm not going to get in trouble (so they say), although they did say that if I am offered a chance to volunteer at another store in the future to not go because they need me more.
I am kind of sorry that I put everyone in a bind, but I think that everyone should have known what was going on to begin with, and they really needed me here so bad that they should have called me and asked that I help out somewhere els.
I do need to start the whole transfer process sometime this week to the WalMart in Texas so I can go ahead and secure a job there.
4/7/16. 10:44am
Listening to Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson
It still hurts a little every time I think about her and everything that happened, but not as much as before.
I know its stupid to say but I have been on tinder the past few days, and talking to other girls has really lifted my self confidence.
4/12/16 11:17pm
Listening to: The Breach by Dustin Tebbutt
Considering that every time I go to work as an overnight stocker at WalMart I think I am going to be fired because of how bad I think I am at my job after having been there for 10 months and 4 days, yesterday I got my first official evaluation, and it was great.
My manager said I had become one of the "rocks" of overnight stocking and that I had scored above standard in everything; the only thing he said I needed to improve on was to "stop making pallets 12 feet tall," which is something I do only to minimize pallets that go to the back, and since I am 6ft 5 I can naturally stack things much higher than anyone els. Its annoying to the day shift because they always have to get a ladder to work on most pallets I create.
Over all, not much has happened.
Not much ever happens really.
In a little over a week I have to pay a little over $900 for my one summer psychology class, and the idea of again charging that much to my credit card unsettles me, but its what has to happen for now.
On another note, I did finally get my Lumia 1520 in red, though I suspect the battery may need to be replaced after as year or so, and there are a few light spots on the screen where I guess the LCD display shows through a little but its only noticeable when the screen is showing a predominantly white image. It came with a case, belt holster, and screen protector, so all in all I thinks its pretty good for only $140 off of eBay. I want to make it last as long as possible.
You can tell that we at moving in a month, the house already almost feels bigger/more empty even though we haven't packed anything yet. I will be leaving early to go with dad on the 16th so we can get a house by the time the rest of the family gets there, so that should be a pretty strained and awkward 15 hour car ride.
Once I get there, settle into my new job if they take me or find a new one if they don't, and get my car, then I will finally be able to go out and meet girls, explore, and live in general.
4/14/16. 1:27am
Listening to: Don't threaten me with a good time by Panic! At The Disco
The following is a thought I had yesterday:
"I think everyone is trapped in one way or another, everyone has their own ball and chain strapped to their ankles. For some its being stuck in a crummy low paying job because they decided to have unprotected sex resulting in 2 kids and very low disposable income. For others its financial debt keeping them where they are and preventing them from taking any risks in an attempt to move forward in life just so they can make their credit payment every month. Others are just stuck in unlucky or morally compromising situations that might have to do with family or friends always needing them.
What ever the case, most people just appear to get chained down by the system. Oh, your still "free" to do what ever you want, but who is really going to quite their job and try to find something better or do what they really love in life when there are extra mouths to feed, bills to pay, and obligations to fulfill?
I don't know,man, I really don't. I look around at my friends, family, and coworkers and I just think, "there has to be something better than this."
But is there?
The world we live in is getting harder, crueler, and more violent everyday.
Sure, I have a pretty cushy ride key words being For-Now. Free housing, utilities, and health insurance through my parents.
But it wont last. It just wont last.
I don't want to be trapped."
-
-
-
One of my friends just went through a brake up with her boyfriend, and I am helping her through it as best as I can because she helped me through mine. Her struggle to get through it will be much harder than mine, at least I have the option to try and forget about Sarah, but she has classes with this guy, works at the same place as him, had to confront his presence everyday.
Its hard watching someone you like go through this kind of thing. Back when me and her lived in the same neighborhood I would have tried to ask her out if she wasn't a little over 4 years my junior.
Haha, its funny that everyone I could possibly like is either too far away or too young.
Friday, April 1, 2016
JE#18 BETRAYAL
3/15/2016 1:05pm
Today dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday, even after I explained to him I was tired of getting into the conversations where I list off things I want but don't need and then get told how selfish and ungrateful I am for not appreciating all of the things I have. Its true, but I get tired of getting baited into the same trap. He kept asking, and eventually I said I don't know, and that I would buy my own birthday gifts, which mostly is just a Lumia 1520 and everything I need to make it work.
I have everything I ever wanted when I was a few years younger: some money, unlimited access to the internet, a computer of my own. But now that I have all of these things, I find that I am even less happy and less satisfied with my life.
3/17/2016 9:08am
Listening to: Guardian Angel by Abandon All Ships
Dad took me out to eat last night at the Pour House behind the plaza, it wasn’t near as awkward as I thought it would be and the food was great. He keeps telling me not to feel like a failure and that everyone has to start somewhere; he gave the usual story about how even he didn’t start out as a First Sergeant and that his first job was as a janitor.
We had a good time, though it would have been better if there wasn’t so much freaking pollen in the air.
I am a little apprehensive about getting older.
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3/29/16 10:47am
Listening to: I'm an Albatraoz by AronChupa
…Okay, we are going to talk about this…
Damn…fuck…FUCK.
FUCK!
On more than a few occasions in earlier posts I have referred to a girl named Sarah.
Sarah Walker to be exact.
She probably wouldn’t like that I put her last name on here, but compared to what I am not going to put on here, I think she will get over it. Not that she reads any of this anyway, so she wouldn’t really know I guess. This is all just wailing in the night as far as any of you (collectively referring to all of the people who will never read this, which is pretty much everyone) are concerned.
Shit…it still hurts to think about it, her…any of it.
I would really like to not talk about this.
But I think if I don’t put it out there, out here, on here, in this sea of useless information that is the web and all of its contents, that if I don’t send this out there in the make shift "message in a bottle" that is this blog post…that it will eat me alive. It gives me little panic attacks every time I think about her, my heart starts to pound in my chest and I have to take several deep breaths to regain my composure.
-So here we go.
Sarah and I have been in a long distance relationship since December 8th, 2011, and it ended on March 18th, 2016 at around 2:30am. On the night of my 20th birthday, I got a message through Facebook asking if I knew her, and since I didn’t know she had a Facebook account I naturally followed the link to her profile.
Everything was as I expected it to be…until I noticed her relationship status was with someone els.
When I asked her about it, she blocked my phone number and told me that this was goodbye.
That blew my mind, and destroyed my world.
Eventually, she told me everything through google hangouts ( a site she led me to months ago so we could talk more often). Basically, around October of 2015 we went through a little over a month of her not speaking to me, and at the time I was ready to give her up thinking she had found someone els (which I now know to be true) and that I had accepted that.
I still don’t know why she couldn’t have told me then. That was her one chance to let all of this go down peacefully.
Instead she told me that everything was fine, and that she hadn't been seeing anyone els, that she still loved me and wanted to remain together. I didn’t know it then, but she was lying.
…There goes the sped up heart beat again.
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So that right there, was the signal to an end to 4.27 years of my life that was wasted on her.
I don’t think I have really dealt with most of the heartache yet, ever since the initial impact and shock, I have mostly been able to avoid it by distracting my self either through work, school, video games, or sleep, and if I have too much time on my hands and I cant sleep or find my self thinking about her, I pop 5 25mg tablets of Benadryl and that sends knocks me out within the hour. Ever since this happened though, I cant sleep for near as long as I use to, I went from almost 12 hours easy to barely 7 or 8.
I still don’t know what I am really going to do with my life now. Before this happened, she and I had planned everything together and engineered our whole lives around each other.
We had plans, man. I was going to move up there to Indiana with her, we were going to get an apartment together, finally be together, and get married like we had always talked about. Shit was serious, and the only enemy was time; but for over 4 years it was us against the world as we both fought for so long to make this work, and we were less than half a year from everything coming together after so long.
And then this happened.
Now I don’t really have any plans, or at least, none that I am taking or thinking about seriously. Sure, there is the college and the classes I am taking right now for my associates degree, but at the rate that I am taking them (which is only 1 per semester, because that’s all I can afford on my own without taking out student loans and permanently putting my self into serious debt for the rest of my life) it will be a little over 10 years to finish my 2 year degree.
So yeah, that totally sounds reasonable.
Meanwhile, im stuck working a dead end job as a Walmart overnight stock boy, and even though me and the family are moving back home to Fort Hood, Texas, I don’t see many options to move forward in life, and every day I get a little bit older and that much more of my youth escapes me.
Maybe when I get there I can start hooking up with girls, find me some friendly female company; its not like I have anything holding me back from that now. Might as well live while I can.
I wont lie, deep down I still love her. But if she were to come back to me now after already choosing someone els...I cant say for certain what I would do. She cheated on me for at least 5 months, and lied to me every time we talked during that time. I...I don't hate her...At least, I don't think I do.
I'm just sad.
Really, really, really sad.
I know I will not feel like this forever, time heals all wounds.
Its just that everyday is a struggle now, and sometimes I fight just to survive the hour. I try really hard not to think about her and the new guy. I have seen what he looks like, Facebook being good for something after all. It gets to me though, the things they have probably done, the things they will do, the THINGS, man. He doesn't know about me so I cant blame him, I just hate knowing who my replacement is and cant fault him for that. I understand perfectly well that I could ruin her life by sending the screen shots of our more "interesting" conversations to all of her friends on Facebook, and I told her as much.
But in the end, that wouldn't make me happy, doing that wouldn't fill the hole in my chest and the void in my life she has left me with.
I told her that too.
My days are an emotional roller coaster now. I go from feeling okay to really sad to depressed as fuck and its such a drag.
So at this point, I don't really know what to do with my life.
3/31/16 8:30pm
Listening to Irresistible by Fall out Boy
I had a dream about her and it caused me to wake up over an hour before my alarm was set to wake me up for work. It wasn’t a bad dream…it was rather pleasant actually, though completely absurd in the way most dreams are. It was only after I woke up, when all of the memories came back to me, that it started to hurt.
Today dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday, even after I explained to him I was tired of getting into the conversations where I list off things I want but don't need and then get told how selfish and ungrateful I am for not appreciating all of the things I have. Its true, but I get tired of getting baited into the same trap. He kept asking, and eventually I said I don't know, and that I would buy my own birthday gifts, which mostly is just a Lumia 1520 and everything I need to make it work.
I have everything I ever wanted when I was a few years younger: some money, unlimited access to the internet, a computer of my own. But now that I have all of these things, I find that I am even less happy and less satisfied with my life.
3/17/2016 9:08am
Listening to: Guardian Angel by Abandon All Ships
Dad took me out to eat last night at the Pour House behind the plaza, it wasn’t near as awkward as I thought it would be and the food was great. He keeps telling me not to feel like a failure and that everyone has to start somewhere; he gave the usual story about how even he didn’t start out as a First Sergeant and that his first job was as a janitor.
We had a good time, though it would have been better if there wasn’t so much freaking pollen in the air.
I am a little apprehensive about getting older.
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3/29/16 10:47am
Listening to: I'm an Albatraoz by AronChupa
…Okay, we are going to talk about this…
Damn…fuck…FUCK.
FUCK!
On more than a few occasions in earlier posts I have referred to a girl named Sarah.
Sarah Walker to be exact.
She probably wouldn’t like that I put her last name on here, but compared to what I am not going to put on here, I think she will get over it. Not that she reads any of this anyway, so she wouldn’t really know I guess. This is all just wailing in the night as far as any of you (collectively referring to all of the people who will never read this, which is pretty much everyone) are concerned.
Shit…it still hurts to think about it, her…any of it.
I would really like to not talk about this.
But I think if I don’t put it out there, out here, on here, in this sea of useless information that is the web and all of its contents, that if I don’t send this out there in the make shift "message in a bottle" that is this blog post…that it will eat me alive. It gives me little panic attacks every time I think about her, my heart starts to pound in my chest and I have to take several deep breaths to regain my composure.
-So here we go.
Sarah and I have been in a long distance relationship since December 8th, 2011, and it ended on March 18th, 2016 at around 2:30am. On the night of my 20th birthday, I got a message through Facebook asking if I knew her, and since I didn’t know she had a Facebook account I naturally followed the link to her profile.
Everything was as I expected it to be…until I noticed her relationship status was with someone els.
When I asked her about it, she blocked my phone number and told me that this was goodbye.
That blew my mind, and destroyed my world.
Eventually, she told me everything through google hangouts ( a site she led me to months ago so we could talk more often). Basically, around October of 2015 we went through a little over a month of her not speaking to me, and at the time I was ready to give her up thinking she had found someone els (which I now know to be true) and that I had accepted that.
I still don’t know why she couldn’t have told me then. That was her one chance to let all of this go down peacefully.
Instead she told me that everything was fine, and that she hadn't been seeing anyone els, that she still loved me and wanted to remain together. I didn’t know it then, but she was lying.
…There goes the sped up heart beat again.
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So that right there, was the signal to an end to 4.27 years of my life that was wasted on her.
I don’t think I have really dealt with most of the heartache yet, ever since the initial impact and shock, I have mostly been able to avoid it by distracting my self either through work, school, video games, or sleep, and if I have too much time on my hands and I cant sleep or find my self thinking about her, I pop 5 25mg tablets of Benadryl and that sends knocks me out within the hour. Ever since this happened though, I cant sleep for near as long as I use to, I went from almost 12 hours easy to barely 7 or 8.
I still don’t know what I am really going to do with my life now. Before this happened, she and I had planned everything together and engineered our whole lives around each other.
We had plans, man. I was going to move up there to Indiana with her, we were going to get an apartment together, finally be together, and get married like we had always talked about. Shit was serious, and the only enemy was time; but for over 4 years it was us against the world as we both fought for so long to make this work, and we were less than half a year from everything coming together after so long.
And then this happened.
Now I don’t really have any plans, or at least, none that I am taking or thinking about seriously. Sure, there is the college and the classes I am taking right now for my associates degree, but at the rate that I am taking them (which is only 1 per semester, because that’s all I can afford on my own without taking out student loans and permanently putting my self into serious debt for the rest of my life) it will be a little over 10 years to finish my 2 year degree.
So yeah, that totally sounds reasonable.
Meanwhile, im stuck working a dead end job as a Walmart overnight stock boy, and even though me and the family are moving back home to Fort Hood, Texas, I don’t see many options to move forward in life, and every day I get a little bit older and that much more of my youth escapes me.
Maybe when I get there I can start hooking up with girls, find me some friendly female company; its not like I have anything holding me back from that now. Might as well live while I can.
I wont lie, deep down I still love her. But if she were to come back to me now after already choosing someone els...I cant say for certain what I would do. She cheated on me for at least 5 months, and lied to me every time we talked during that time. I...I don't hate her...At least, I don't think I do.
I'm just sad.
Really, really, really sad.
I know I will not feel like this forever, time heals all wounds.
Its just that everyday is a struggle now, and sometimes I fight just to survive the hour. I try really hard not to think about her and the new guy. I have seen what he looks like, Facebook being good for something after all. It gets to me though, the things they have probably done, the things they will do, the THINGS, man. He doesn't know about me so I cant blame him, I just hate knowing who my replacement is and cant fault him for that. I understand perfectly well that I could ruin her life by sending the screen shots of our more "interesting" conversations to all of her friends on Facebook, and I told her as much.
But in the end, that wouldn't make me happy, doing that wouldn't fill the hole in my chest and the void in my life she has left me with.
I told her that too.
My days are an emotional roller coaster now. I go from feeling okay to really sad to depressed as fuck and its such a drag.
So at this point, I don't really know what to do with my life.
3/31/16 8:30pm
Listening to Irresistible by Fall out Boy
I had a dream about her and it caused me to wake up over an hour before my alarm was set to wake me up for work. It wasn’t a bad dream…it was rather pleasant actually, though completely absurd in the way most dreams are. It was only after I woke up, when all of the memories came back to me, that it started to hurt.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
JE#17 BAD DREAM
3/3/2016 2:38am
Listening to: Find You by Zedd
Yesterday I found out my credit score sucks because I have been using most of my available credit to pay for college, despite always paying 6 times my Minimum payment every month on time.
So there's that.
I hate that in order to get money I don't have, I have to use money I don't have, so that I can qualify for more money I don't have.
Yesterday I got bored and decided to go hang out with that same guy from work, Brandon, and again he put my life in unnecessary danger. For starters, he wanted to go almost 50mph in what I am pretty sure is a 20mph neighborhood road, then decided to pull the emergency break and drift into his drive way where the vehicle came to a screeching halt less than 15 feet from his front door on the lawn. When his grandmother expressed what I believed to be very reasonable concern and told him that his car wasn't a toy, he responded by saying that it indeed was a toy.
The level of disrespect he shows to his guardians and parents, and his immaturity regarding potentially dangerous things such as motor vehicles continues to astound me. He also, unbeknownst to him, continues to remind me just how good my parents were in raising me and the quality of life I have been given. In his house everything is strewn everywhere, clothes, excess food, empty drink cans and bottles, and junk in general to the point that you had to watch where you stepped less you step on any of the clutter.
In my house everything is clean and orderly with everything in its proper place, and if I were to treat any of my things or parents with the level of disrespect that Brandon does I would have been struck down and kicked out a long time ago.
3/5/16 9:40pm
Since my new online English class started its been taking up a lot of my free time, and my computer concepts class starts back Monday so I know that's going to suck. I think the worst about it is going to be this stupid research essay I have to do over the course of 6 weeks.
Parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and when I said "nothing" they asked why and I responded with "I just don't." In truth, I have no shortage of wants, but I don't feel like I have the right to ask for anything. If I did, I'm sure my father would say I was selfish and ungrateful for not being happy with having a free house to live in and a car to drive. Its true, but I still don't want to have to deal with him and that particular conversation.
3/10/16 9:31am
Listening to:Howlin Wolf best songs of Howlin Wolf
Not much goes on, though this BS English class is starting to get to me. Sarah is going to get a car before I do here In a few days, im kind of envious.
My birthday is in 7 days, I wonder if she will remember it. I wont ask her for anything, I wont even say anything about it...but I would like to hear her voice. Its been so long since I have heard her lovely voice.
6:08pm
I can't sleep, I don't know why, so don't ask me. I woke up around 4:30pm
Around 2 days ago I had a dream:
I'm at the base of a large rocky mountain with a forest not to far off in the distance, I would say a little less than a mile off, and the sky is over cast. There are probably a few hundred people with me and we are all slowly walking out from this rather large industrial looking building or facility built at the base of the mountain and we can all feel this low shock wave that will come through the ground every few seconds, and it makes the very earth tremble slightly. I don't know what's happening, I'm dazed and confused but I notice that the crowd around me is starting to panic. The shockwaves are coming a little faster now, every 20 or 30 seconds at this point. A loud, incredibly deep sounding roar reverberates through the air, I can feel the sound waves assaulting my very bones with their vibrations.
Its coming from behind the mountain.
Naturally everyone looks up at the mountain behind them in shocked silence, and then we see it.
Its fucking HUGE.
Slowly, this monster, this eldritch entity from some lovecraftian novel, its crawling over the mountain toward us, making the very earth shake under its weight as it does so. Imagine every kaiju movie you ever saw, but replace the awe with pure fear, and then you start thinking what I was thinking which was, "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" It roars again and then moves a little faster towards the crowd, and everyone just starts panicking, screaming and running. To the forest, I don’t know why but everyone is running towards the forest, madly thinking that maybe they will lose the creature in there, that they will be safe from this thing.
But I know its not true, especially with the whole crowd going in that direction making a highly visible and easy target. I split off from the main group and running to the far left instead toward the rock outcroppings a few hundred feet away, and I remember being so out of my mind with fear, thinking that if I can just find a good hiding place in a short enough period of time it will move past me and keep going after the others. Its just over head now, looking down at the ground for any stragglers. I fling my self under this over hanging rock face, and start covering my self with dirt and rocks hoping it wont sense me half buried here in the earth.
Its getting closer.
Its right next to me.
I cant make a sound, I can barely breath for fear that it will hear me.
And then I wake up.
F
Listening to: Find You by Zedd
Yesterday I found out my credit score sucks because I have been using most of my available credit to pay for college, despite always paying 6 times my Minimum payment every month on time.
So there's that.
I hate that in order to get money I don't have, I have to use money I don't have, so that I can qualify for more money I don't have.
Yesterday I got bored and decided to go hang out with that same guy from work, Brandon, and again he put my life in unnecessary danger. For starters, he wanted to go almost 50mph in what I am pretty sure is a 20mph neighborhood road, then decided to pull the emergency break and drift into his drive way where the vehicle came to a screeching halt less than 15 feet from his front door on the lawn. When his grandmother expressed what I believed to be very reasonable concern and told him that his car wasn't a toy, he responded by saying that it indeed was a toy.
The level of disrespect he shows to his guardians and parents, and his immaturity regarding potentially dangerous things such as motor vehicles continues to astound me. He also, unbeknownst to him, continues to remind me just how good my parents were in raising me and the quality of life I have been given. In his house everything is strewn everywhere, clothes, excess food, empty drink cans and bottles, and junk in general to the point that you had to watch where you stepped less you step on any of the clutter.
In my house everything is clean and orderly with everything in its proper place, and if I were to treat any of my things or parents with the level of disrespect that Brandon does I would have been struck down and kicked out a long time ago.
3/5/16 9:40pm
Since my new online English class started its been taking up a lot of my free time, and my computer concepts class starts back Monday so I know that's going to suck. I think the worst about it is going to be this stupid research essay I have to do over the course of 6 weeks.
Parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and when I said "nothing" they asked why and I responded with "I just don't." In truth, I have no shortage of wants, but I don't feel like I have the right to ask for anything. If I did, I'm sure my father would say I was selfish and ungrateful for not being happy with having a free house to live in and a car to drive. Its true, but I still don't want to have to deal with him and that particular conversation.
3/10/16 9:31am
Listening to:Howlin Wolf best songs of Howlin Wolf
Not much goes on, though this BS English class is starting to get to me. Sarah is going to get a car before I do here In a few days, im kind of envious.
My birthday is in 7 days, I wonder if she will remember it. I wont ask her for anything, I wont even say anything about it...but I would like to hear her voice. Its been so long since I have heard her lovely voice.
6:08pm
I can't sleep, I don't know why, so don't ask me. I woke up around 4:30pm
Around 2 days ago I had a dream:
I'm at the base of a large rocky mountain with a forest not to far off in the distance, I would say a little less than a mile off, and the sky is over cast. There are probably a few hundred people with me and we are all slowly walking out from this rather large industrial looking building or facility built at the base of the mountain and we can all feel this low shock wave that will come through the ground every few seconds, and it makes the very earth tremble slightly. I don't know what's happening, I'm dazed and confused but I notice that the crowd around me is starting to panic. The shockwaves are coming a little faster now, every 20 or 30 seconds at this point. A loud, incredibly deep sounding roar reverberates through the air, I can feel the sound waves assaulting my very bones with their vibrations.
Its coming from behind the mountain.
Naturally everyone looks up at the mountain behind them in shocked silence, and then we see it.
Its fucking HUGE.
Slowly, this monster, this eldritch entity from some lovecraftian novel, its crawling over the mountain toward us, making the very earth shake under its weight as it does so. Imagine every kaiju movie you ever saw, but replace the awe with pure fear, and then you start thinking what I was thinking which was, "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" It roars again and then moves a little faster towards the crowd, and everyone just starts panicking, screaming and running. To the forest, I don’t know why but everyone is running towards the forest, madly thinking that maybe they will lose the creature in there, that they will be safe from this thing.
But I know its not true, especially with the whole crowd going in that direction making a highly visible and easy target. I split off from the main group and running to the far left instead toward the rock outcroppings a few hundred feet away, and I remember being so out of my mind with fear, thinking that if I can just find a good hiding place in a short enough period of time it will move past me and keep going after the others. Its just over head now, looking down at the ground for any stragglers. I fling my self under this over hanging rock face, and start covering my self with dirt and rocks hoping it wont sense me half buried here in the earth.
Its getting closer.
Its right next to me.
I cant make a sound, I can barely breath for fear that it will hear me.
And then I wake up.
F
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
JE#16
2/15/16 9:50pm
In the associate break room about 15 minuets before the meeting we usually have, the old ladies that have been here for years are talking about the managers that are generally assholes, I join in every now and then, as they talk about how everything sucks now, how the managers are pricks and we have too much to do. Same old same old.
I wonder if its always been this way, if it always will be.
2/17/16 9:44pm
Listening to: Take Me Home Tonight by Eddie Money
I sent Sarah a her valentines day gifts and the tracking number says I got there yesterday morning. She hasn't talked to me since then, so I worry that her parents might have intercepted it and she is in trouble for it. I can't blame her parents though, they must hate me.
My manager authorized me for 8 hours of overtime, the only downside to that is I only had one day off this week.
2/20/16 10:42am
She got the package, and I am so glad she loved it; for a few days there I thought her parents had somehow found it and decided to punish her in some way.
Anyway.
IT is harder to get into than I thought from what research I have done, but so far its just stuff that makes sense anyway, and if I do need to re-evaluate my career choice than, well, at the rate I am taking classes I will have plenty of time to think about it.
Been thinking more about when I should move out, when and where I would go. Sharing an apartment/ trailer with someone seems like the best way to live somewhere without crippling my wallet.
2/21/16 8:30am
I got really frustrated at work today, management was garbage, their expectations totally unrealistic, and the freight didn't even seem to be that bad for most areas. As for management, I can't blame everything on them because most of its corporate, and as we all know shit rolls down hill from those greedy mofo's on high in their nice little office buildings. At the end though a few of us associates (like 4 people) helped each other out that last hour because if we hadn't a few of us would have had to stay over for at least an hour to bin all the stuff in. That's one of the few examples of teamwork I have ever seen while working in WalMart.
On an off note though, today I was introduced to strange world of Hot wheel's bulk buying and illegal resale.
Today I was in the toy department stocking when this guy comes up to me and asks if we have any new hot wheels toy cars the little ones that you get for a dollar, and mind you that this is at like 1am. He starts explaining to me that he is competing with this guy who comes in when the new shipments reach the shelves and buys all of the "good ones" before anyone els gets to them. He said this guy, along with other people around the country who do this same thing, would then resell them to people who collect them for like $20-$40 depending on how "rare" or "good" they are. He said that loads of people actually buy them for this price because there are a lot of them you can only get from WalMart stores, and it blows my mind that people would pay that much money for a little $1 toy car.
First world problems, I guess.
2/24/16 1:13am
Just woke up from a lust filled dream, haven't had one of those in a long time. Wonder what brought it on.
2/25/16 5:24am
Listening to: I Got No Time by The Living Tombstone
More and more mistakes, you would think I would be smart enough to not make the same fucking bad choice a second time.
9:41pm
Contemplating the meaning of my life, what I'm supposed to do, etc. Sarah gave me her phone number but somehow she manages to be just as distant and vague. She doesn't seem to be interest in talking to me, I guess, or maybe just doesn't feel like explaining to me what's going on. This weighted feeling I have, like I'm just slogging through the thick mud that is life becoming ever more tired as I do so; maybe she feels it worse than I do?
It amazes me that although I may have been paid $625 this pay check, but I only get to keep a little over $100, put $200 in savings, pay $100 towards my credit card debt, and use the rest to pay bills. Man, that sucks, and it will only get worse when I move out and have to start paying for my stuff on my own.
2/26/15 9:40pm
I think its perfectly reasonably to wake up once in a while and doubt everything you have done, especially everything you plan to do, and question if its all really worth it.
The following is something I sent to Sarah:
--"Hey, so here is one of the things that has happened recently. So far, I am currently taking two college classes for this 2016 spring semester, and only plan to take one during the 2016 fall semester. As of now I cant afford to take any more than that because
A) I am close to exhausting my $2000 credit limit, which is what I have used so far to pay for my college, even though I pay $100 towards it every time I get paid despite my minimum payment only being something like $38 and
B) because with a mostly full time job at NIGHT I don’t really have enough time for maybe 3 classes a semester and 2 during the summer even if I had the money and
C) because I haven't had my credit card for 6 months, therefor no reliable credit history so I don’t yet qualify for student loans of any kind.
My Step mom got with me today and said I should think about going to my bank, explaining the situation to them and seeing if I could take out a loan, which is an Idea I abhor for multiple reasons. Anyway, the original admittedly not very well thought out plan was
1. save up and get a car that isn't totally garbage with a equally not totally garbage insurance plan.
2.Save up a few thousand dollars.
3.Move out of my parents house with everything I could reasonably take in my car, and possibly face their equivalent of exile once they figure out where I am going
4.Drive all the way up to your freezing state of Indiana, to with in the nearest affordable housing of your house,
5.Find a decent job there
6.And figure out a sort of live in situation with you while simultaneously working, going to college part time, and living with the love of my life as we both work to pay the bills.
As stated above, I admit it isn't exactly fool proof. But what ever I do, I have a few months to make up my mind before I either pack my bags or get ready to be in some serious debt that would officially chain me to my job.
But what am I telling you all of this for? Its because I want to know what you think about all of this, what it is you think I should possibly do/not do. You have just as much say in this as me, more so in fact because of the potential and real stress it would put you through."--
I have yet to hear back from her.
It kind of makes me feel uncomfortable hearing everyone at work talk about what's wrong with them and their family, how their old bodies are frail and infirm with age. It makes me afraid to age, knowing my health wont last, with all the talk of arthritis, osteoporosis, and and other assorted maladies.
2/27/16 11:41am
In keeping with the same pattern I have noticed through out my life, today something promising came along that was gona end my day on a high note, and not 10 minuets later I go to tell my parents about something completely different and my dad starts being an asshole over my uncombed hair. When I ask if I can get back to the actual reason for why I came in there (regarding taking their car to my proctor exam) and he tells me to stop and get out of his room.
Fuck it all, then.
2/28/16 9:48am
Been taking some little free online classes in how to code in Java. Its kind of interesting, not hard exactly, just a lot of things to remember to do exactly right or els the whole thing wont work.
2/29/16 9:40pm
This morning, Andrew was called into the office at 6am, and was fired. Wasn't here 2 months. Back in school I always thought he was better than me for being able to go into the Navy, and when he showed up here looking for a job I worried that he would be better at it than I ever was.
But he wasn't, he was much worse. And I outlasted him.
I have been here for 266 days, or 8 months and 21 days; and every single one of them is lost to me.
In the associate break room about 15 minuets before the meeting we usually have, the old ladies that have been here for years are talking about the managers that are generally assholes, I join in every now and then, as they talk about how everything sucks now, how the managers are pricks and we have too much to do. Same old same old.
I wonder if its always been this way, if it always will be.
2/17/16 9:44pm
Listening to: Take Me Home Tonight by Eddie Money
I sent Sarah a her valentines day gifts and the tracking number says I got there yesterday morning. She hasn't talked to me since then, so I worry that her parents might have intercepted it and she is in trouble for it. I can't blame her parents though, they must hate me.
My manager authorized me for 8 hours of overtime, the only downside to that is I only had one day off this week.
2/20/16 10:42am
She got the package, and I am so glad she loved it; for a few days there I thought her parents had somehow found it and decided to punish her in some way.
Anyway.
IT is harder to get into than I thought from what research I have done, but so far its just stuff that makes sense anyway, and if I do need to re-evaluate my career choice than, well, at the rate I am taking classes I will have plenty of time to think about it.
Been thinking more about when I should move out, when and where I would go. Sharing an apartment/ trailer with someone seems like the best way to live somewhere without crippling my wallet.
2/21/16 8:30am
I got really frustrated at work today, management was garbage, their expectations totally unrealistic, and the freight didn't even seem to be that bad for most areas. As for management, I can't blame everything on them because most of its corporate, and as we all know shit rolls down hill from those greedy mofo's on high in their nice little office buildings. At the end though a few of us associates (like 4 people) helped each other out that last hour because if we hadn't a few of us would have had to stay over for at least an hour to bin all the stuff in. That's one of the few examples of teamwork I have ever seen while working in WalMart.
On an off note though, today I was introduced to strange world of Hot wheel's bulk buying and illegal resale.
Today I was in the toy department stocking when this guy comes up to me and asks if we have any new hot wheels toy cars the little ones that you get for a dollar, and mind you that this is at like 1am. He starts explaining to me that he is competing with this guy who comes in when the new shipments reach the shelves and buys all of the "good ones" before anyone els gets to them. He said this guy, along with other people around the country who do this same thing, would then resell them to people who collect them for like $20-$40 depending on how "rare" or "good" they are. He said that loads of people actually buy them for this price because there are a lot of them you can only get from WalMart stores, and it blows my mind that people would pay that much money for a little $1 toy car.
First world problems, I guess.
2/24/16 1:13am
Just woke up from a lust filled dream, haven't had one of those in a long time. Wonder what brought it on.
2/25/16 5:24am
Listening to: I Got No Time by The Living Tombstone
More and more mistakes, you would think I would be smart enough to not make the same fucking bad choice a second time.
9:41pm
Contemplating the meaning of my life, what I'm supposed to do, etc. Sarah gave me her phone number but somehow she manages to be just as distant and vague. She doesn't seem to be interest in talking to me, I guess, or maybe just doesn't feel like explaining to me what's going on. This weighted feeling I have, like I'm just slogging through the thick mud that is life becoming ever more tired as I do so; maybe she feels it worse than I do?
It amazes me that although I may have been paid $625 this pay check, but I only get to keep a little over $100, put $200 in savings, pay $100 towards my credit card debt, and use the rest to pay bills. Man, that sucks, and it will only get worse when I move out and have to start paying for my stuff on my own.
2/26/15 9:40pm
I think its perfectly reasonably to wake up once in a while and doubt everything you have done, especially everything you plan to do, and question if its all really worth it.
The following is something I sent to Sarah:
--"Hey, so here is one of the things that has happened recently. So far, I am currently taking two college classes for this 2016 spring semester, and only plan to take one during the 2016 fall semester. As of now I cant afford to take any more than that because
A) I am close to exhausting my $2000 credit limit, which is what I have used so far to pay for my college, even though I pay $100 towards it every time I get paid despite my minimum payment only being something like $38 and
B) because with a mostly full time job at NIGHT I don’t really have enough time for maybe 3 classes a semester and 2 during the summer even if I had the money and
C) because I haven't had my credit card for 6 months, therefor no reliable credit history so I don’t yet qualify for student loans of any kind.
My Step mom got with me today and said I should think about going to my bank, explaining the situation to them and seeing if I could take out a loan, which is an Idea I abhor for multiple reasons. Anyway, the original admittedly not very well thought out plan was
1. save up and get a car that isn't totally garbage with a equally not totally garbage insurance plan.
2.Save up a few thousand dollars.
3.Move out of my parents house with everything I could reasonably take in my car, and possibly face their equivalent of exile once they figure out where I am going
4.Drive all the way up to your freezing state of Indiana, to with in the nearest affordable housing of your house,
5.Find a decent job there
6.And figure out a sort of live in situation with you while simultaneously working, going to college part time, and living with the love of my life as we both work to pay the bills.
As stated above, I admit it isn't exactly fool proof. But what ever I do, I have a few months to make up my mind before I either pack my bags or get ready to be in some serious debt that would officially chain me to my job.
But what am I telling you all of this for? Its because I want to know what you think about all of this, what it is you think I should possibly do/not do. You have just as much say in this as me, more so in fact because of the potential and real stress it would put you through."--
I have yet to hear back from her.
It kind of makes me feel uncomfortable hearing everyone at work talk about what's wrong with them and their family, how their old bodies are frail and infirm with age. It makes me afraid to age, knowing my health wont last, with all the talk of arthritis, osteoporosis, and and other assorted maladies.
2/27/16 11:41am
In keeping with the same pattern I have noticed through out my life, today something promising came along that was gona end my day on a high note, and not 10 minuets later I go to tell my parents about something completely different and my dad starts being an asshole over my uncombed hair. When I ask if I can get back to the actual reason for why I came in there (regarding taking their car to my proctor exam) and he tells me to stop and get out of his room.
Fuck it all, then.
2/28/16 9:48am
Been taking some little free online classes in how to code in Java. Its kind of interesting, not hard exactly, just a lot of things to remember to do exactly right or els the whole thing wont work.
2/29/16 9:40pm
This morning, Andrew was called into the office at 6am, and was fired. Wasn't here 2 months. Back in school I always thought he was better than me for being able to go into the Navy, and when he showed up here looking for a job I worried that he would be better at it than I ever was.
But he wasn't, he was much worse. And I outlasted him.
I have been here for 266 days, or 8 months and 21 days; and every single one of them is lost to me.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
JE#15
2/4/2016 9:40pm
The day before yesterday I woke up around 5pm to the sound of the on base emergency alert system, there were several tornadoes on the ground for a little over 10 minuets. Our house is okay, but just down the street everything is wrecked. The power was out for over 2 hours so we had salmon on the grill and fate in the dark with the aide of green glow sticks that my dad keeps on hand.
2:44am
A guy followed by his wife and baby came up to me about an hour and a half ago asking me if we were hiring, he had a huge scar running from the bottom o his neck down into his chest and he said that he had had heart surgery 6 months ago and hadn't had a job since then. He asked about how to get hired and I told him everything I knew, he thanked me, shook my hand, and left.
About 20 minuets ago I saw him in hand cuffs being held with the police along with his wife while what I guess was one of their friends came and got the baby. Apparently his wife had been caught trying to steal stuff by stuffing it in her boots.
I felt bad for them before I saw that, I still feel bad for them after having seen it.
2/8/16 10:04am
Listening to: If I'm James Dean then your Audrey Hepburn by Sleeping with Sirens
Again, not a lot going on. Looking more into the whole creating a YouTube channel thing, debating on if and when I should get the Lumia 1520. I get the occasional comment from Sarah, which is always a good thing in my eyes; she isn't sick anymore, but she still doesn’t talk much…I would be lying if I said I didn’t think that the fire that once burned passionately between us is mainly burning from just me at this point.
Work was okay up until the last 2 and a half hours when I had little left to do and started thinking; despite knowing how bad that is. Anyway, I got depressed for the last few hours which made time slow to an agonizing crawl.
2/11/16 10:38am
Listening to: Here's to all the zeros by Marianas Trench
I am so glad Sarah is okay. Honestly, hearing from her makes me feel unbelievably happy. I know the header on this blog says its for a rather depressed young man, but today...for today that doesn't apply to me.
The day before yesterday I woke up around 5pm to the sound of the on base emergency alert system, there were several tornadoes on the ground for a little over 10 minuets. Our house is okay, but just down the street everything is wrecked. The power was out for over 2 hours so we had salmon on the grill and fate in the dark with the aide of green glow sticks that my dad keeps on hand.
2:44am
A guy followed by his wife and baby came up to me about an hour and a half ago asking me if we were hiring, he had a huge scar running from the bottom o his neck down into his chest and he said that he had had heart surgery 6 months ago and hadn't had a job since then. He asked about how to get hired and I told him everything I knew, he thanked me, shook my hand, and left.
About 20 minuets ago I saw him in hand cuffs being held with the police along with his wife while what I guess was one of their friends came and got the baby. Apparently his wife had been caught trying to steal stuff by stuffing it in her boots.
I felt bad for them before I saw that, I still feel bad for them after having seen it.
2/8/16 10:04am
Listening to: If I'm James Dean then your Audrey Hepburn by Sleeping with Sirens
Again, not a lot going on. Looking more into the whole creating a YouTube channel thing, debating on if and when I should get the Lumia 1520. I get the occasional comment from Sarah, which is always a good thing in my eyes; she isn't sick anymore, but she still doesn’t talk much…I would be lying if I said I didn’t think that the fire that once burned passionately between us is mainly burning from just me at this point.
Work was okay up until the last 2 and a half hours when I had little left to do and started thinking; despite knowing how bad that is. Anyway, I got depressed for the last few hours which made time slow to an agonizing crawl.
2/11/16 10:38am
Listening to: Here's to all the zeros by Marianas Trench
I am so glad Sarah is okay. Honestly, hearing from her makes me feel unbelievably happy. I know the header on this blog says its for a rather depressed young man, but today...for today that doesn't apply to me.
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